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support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

(1000 Posts)
Cantdothisagain Thu 30-Jul-09 18:45:53

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

growingout Thu 30-Jul-09 18:47:20

Message withdrawn

linspins Thu 30-Jul-09 18:49:34

Spent so long writing last message, then posted it, and found it was to be the last one on our old thread. So I have copied it over:

Have been busy off-loading dd for other people to look after this week to give myself a breather. It sort of works...but still feeling pretty squashed by life.
Would like to feel WELL, just for a bit. I was ill from Xmas to March 15th, then it all started again in week 5 of this pregnancy, - this being week 14. Urgh.
It's good advice from you all to not do any house work and take it easy for a bit, but one can only do that for a while, not the whole of a year. It's got to a point where I am I frustrated by myself and my inability to tackle life. (I should point out that due to Dh wonderful effort we are nor living in a pig sty!)
And it's more than just house work that is getting me down, I think that's just an easy example. I need to go to the hairdressers, the dentist, buy some new clothes. There are nice things I'd like to do - go swimming, pot up the strawberry runners, go out and socialise with more than a few long suffering friends. But I just can't be...bothered? Can't explain it, I just want peace. And some energy.
Phew. Sorry.

Lucky, sorry you are having a sad day. They will come and go. When the blues hit, it's such an empty feel. Hugs. Are you going to try again? soon? (sorry I can't remember if we've all discussed this at length. Apologies if so) And don't answer if you are already fed up with that question!

Thinking of you Bezzy in your wee-imposed exile.

Shangrilla, how's the hair do? lookin' hot?

I am off out tonight to a Sands meeting. I like going but it's emotionally wearing.

Dh has been doing some DIY today, and now the downstairs is covered in a fine layer of dust. Sigh.

Have a good evening all. xxx

luckywinner Thu 30-Jul-09 18:56:52

Just a quick scribble so I don't lose this lifeline.

I don't know about trying again. Tbh its all I can think of but then all I don't want to think about either. I am finding it very difficult at the mo as when I was pregnant I had a complete meltdown about how I wouldn't cope with 3 and what the hell was I thinking, and some of that is coming back in self-hating, like I asked to lose the baby. I don't know. I really want want want another baby. I am just terrified I won't cope. I really like my space and another child would def encroach (sp?) on that. Today I just feel like the shittest mother as I couldn't even look after my own baby.

Lins hope the Sands meeting is helpful.

linspins Thu 30-Jul-09 19:31:08

Lucky, you're not a shit mother. I've only got one and I have had to get help with her this week! Goodness knows how I'll cope if/when I have two!
You've had a tough time and that makes even the smallest everyday stuff hard to cope with - take this from someone going through it too.
You're doing ok, promise.
xxx

Off out, yawn....

treedelivery Thu 30-Jul-09 19:48:10

Whoa I lost you!!

Hope the evening goes ok Lins. You do sound down sad. Did you think about the GP? Maybe that seems to big an ask too at the moment?
Am a bit worried for you, but mostly pissed it has to be like this for you.

And Lucky - maybe tomorrow won't feel as bad. I hope not. The best thing to do with a grey day like today is get it over with the easiest way you know how [sleep, books, baking, drifting] and simply try again tomorrow. I remember in the early days for Bee and Lins there were days we all just limped through together, they got further apart and less and less, suddenly there were more non-cloudy days than cloudy.
But the clouds do gather again sometimes, it never goes away for good I don't think. 90 year old women on the wards talk about the baby in heaven. It is a thread. Every woman has a story.

shangrila Thu 30-Jul-09 19:51:49

Oh Lucky. I absolutely second everything that Lins has just said.

You're a great Mum who has been through a shocking experience and whose world has turned upside down. So recently. And besides all this there is everyday life to keep on getting on with. So you do. But every now and then that glass which is stuffed to overflowing has one more drop added to it and it's just too much. Spills everywhere. So rant and rage all you want but don't believe for one minute that you're not a real star.

