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support thread for women who have chosen to terminate

(1001 Posts)
busierbee Thu 16-Apr-09 22:53:27

Busier Bee here - I felt that before I went to bed I wanted to open up officially a new place for weary travellers of those on the road that we have chosen to rest our heads, muse, sob, moan and support each other.
Also the kind, compassionate souls who have not been there but who offer their support and lend an ear and pass a gentle word.
We have chosen to be here and we are here and we are not alone.
Thank you so much all of you -for I personally do not know where I would have been in the last few weeks without you all.
Night - sleep well
kisses and thoughts
BB xx

justaboutspringtime Fri 17-Apr-09 09:07:41

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justaboutspringtime Fri 17-Apr-09 09:13:44

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JustineMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 17-Apr-09 11:51:15

Think we should make it clear that members are free to post wherever they wish and to express their opinions so long as they refrain from personal attacks - there are no rules about this.

However, our overriding philosophy is that we're here to make people's lives easier, so as always we ask folk to bear that in mind when posting particularly when the topic is sensitive, like termination.

NB we are looking at setting up a facility for private support groups in MyMumsnet, away from the main talk boards. This, we think, would be helpful for many but it may take a couple of months to sort as it's fairly complicated from a technical perspective.

justaboutspringtime Fri 17-Apr-09 11:56:43

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justaboutspringtime Fri 17-Apr-09 12:58:29

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expatinscotland Fri 17-Apr-09 20:22:50

'Think we should make it clear that members are free to post wherever they wish and to express their opinions so long as they refrain from personal attacks - there are no rules about this.'

Thank you for clarifying this, Justine.

The internet can indeed be a supportive place, but it's so important to realise, too, that as a public forum, open to the www, what we post on here is, well, open, in ways sometimes we didn't realise.

treedelivery Fri 17-Apr-09 21:29:48

How is Busier today?

Thinking of you. x

busierbee Fri 17-Apr-09 22:44:34

Hello sweet Tree
Am okay - been a hard day for all sorts of reasons but have emailed Justabout and Lins and had a good old cry and feel better - although that could be the wine talking.
Hope you okay too.

ilovemydogandMrObama Fri 17-Apr-09 23:49:02

Hi Busier - have been on wrong thread!

A good cry is good for the soul!

Absolutely ridiculous trip to Parcelforce. So, get this letter from them saying a package has been sent from Seattle (which can only mean from my dear generous Aunt). Customs have whacked on a £30.00 charge. OK, so feeling philosophical about it, me, DD and DS drive all the way to the Parcelforce depot. No, I didn't happen to bring my passport, I tell Mr Grumpy. No, I didn't bring my driving licence. So, he decides that he will give me the package if I can describe the contents hmm

So, I suggest that I call up the number on the letter, pay the Customs charge and then they would have to schlep the package all the way to my house. yes, that would be fine.

Anyway, call the supervisor over who accepts Bristol Zoo membership as official photo ID... hmm

It was so exciting getting books/clothes for the kids. My aunt takes great pleasure in buying things for other people...

Busier: Any plans for the weekend/next week? DS has to see the consultant at Children's Hospital. Very funny story, but he was in hospital last month for about 10 days. DD came to visit and there were several doctors there and she got spooked. I explained that DS needs help and she wondered why his bear couldn't help, so I said that the bear actually is coordinating them, and is in charge of making DS feel better. She now calls DS consultant, wait for it, Dr Feelgood shock He gets really embarrassed!

justaboutspringtime Sat 18-Apr-09 08:15:10

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linspins Sat 18-Apr-09 09:25:29

Morning all...
I'm pretending I'm not on here, honest.
Have to say that's pretty funny about the bear!
Lins xx

treedelivery Sat 18-Apr-09 13:16:07

Hello folks.

I'm pretending not be home! Have taken to bed [minus sheets as babd dd2 was sick] and brought the lap top with me. Officially I am doing the grocery shop........

dd1 and dh have been bribed with £5 for trip to town for helium balloon. We are all into balloons at the mo.

