Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

(210 Posts)
Alittlexmasmagic Sun 21-Mar-21 06:56:38

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

OP’s posts: |
No1worrier Sun 21-Mar-21 07:43:33


I hope this thread is okay for me to be on. My baby girl was born sleeping last week at nearly 23 weeks pregnant. I am absolutely heartbroken, grieving and finding life very difficult at the moment and the only thing that helps very slightly is concentrating on being pregnant again. I am not going to actively try until after my first AF just so I can track everything. I use opks and bbt plus use my RHR on my Fitbit. This worked for me in October when I conceived so will be doing it again.

Did everyone else wait until AF or wait longer? The thread is pretty long so I only skimmed through it quickly.

Thank you x

Kiki275 Sun 21-Mar-21 07:50:56

@No1worrier I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Have you also looked on the ARC forum, which was comforting for me in the dark early days?
I waited 12 weeks as I wanted a smear test completing before TTC. I'd had unexplained bleeding that I needed to rule out as anything sinister before trying again. After that it was all systems go and took around 6 months for me to conceive. There are ladies on here that have started immediately, the urge is overwhelming and entirely understandable x

No1worrier Sun 21-Mar-21 08:25:07

Sorry for your loss also 💗.

No I'm new to this, is it on mumsnet? Or the ARC website?

My bleeding is very minimal at the moment and that has been 4 days however I am sore. I had a D&C I'm sure it is called after my L&D so need to let things heal.

I feel so selfish for thinking about ttc already when it has only been 4 days but now I am home from the hospital without my baby I feel so empty, and I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all x

Kiki275 Sun 21-Mar-21 08:57:15

@No1worrier the ARC forum is here.
For security you'll need to email them for a username & password.

What you are feeling is entirely normal. Feeling selfish is just another side to the guilt we put on ourselves. It is not in any way your fault that it turned out this way. Neither is it your fault that every hormone/feeling in your body is urging and wanting you to conceive another baby.
Please be kind to yourself. TTC post TMFR is an emotional rail coaster and you'll need all your strength. We'll be right here beside you xx

BloodyHellAudrey Sun 21-Mar-21 09:09:16

No1worrier I am so sorry you find yourself here. It is horrific and the worst club to be part of. I felt exactly the same, the only thing I could focus on was TTC again, I think in large part due to needing to have something positive to focus on for the future. The grief is so huge and overwhelming.

We lost our DS2 at 21+4 after a severe spina bifida diagnosis at the anomaly scan in November 2020. His due date was last Tuesday and that was much harder to lead up to and get through than I'd anticipated. We started TTC after I'd stopped bleeding. I had a chemical pregnancy in January and am now on cycle 3 post tfmr.

Have you been advised to take 5mg of folic acid?

Be kind to yourself, the first weeks are rough and i found just a case of surviving each day. Are you being supported in real life?

Online I would definitely recommend the arc forum and SANDS website /Facebook pages. And if you Google SANDS and then search your area, you should be able to find the meeting details, they're online at the moment but i found and joined in quite quickly after our loss and it was a huge help.

It's AlexaPlayWhiteNoise under a name change, I've been thinking of you all. How is everyone getting in?

Alice40p Sun 21-Mar-21 09:56:42

@Kiki275 and @Dia12, thanks I hope everything is ok too with NIPT. Actually they didn’t diagnose my GD and everything was fine in their screening test, but I was worried as one value was close to their cut off and I insisted that they refer me to the GD clinic which they did. They sent me a glucometer and I found the values were high, so now I’m on a diet with walk after every meal. I am glad we caught it now as undiagnosed GD can cause problems with folic acid absorption and can lead to birth defects. I’m finding all this very scary!

Alice40p Sun 21-Mar-21 10:26:21

@No1worrier Really sorry you find yourself here. This is very tough especially in the very beginning. I felt exactly like you and TTC was something positive I could look forward to. I waited for one period after tfmr and became pregnant in the very cycle. Because of my age, I didn’t want to wait too long. ARC and SANDS are great. I’m also having 1:1 counselling which helped me a lot.
@BloodyHellAudrey Yes, anniversaries are really hard. I have my miscarriage one year anniversary coming soon. How are you? xx

Alice40p Sun 21-Mar-21 10:28:05

I think having a loss well into second trimester is even harder!

