just want to know i'm not alone...

[mooms]

I posted this in the miscarriage area but then the lovely peanut advised me to come over here so here goes...

This was meant to be our first baby. I went for my first ever 12 wk scan on Monday at which I was told that the baby was showing that its' brain wasn't developing properly. I then had to wait 24hrs for another scan for the consultant to confirm this... had this yesterday at which i was told that basically the baby had massive spinal and brain deformities, a link just hadn't linked and now I have to go for a surgical termination on Friday. Am totally and utterly shocked, devastated and a hundred other emotions too...

one minute i am rational.. better now than have to give birth to a baby which wouldn't survive, the next i am feeling guilty,angry, upset.. i am also worried about trying to conceive next time.. they've told me i'll
need to take tablets for a high dose of
folic acid netx time as there's only a slight-but it's still there-chance of it happening again and to prevent this.

To make matters worse my sister in law is pregnant and so are 5 women at work-one of whom is due the week before i should have been. How do i try not to feel awful, jealous and to allow them to be excited about their pregnancies

also, i feel so bad- and no disrespect intended for anyone who has suffered a miscarriage- because i think i would have felt better if i had miscarried - seeing the baby moving and its' strong little heartbeat and then being told i have to lose it is just too cruel.. can't compute that i saw it and now i won't have it..

the positives are that my husband has been amazing.. as have family and the hospital staff...

Just feel crap and alone as people/friends I know have had a miscarriage but not this situation..

apologies for long post but just wondered if anyone out there has been through this or got any adivce/support...

[NumptyMum]

Dear Mooms - you poor love, you must have felt the floor drop away from under you. Last year I went for my booking scan and was told after two attempts at scanning that my baby's brain had failed to divide plus other problems that pointed to either Patau or Edwards syndrome. On the one hand knowing how severe the problems were I didn't want my baby to live only to suffer and die - and on the other I didn't want to end that life then and there, I still wanted to have her and hold her. So I can understand the turmoil of emotions that you and your DH must be going through, it is such a sad thing to face. From my own story, we took a couple of weeks to make the final decision - and by the time we did, DD had died.

How we cope in this situation varies; for me, I wanted to spend time with my baby (who we named Iola), I wanted to have a good memory of her being with us even though she would be leaving sooner or later. Also, as I was later in going to hospital, we spoke to the chaplain who was really supportive and helpful - for me, it helped to acknowledge DD's life and brief stay with us. I also got lots of support and also information from the support thread which really helped me to keep going.

I already had a toddler, and he kept us focused on getting through daily life. I think it is harder when you don't have that distraction - I know others on the support thread for whom it was their first child, and for whom the next pregnancy is more nerve-wracking. But there are some who ARE on the next pregnancy, for whom all is now going OK. Shangrila is one of those who has now had a baby, having taken the mega dose of folic acid.

But for now, you need to be gentle to yourself. At this time I don't think you CAN tolerate other people's pregnancies, it is too raw - but over time it will become easier. Be gentle on yourself, don't expect too much of yourself. Sometimes we just wanted to escape the awfulness by watching 'comfort films' or reading escapist books, just to not have to think about it for a couple of hours.

Know that you are sadly NOT alone, others have been here too and will offer love and support. xx

[Scrumdiddlyumptious]

Oh Mooms. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. It is a hard and heartbreaking time and, having only just happened, you will still be in shock and just reeling from the news. Everything you have written about feeling is - and I hesitate to use the word as there is nothing normal about going through this - is normal. I had a medical termination at 13 weeks - five weeks ago exactly today - as the baby had chromosome abnormalities and I remember all too vividly the waves of fear, panic and sense of unjustice.

And you are not alone. Here is the link to the thread that you wil find most helpful and appropriate to you www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/978305-Antenatal-support-thread-for-women-who-ha ve-chosen-to-terminate

It is a group of women who have chosen to end a pregnancy (all of whom have done so for varying chromosome/abnormalities) at various stages. It is a new thread as the older one got full - you will see the older one further down the page - no V - if you feel like you want to read about our experiences and feelings at the time of, or just after ending the pregnancy. Please do come over, I personally have found it and do find it hugely helpful, supportive, loving and kind. As your post says, although it is always sad to welcome new people to the thread as it means they are in pain and anguish it is good to know that you are not alone and that you don't have to qualify what you say or worry about others, you can just talk and vent and cry and hope with others who have been through the same thing.

It is such early days at the moment, just concentrate on getting through Friday, and then look to the future. You will find a way to get through this. I am only five weeks into the journey and it is still an hugely painful and difficult time but five weeks later I am back in the real world living my life, something that five weeks ago I couldn't imagine. I thought that I was going mad from the grief at the time but whilst it is still very hard, it is better than five weeks and every day has more or less been a step forward so please know that you will get through this.

Will be thinking of you.

[Scrumdiddlyumptious]

ooh cross posted with the very wise numpty who has a whizzier way to link to the thread...