Busier - how are you after the cry? I always feel really washed out and odd. I hope it helped a bit. Big virtual fluffy blanket to you. Have you an appetite?

Maybe Dr Feelgood could drop us round some feelgood muffins grin

justaboutspringtime Sat 18-Apr-09 17:22:55

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lindso Sat 18-Apr-09 18:13:44

I've ducked in and out of all the recent threads from busierbee, linspins etc and been moved by the empathy and support.

I had a termination in Nov last year at 13 weeks as the baby had downs syndrome. Since then, I've been working like a dog, not talking, not allowing myself any time to reflect or think about what it all means for me. Also feeling such a failure - and being obsessed with getting pregnant again before i felt that i'd go into meltdown.

Am now 8 weeks pregnant and now absolutely shitting myself about the 12 week scan. I went out for a drink with some work colleagues last night and just felt i had nothing to say to them, they all seemed so carefree (which is ridiculous as we all have our woes) whilst I feel nauseous, exhausted and weighed down by everything. I feel separate from the world and consumed by this.

What i came on here to say though, after all tthat is, last year i posted on the pregnancy thread when i got a 1 in 4 risk of downs after my nuchal scan. I don;t know why really - what could anyone do? - but i didn't update after i had the cvs and made the decision to terminate. I couldn't - i felt that it was wrong - people wouldn't understand, it was something to be ashamed of.

so thanks to the women who have been brave and honest in talking about this - and your support for others in similar situations is very touching. thanks too, for getting this thread created - its been a revelation to me tto see that some of the feelings i've been having are normal and shared by others. x

busierbee Sat 18-Apr-09 18:49:21

Golly Lindso you must have been in a dark and lonely place - you poor thing. So scary and bewildering and shocking and it sounds very much like you have dealt with it as I did by focusing on getting pregnant. Congratulations to you - fabulous.
I can totally understand the fear and anxiety you must be under - the waiting game. Are you having a cvs?
If you want to talk about any of it - I know that everyone on this thread will support you and be gentle with you.
I am sure everything will be fine - I do not know why it happened twice to me - I just do not - but it did and it is very very unusual.
Do reach out whenever and for however long you wish.
Is brave to write at this stage - I think i was so blinded by worry that I did not think it was so enormous to write on pregnancy thread - I guess because so many people had reached out who had been in that situation.
I wish you well Lindso
BB xxx

treedelivery Sat 18-Apr-09 19:26:51

Lindso - welcome to the thread and I hope you settle here. We are resolved to make it a comfortable place to play the waiting game, be that awaiting results or scans or making choices and decisions.

<<plumps cushions and puts kettle on>>

And also a safe harbour for those who find the waiting game is over in whatever way.

I hope I speak for all who post here currently when I say you can post anything you like here.
I'm not in the situation of many of you women, I have just landed here from responding to another thread. But I'll try to hold hands if I'm needed.

Big waves to all the known posters and all the lurkers.

treedelivery Sat 18-Apr-09 19:28:14

Lindso - and congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope the next 4 weeks pass by, let us know if we can help you get there. x

HumphreyCobbler Sat 18-Apr-09 19:33:58

just popped in to say hello

thinking of you all

bezzyk Sat 18-Apr-09 21:21:06

Hello all, sorry to hear your story Lindso, it sounds very similar to mine, I also terminated at 13+5 (last monday) after Down's was spotted in a CVS test. I can't imagine what you're going through now with the worry of being pregnant. I really hope you stay in touch and keep us up to date with how you're getting on (rich coming from me who's only posted 3 times!).

Today has been lovely, helps when the sun is shining.

Sorry to hear you were feeling so low last night Busier, can't believe you still have the energy to respond to people's posts when you're feeling so sad yourself. You're a good person.

3 of my close friends are now pregnant, why does this always seem to happen. One of them (who was due a couple of weeks after me) is expecting twins. GGRR...I really want to be happy for all of them, but find it so hard.