BloodyHellAudrey Sun 21-Mar-21 12:01:36

Alice40p I'm OK. It all of a sudden, the week leading up to his due date felt very raw and desperate again. Like the sadness of when we lost him but without the layer of shock I think. Now it's passed, it's gone back to the dull, even grief. Like the dull ache of a bruise rather than the sharpness of an open wound again, if that makes sense?

How are you feeling about the anniversary coming up? I'm glad the GD was found (eventually!) I'm not surprised you're stressed and worried about it. How closely will you be monitored now?

No1worrier Sun 21-Mar-21 12:40:08

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice 💗. I will definitely look at everything you have suggested. I have managed to shower and wash my hair today which is something I suppose.

@Alice40p congratulations, although I can imagine how worrying it must be. I already suffer from anxiety so I know it's going to be really hard for me when the time comes. How far along are you now? I seen you mention the NIPT test. I've been told I will be getting this done too when I fall pregnant again. I'm 34 so wouldn't say old but not young either. We would both like to conceive before our daughters due date in July, I know this is a personal preference as I've read on some forums people have waited until after. We think, for us, it would make the day a little easier if we are pregnant again x

Alice40p Sun 21-Mar-21 18:19:52

@BloodyHellAudrey Yes, I know what you mean, the pain comes and goes in waves, especially if it is around important days. I’m glad you are feeling better now. Yes, I’m being closely monitored now. Did they not find any warning signs with your baby at your 12 weeks scan? Now that I look back there were many warning signs with my tfmr baby.
@No1worrier I found counselling very helpful to manage my anxiety and grief. Could you perhaps ask your hospital to refer you? I think you can also have counselling through ARC or SANDS. The early days are very difficult, so I hope you have plenty of support in real life. I’m 11 weeks now and yes it is very worrying at times especially with this early GD diagnosis. I think I will only be able to completely relax when the baby is safely in my arms!

No1worrier Tue 23-Mar-21 14:35:34

It's been 5 days since my baby girl was born sleeping, was feeling okay with the physical pain up until yesterday when I started having labour type pains again, phoned the labour ward that looked after me and she suggested a bath and ibuprofen. I'm still having the pains today coming and going like contractions. Did anyone else have this? Is it normal?

Everything is just getting me really down, I'm the lowest I've ever felt in my life, my body is going through all this for nothing. I would put up with it if I had my baby infront of me but I don't 💔 life is truly s**t! Just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Kiki275 Tue 23-Mar-21 16:32:12

@No1worrier I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I had afterbirth pains which lasted a day or so. Mother Nature is an absolute bitch making us go through all this to them spring surprise pains on us.
Please remember that you have done all this to spare your baby her suffering. You've done it for her because you love her so much. It's truly agonising but we'd all do it a hundred times over to spare our babies a minute of hurt. It's awful but it will get easier, do you have anyone around to talk to? Do reach out to the ARC helpline if needed, also have you been offered counselling and a bereavement MW?x

Hadd9 Tue 23-Mar-21 20:38:47

@No1worrier so sorry you’re going through this. I was in the same position 3 weeks ago. My after pains lasted a week. Lots of strange things happen after and I’m more than happy to chat to you via private message.

I also had contraction pains, which they told me would be worse as I had the injection to help the placenta contract it’s way out. Your body is also contracting back to normality for your body.

I’ve been in the exact same position and the days after are very dark. Please take comfort we all feel like this. I also felt as if I had no hope, and at some points those feelings come back. But remember your partner/family and you’ll never forget your sweet little girl. Just make her proud!