Be gentle with yourself tonight.
xxxxx

shangrila Thu 30-Jul-09 20:04:53

Tree didn't realize you were still about. Hair is rather 'brighter' than it should be. DD even likened me to Lady GaGa! blush Bizarre thought for a dame of my impressive age and 'statuesque' figure. I think she meant it as a compliment. Either that or I will need a paper bag over my head to go to work tomorrow. Have a good evening.
Lins too, hope your SANDS session was a help.
xxxx

busierbee Thu 30-Jul-09 21:30:27

Lovely gentlefolk
Well here we are with thread three.
A new home with old friends and new to come.
Lucky - these days happen, and it is heavy on the heart. You are not a bad mummy; you need to allow yourself to feel the loss, and why on earth would you be jollily bouncing around?
I am sorry to say that I was on holiday when your sad story arrived and do not know what happened.
If you want to tell it again - I am all ears. If not, I will mine backwards.
Lins my darling lady - so wish lived near enough to bring you round a home-made lasagne and make you tea and look after wee dolly while you have hair cut.
Glad you are going to SANDS - think is a way of staying connected to your lost dollies.
Shangrila (OOPS - firstly I wrote Shagrilla!) - loving the hair concept - you go girl. It sounds hot,hot, hot.
How are you doing today GO?
Cantdo - hello to you - you too are a newly bereft person.
Bezz - urinal house arrest? Yikes - pissing down outside and in at the moment it seems.
Bee xxxxx

luckywinner Thu 30-Jul-09 21:43:13

Tonight I am mostly eating green and black chocolate and mumsnetting myself into oblivion so sorry in advance if I seem to be monopolising the new thread smile. ddddh is at the cricket and I am bored.

Busier, my story is not so exciting, but basically had mc 1st may, v early one so disappointed but philosophical. Got pg straight away with no af in between. Went for an early scan - 6 weeks, all ok. Went for another one 8 weeks and heard the dreaded news, your baby's heartbeat is v slow, not sure if it will make the week. Go back the following week (last thursday) and my baby had died. It seems there was some sort of cyst on the umbilical cord so they think that might have been the cause. Erpc Friday. Tears etc from then on. I think I came on to this thread because at one point they suggested to me that a v slow heartbeat is not a good sign and if that had still been the case on the second scan I was going to have to 'look at my options'.

While I'm at it I'll fill you all in with a bit of blurb about myself. Am 34, have 2 dc, one ds - 4, one dd - 2.6. Really want another dc but also terrified I am taking on too much. Live in London, a little green and cosy corner west/north west, sort of near Paddington. Am a sahm, used to be a nursery teacher. Been married to ddddh for 6 years. Been together since school. This was my 3rd mc. I think thats all.

Shangrila your hair sounds fab! Lady Gaga, ooh lala.

busierbee Thu 30-Jul-09 21:55:28

Tree - is it possible, could it be, surely not, that I forgot to say hello to lovely Oaky you?
Sorry my honey - will not happen again.
How are your branches?
Your twigs?
Your trunk?
Your roots?
Me fine - been at 'orrible work meeting.
Had therapy today too. Talked about the thread there in fact. Often do. As part of recovering.
Feel sad. Now I think about it and give in to the tiredness.. yes am very,very sad. I remember the early days of sadness, reading Lucky's post, and talking about the babies at therapy and it becomes real again. Can be taken back to the sorrow but it feels most peculiar. I can see it. I can see the rooms, the midwife's pitying look. I can see myself. I can see myself hiding in the toilet crying and wanting to run and call a cab and make it all stop. But it does not feel real. I cannot make it anything other than a bad dream. I wonder if I had held my baby, seen my baby, maybe it would feel part of my life. But somehow I was joyously pregnant one minute, then someone told me the baby had a chromosomal abnormality and heart defect, then I woke up and then I wasn't pregnant and I cannot make it make sense.
So - Lucky - I do see your pain darling. And in fact, really, I am happy to feel mine again as it helps assimilate it into my mind.
This is, I guess, why we are here.
Not sure where or why that came, but it did.
Night all
Sleep well
Bee xxxxxxx

luckywinner Thu 30-Jul-09 21:59:57

Oh Bee, I feel tears for you and I don't know your story well either. Don't worry I will go back and read, god knows you relive it enough to post it again.
Funny you say talking about the thread in therapy. I did the same yesterday.
I know what you mean about not seeing your baby. I am not sure I know the answer to that one, but I absolutely understand that feeling.