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Mooms, I must dash now, but I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and you are definitely not alone. Not in here. It might not be real life, but for me this space has been more real than the real, if I can say so. Being surrounded by other women who really understand and who will not judge you, no matter what, has made a huge difference to how I have been able to cope these past few months.

I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks due to brain abnormalities. It was back in February. She was my first as well. I am still heartbroken. But I have good days as well now. You will be fragile for a long time, but if you want we are here to support you along the way.

I will write more to you tonight, but until then I wanted to send you much love and strength for today. Some friends had something similar happen to them and also had a surgical termination. They said that the thought which helped them is that their baby was not meant for this world. It is a gentle thought, I found, although heartbreaking. xxxx

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Mooms, I just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you and your dh tomorrow. Try not to think too far ahead at the moment and just deal with each hour as it comes.

It is only natural to feel so upset when seeing pregnant women -it is ok avoid them for the time being. You are so raw, you just need to take care of yourself, shelter yourself from anything which hurts you.

Just take comfort in your dh, hang on to each other and try to get through these days as best you can. If it helps, come in here and let it all out. If not, maybe just lurking and reading others' stories will help. But as Numpty says, you are not alone, there are unfortunately so many of us in here.

I know these early days are hellish, but try to hold onto the thought that the road you are taking now is the most humane one for your baby. This doesn't take away the unfairness of it all, but unfortunately this has happened, unfair as it is, and you had to make the best decision in awful circumstances. Sending you much strength for tomorrow and when/if you can let us know how you are.xxxx

[mooms]

Hi lovely ladies,

just wanted to thank you all so much for your messages, they've been a source of great comfort and looking at other posts as suggested has really helped too. Yesterday went as well as could be expected really.

No problems with the actual op itself, apart from having to wait a long time which just didn't help. I have been told that i can start to try again whenever i feel emotionally ready, which has helped.

Feelings all over the place at the moment, one minute i can actually sit there and feel almost normal and laugh at something silly, the next I am very sad and weepy...is this something others have experienced? Not actually sure if it's totally sunk in yet, there's been just so much to process in such a short space of time.

I am ploughing my way through holiday brochures, booking some summer sun will give me a focus I think, a chance for us both to relax and process, and something to look forward to and plan, as daft as it seems i sort of feel like all plans have been taken away from me and i need something to aim for.

Once again, thanks so much for your messages, i don't feel so alone knowing there's others out there who understand the feelings i'm having

x

[NumptyMum]

Dear Mooms - feeling all sorts of emotions is normal. When I lost my baby last year, it tended to be the evenings that were worst because it was then that I was able to 'let go'; but I think there is only so much that your soul can take, so switching between emotions is not surprising. On the support thread, Coffee mentioned the Kahlil Gibran poem On Joy and Sorrow, which considers how the two feelings are often linked, pivotal to each other.

I also remember someone on the support thread a long time ago saying that they felt the need to make plans - they were driven to looking into secondary school options even though their other DC was only 4yrs old! I think it is because naturally when you are pregnant you construct a future with your baby in it and suddenly that is taken away, you have lost both your child and that future. The new future seems out of your control, so I think we often want to feel we CAN control just a part of it. I went back to work fairly quickly as it helped to distract myself with the project I was working on.

There will be both ups and downs ahead, both are normal - and you WILL get through it. I found myself thinking it was like the rings in a tree; when trees go through a bad season, it is visible in their growth ring. But as the years go on, that ring becomes a deeper and deeper part of them, going into the core strength. So you will not have lost this time; the grief gets less raw, but the love of your child, the memory and the knowledge of your loss is still there. But it can give you strength too.

xx

[jaabaar]

ohhh ooohhh. The pain

I know exacly how you feel as EXACTLY the same happend to me. One moment was full of happiness finally goten pregnant with my first child at the grand age of 39. Then the scans.... The termination.... The most terrible emotions.

THe worries about being able to fall pregnanat again, the guilt, the anger, the breavement.

Very very hard. Also at the same time friends of mine were pregnant too. I was noticing every single pregnant woman in the street.....

But then it all passed... I got pregnant again at the age of 40 and gave birth 3 months ago to a beautiful healthy baby girl.

Just keep going, day by day, sometimes just hour by hour. You will have many ups and downs but they become easier.

Even now that I have my DD sometimes, out of the blue, thoughts come up! I think words cannot describe all of this.

I just want to say, there is light at the end and you will get through it. Just wanted to send a tight hug in this very difficult situation...

[LYN1982]

Mooms, We had the exact same situation in April. It was our first baby and we had tried desperately. It is the worst feeling in the world seeing your baby on a scan moving around and nowing it can't continue. Like you, there are two women at work and my best friend who are all due at the same time I was. It takes time to come to terms with the situation. Only now I am making sense of what happened and thinking of trying again. Take all the time in the world and look after yourself. Everyone on here has shared experiences and it can be very helpful to come on and have a rant. You will continue to have good days and bad and although you will never forget this experience - you will hopefully in time go on to have a 'normal' 'healthy' pregnancy. Thinking of you x