If times get too hard or you need urgent help contact your GP, bereavement midwife (who are amazing) or Samaritans! Keep going, even if it’s just basics - getting up, showering, eating / drinking and don’t google!! 💕💕💕

Alice40p Tue 23-Mar-21 21:34:16

@No1worrier I’m really sorry you feel like this. The initial days are very hard and depressing and there is nothing more you want than the thought that the baby is in your tummy. Yes, it is rubbish that we have to go through all this for nothing! Hang on there ! There must be light at the end of this tunnel for all of us. Physically, it is a lot for your body to go through especially since yours was half way through the pregnancy. No, sorry, I didn’t have an experience like that but I did pass some clots and tissue and I called them about it. Insist on being seen if you are worried.

Alice40p Tue 23-Mar-21 21:39:23

@Hadd9 hope you are feeling a bit better now, at least physically.

Alice40p Tue 23-Mar-21 21:41:42

I also felt exactly the same that there was no hope and there was no meaning in life. That was my lowest point too. Sometimes that feeling of despair still comes. I have heard time heals it.

No1worrier Wed 24-Mar-21 09:26:48

Thank you again everyone, I'm so glad I have this forum to speak to people that understand. My partner has been absolutely amazing, he has taken time off work to be with me so we are both off for a few weeks. My family and friends have also been really supportive, however, I have been putting off seeing anyone. They all want to come visit and make sure I am okay, but I keep saying I'm not ready to see anyone. They message every day, have been dropping food etc at the front door then leaving but I just can't bring myself to see anyone outside my little bubble of my partner and I. I know this can't go on forever and the longer it goes on the more I will isolate myself. I have a midwife coming out this week so will mention how I am feeling and also the counselling to her. We are arranging our daughters service today too.

Last night lying in bed I read the previous thread to this, all 40 pages, and I am in awe of everyones courage, strength and compassion you have for each other. It has also given me alot of hope for the future seeing everyone having/being pregnant with their rainbow babies x

Mummabear40 Wed 24-Mar-21 09:52:13

Time does heal ladies I promise. The grief will still come and hit you in waves out of nowhere but it does get less constant I promise.
It is the hardest thing we’ll ever go through, that’s for sure xx

NoCallerID Wed 24-Mar-21 10:01:09

Thanks for the new thread @Alittlexmasmagic (is that you @Kiki275 ?)

I've been quiet on the other one for a while. Our forced break during the testing and treatment resulted in me detaching myself from my experience a little bit.

Sorry to see so many new ladies on here, I'm just grateful for this space.

We're back on the ttc bandwagon and I'm currently 3dpo, we've put all our efforts in this cycle and are naively hopeful that this is it and that the Doxycycline has put an end to my early miscarriages.

@Hadd9 I just read above that you got the injection to help release the placenta. May I ask how far long you were when you had your TFMR? And how long they waited before giving you the injection? We're in the process of putting in a complaint with our hospital and this information would really really help us. (My little boy was born at 14 weeks at 2:10am, they refused the injection despite needing one with my first born and at around 6am a consultant from A&E came and gave it a good pull and ripped it out - despite me saying this isn't right and it hurts - which resulted in retained placenta and an infection which caused 4 early losses....) thank you!

BloodyHellAudrey Wed 24-Mar-21 10:02:12

No1worrier the days and weeks after can be very dark. You just do what you can handle. Don't forget you are also dealing with the hormonal drop as well as the shock and grief. Be as kind and as gentle with yourself as you can. Make sure you eat if you can, and stay hydrated. There will be better days than this. Sending so much love to you flowers

Mummabear40 Wed 24-Mar-21 10:19:51

@NoCallerID I also had the injection to release my placenta, they insisted on it due to a massive bleed I had with my first born. I delivered my boy at 15 weeks and pretty much straight after they injected me to release the placenta.
Good luck with this cycle x

NoCallerID Wed 24-Mar-21 10:26:37

@Mummabear40 thank you so so much!!! This is so helpful! We've been on the fence about complaining but every little detail that kind of shows that my gut feeling is right and they were 'wrong' helps to make us more confident.

Kiki275 Wed 24-Mar-21 11:17:23

yes it was me @NoCallerID 😊 Keeping everything crossed for this cycle for you.
I had the injection straight after delivering the twins. Didn't even question it but my placenta had had laser surgery for the TTTS.x

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