Here's to a peaceful night.

busierbee Thu 30-Jul-09 22:07:17

Lucky - me too on the Green and Black's honey!!!
Have had a third of a bar of 70 percent and half a bar of the new creamy one. Not good.
I think I know where you are - is it near to Paddington Rec?Is it even called that? With the park with the really nice cafe? I used to live in Maida Vale.
Okay - have had alot of G and B and quite alot of,, you know... wine. Pink. Organic so not really very alcoholic.
Wish we could snuggle up and have a boozy rant.
Last Thursday? Gosh Lucky. That is so very recent.
You must be raw, angry, worn out.
A lost baby is a lost baby.
When you are ready, well of course you can try again. You can cope with three children because they will be your children and you will love them. You are young enough to wait a few months. My shrinky shrink today was reiterating ( she loves to reiterate) how I need some time and space to recover and grieve and feel. She is of course right. And we all do.
A nursery teacher?
I train teachers - in fact trained a school near to you recently.
You are also bound to be tired because you have two small children anyway - in spite of losing a baby - well two really. Do not doubt yourself though. You are am sure a wonderful mummy, and will continue to be so.
Tears are to be expected.
I remember reading your story now but because i read it retrospectively I did not hear your voice and now i do.
Enough wine and chocolate for me. Certainly enough wine.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

luckywinner Thu 30-Jul-09 22:18:41

From my sitting room window I can see the very same park. The one I watched the police pour out of the other day. Still not worked out why. I will never be Miss Marple.
Where in the lovely W9 were you?
And you were prob at ds's school!

You are right. I would cope with 3. But I think it might have been you before that said I am obviously prone to reflection. I think introverted is a polite way of putting it. I have another session with my lovely therapist tomorrow and already I can feel more tears coming on.

Thanks for your lovely words bee, I feel v touched to be part of this thread, despite all the pain and sadness we are all carrying around.

busierbee Thu 30-Jul-09 22:22:49

Essendine School?
Is a fantastic school in my very humble opinion.
I used to live on Edgeware Road in Rodney Court in my early twenties - I love it round there.
Reflection is a wonderful thing Lucky. I am never friend with people who, when you ask how they are, reply 'Oh just great.'
All my friends huff and puff and i like them for it.
So huff and puff away and let the tears fall. Shame hubby not there to give you a hug.

luckywinner Thu 30-Jul-09 22:31:04

Ah no, he is at the local church school that is attached to our church.
Tis funny that you say it is a fantastic school. I also have that feeling, especially when you talk the v passionate teachers. However, it is v looked down on by a certain group of parents round here, I think mostly due to the fact that they are not 'people like them'.

Am now cosy in bed listening to some blah blah on the radio. Always find I can rely on the bbc world service to help with inducing sleep.

busierbee Thu 30-Jul-09 23:08:25

I am sure it is looked down on. Shame. No reason, other than snobbery. Tis the usual divide. Not quite as prominent over here in East London. My kids state school is a true London mix and I like it that way.
Night night Lucky - hope you have a peaceful night.
xxx

And Lins, I imagine you will be way too tired to log on, but if you do, welcome home.

And hello to Numpty - thinking of you.
And hello to Eulalia- where are you and are you okazay?

treedelivery Fri 31-Jul-09 00:18:44

Hi all.

Busy evening and then spent my free hour once kids asleep trying on sacks clothes I ordered for my mum to pass judegement. I'm not sensitive and it's a good job. But an honest answer is always a good answer. Hey ho.

Hope your hair settles to your liking shagrila, it does fade down. Or mine did in my long blonde days [size 12-14]

BB - sorry for your cloudy evening. And Lucky too. Sigh. Lets hope for sunnier skies tomorrow. Or less freaking rain at any rate.

I'm sorry I can't answer properly. I'm so tired tonight!

bezzyk Fri 31-Jul-09 09:18:09

oh Tree, how depressing, truly horrid having to shop for an outfit when you're not feeling comfortable with self. I suspect that you're being hard on self, and that in fact you look like a curvaceous yummy mummy. Also believe that everyone feels like this, no matter what the figure.

A really good friend of mine has an amazing figure (size 8 - 10 I reckon), and boobs in proportion to rest of her, and she tried applying to 'How to Look Good Naked'. So, just goes to show.

Lucky, you're feelings are not unusual, if you weren't feeling down and just plain old miserable, it would be abnormal. As everybody else told me in the beginning, the sun will shine again, and I promise, it does. In fact, when we first received our bad news, I couldn't be left alone, felt like how mini Bez must feel every time I leave the room (she's 2). I just needed to be held and cry and be still.

Love to everyone, day 5 of potty training here, am ready to give up.