One of these friends (who fair enough is due in July, so was pregnant long before me) knows my full story (not many people do as I wasn't sure how they would react) phones up for a chat, and spoke 'at' me for 20 mins complaing about being pregnant, then proceeded to talk about prams and car seats and, and, and....argh! Not once did she ask how I was. Quite frankly I don't think she really wanted to ask as she was scared of my response. Is it me or is that insensitive? Surely you don't ask baby advice from a friend who just lost a baby?

sorry for the ramble, back to the vino...

Night all
Bezzy xxx

linspins Sat 18-Apr-09 22:15:43

Hi all,
Lindso, so sorry about the loss of your little one last year. It sounds like you have been bottling a lot up since then and trying to blot it all out. But I'm sure being pregnant has brought it all to the surface so well done for coming on here and hope you stay to get as much support as you need. Big congratulations for being pregnant again. It's a scary enough this first time round, but after our loss I found I was just counting each day, to get through that first dreaded scan...keeping my fingers tightly crossed for you. I know that feeling of being separate from the world - it's like being in a bubble, and not really connecting with what's going on around. You are not alone, and I bet there are other women reading this who haven't posted who feel just the same as us. Lots of love.

Bezzy - pregnant's harsh isn't it. They just don't know what to say, and probably are so wrapped up in their own experience that they forget. I think my brain shuts down when I'm pregnant, so maybe they just didn't think. Sorry you had to go through that phonecall though.

Busier, yeah, had a 'good' day, hanging out with DH and DD, choosing curtains with my Mum, and burning a huge bonfire at their house. (And don't anyone come on here and tell me off for it, global warming etc!!!!)
Off for an earlyish night I think. Bit spooked about work on Monday, it's so intense. Did you go to the cinema? Thinking of you.

Hi Tree and Justabout - thanks for hanging round here with us all. xxx <<waves at everyone>>

Hello HumphreyCobbler.

Lins xx

busierbee Sun 19-Apr-09 00:03:16

Humphrey Cobbler - so glad you posted a wee message as i remember you from my thread and also have read your message on the other thread here - wanted to post hello to you but not intrude -so am glad you popped in. Pop in when you like.
Tree and Justabout - so sweet of you to carry on supporting us - is weird isn't it as on my original thread I was so .. golly . desperate, shocked , traumatised, saddened. Still have overwhelming sadness and fragility but life just does have a way of going on.
Bezzy - wine is the way sometines and i do think it would be more sensitive not to mention pram, buggies etc. But boy they have not been there and how could they know how much your heart breaks at times I guess and partly maybe sometimes people self consciously want to mention babies at the risk of offending you by not mentioning. Either way is painful for you and we know and you can always talk to us.
Lindso - Each day at this stage so hard - I could not read baby magazines, or fantasise about names or anything and then would give in and have a sneaky 'imagine' .
Just get through each day, another one gone, and know that many of us do know the agony of waiting.
You will be able to share the good news with us too when it comes - we will be delighted for you.
Lins - I too would be very fretful about returning to work and the real world - but I hope in your particular work place people will treat you gently and sweetly and who knows may be good to balance the sorrow with some distraction. I am sure we are ready .
I am going back next monday.
Today yes went to cinema and in afternoon pootled in Islington but I am not kidding that everyone is pregnant, everyone. and if not they have a little miracle of baby in a bugaboo buggy. Felt so tired and old and worn down.
So must go to bed as have to get up early to take Sporty Son to swim gala at 7.30.
Goodnight mums - rest well and glad you there
BB xx

ilovemydogandMrObama Sun 19-Apr-09 00:15:28

Hmph - didn't get a mention

<< leaves thread as being useless>>

Hope you have a good day with sporty!


expatinscotland Sun 19-Apr-09 00:54:42

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ilovemydogandMrObama Sun 19-Apr-09 01:13:45

oh dear...

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