BK xx

Cantdothisagain Fri 31-Jul-09 09:50:15

Hi everyone

Tree, I sympathize. I have a jelly belly just from going to 20 weeks with Stella, so I can imagine. I think when you're tired you always think you look worse than you do, though. Have you tried a fake wrap dress? sometimes they hide the jelly. Is this for the christening? what is Hatts wearing?

Lucky, Lins, hugs to you two. Lucky - it does get easier, as Bez says. I don't think it slowly fades though - it's more that you have more time feeling happy and less feeling sad - but the sadness still breaks through just less often.

The sun is shining, which makes things seem better IMO.

Got to go, MiniCant needs me. More later ladies and good luck with the potty Bez!

mowmi Fri 31-Jul-09 10:01:28

I hope you don't mind me gate crashing ladies - just popping in to say hello to Can't do - I hope you're ok? I've been snooping around and I know you're still very up and down - I hope the sun keeps shining for you!

Whilst I'm here can I just say how amazing I think the support you offer to each other is - truly inspiring.
I'm so sorry for all the heartache you ladies have been through and I wish you all peace soon.

Best wishes Mowmi x

bezzyk Fri 31-Jul-09 10:17:38

Hello Mowmi, good to see you. How are you?

Funny how therapeutic this thread really is, I'm not sure how I would have got through the last few months without it. No doubt I would have felt VERY alone.

When I first has termination I thought I was the only person in the world to do such a terrible thing, helps to realise that you're not on your own.

BK x

shangrila Fri 31-Jul-09 12:58:21

A Friday 'Hi' before I scoot off to embrace the dubious joys of the weekend.

I'm sorry that many here are finding it a struggle at the moment. I think the message that is being played out time and time again is that talking is key. I suppose there are so few real life outlets to let it all out for so many of us. Makes me appreciate this place for the jewel that it is.

Lucky and Lins - soothing hugs and understanding. Take it as easy as you both can and allow yourself to be pampered into oblivion.

Tree - clothes trying on is a demoralizing game, isn't it? Cantdo's idea of a fake wrap is a great idea. I have a selection and there are some good deals to be done at present. I do think this is where Johnnie excels himself. (No, I'm not on a retainer) Or DVF if you're feeling flush.

Bezzy - good luck with the wee training. I was a faint-hearted mother who gave up and it took ages afterwards. Stick with it girl! The nappy savings are more than worth it.

And love to Cantdo, GO, BB and everyone else. And especially to Numpty. Hope things are peaceful with you.

Off to the hygienist. Some treat for the day! xxx

NumptyMum Fri 31-Jul-09 15:32:41

I've been feeling rather disconnected over the last few days, removed from everything.

Probably because, as DH puts it, the last few weeks have been like a soap opera. It was only 3 fridays ago that I had the scan that showed up all of DDs problems and brought our dreams crashing down. And only last friday that we found out she'd died.

Anyway, I just had my minister around to help think about the funeral on Monday, and though we're not going to use it I wanted to post this poem/prayer here as I found it so lovely:

Come to us Creator God
so that we may praise you.
Wrest the clutching shadow from us
cast it into cloth for stars.

Bless each time of darkness in us
help us bear it into light.
Turn us round from running forward
still in us desire for flight.

Come to us Creator God
so that we may praise you.
Wrest the clutching shadow from us
cast it into cloth for stars.

(by Yvonne Morland)

Cantdothisagain Fri 31-Jul-09 18:53:05

Hi Mowmi and thank you for coming to see me. I do appreciate it, and I wish you all the very best. How many weeks are you now?

I am okay. It's odd how resilient we can be. What I realize though is that this has changed me as a person - I am literally not the person I was a year ago. Two traumatic losses has made me more introverted, more nervous, and worst, jealous. On the plus side I think I have more compassion. Anyway I am fine, most of the time. Went to the beach with DD today; she splashed and ran and laughed and it was a real tonic. Sometimes it hits me though and I am empty again. And I can't even think about the future and what might happen. But I am enjoying my DD, and enjoying the sunshine when it happens, and I am okay.

Tree - another clothes thought - Bravissimo dresses look great, if you are at all curvy?

That poem is lovely, Numpty. Good luck with the funeral. I cried through both of mine. And I don't cry often. I just didnt know how else to get through it.

Hi everyone else. Hope you are all - pregnant ones apart - going to have a nice glass of wine for Friday night!

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