@HopefulSparkler I am so so sorry, I was hoping you would come back and tell us you're one of the lucky ones.
I know that nothing I can say will give you any kind of comfort but I felt better just knowing I wasn't alone. And if you happened to have Dr. M and midwife K, I know that you've been in the best hands possible and I'm glad that warwick (I assume K or A) have been supportive too. We have mainly seen K and she even called me last week to check on me, which has been amazing. I know exactly how you feel about the heartbeat. When they put the Doppler on after the CVS I broke down as I knew it would be the last time I'd ever hear his heartbeat. Like you, mine/our thinking was very pragmatic and focused on facts, it didn't make it any easier because ultimately we're ending our baby's life. A life that we had an idea of in our head, a happy life. But we must not forget that our babies wouldn't have had this life. And what we do is not because we want the perfect baby, we take on the pain instead of letting them suffer which is nothing but pure love. For us, although we were still waiting for the CVS results, I think the grieving process started after the scan and CVS. I didn't feel pregnant any loner. Which is strange, considering I still struggle to get my head around that I'm no longer pregnant and everything I can feel some kind of wind in my bowels I have this millisecond of excitedly thinking it's the baby kicking.
I've been reading in the ARC forum a lot over the last few days and someone said we're not only grieving for our child that we've lost, we're also grieving for our healthy child that we envisioned we would have, and this is so very true. Obviously everyone deals with grief completely differently, especially men and women. Do whatever you feel like doing. For us, my husband didn't want to know the sex of the baby nor did he want to see him. I knew I couldn't deal with this not knowing so we did find out through the CVS. And as the circumstances happened, my husband did see the baby. He also said he didn't want to go to the cremation, but he will now come because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye in hospital and need this to grieve. I've never forced him to either (although I think both was/is needed) but I know he won't regret it. I'm not sure how this works with BAPS and what your way of grieving would be, but I'm sure the midwives have explained options to you and I hope that once you've come to make a decision they will still give you the support and all the information on charities and groups even if you go through BAPS. I hope I've not talked a step ahead, I know this can be very upsetting so please excuse me if that's how you feel. Have you been able to talk to someone other than your husband about it yet? There's no right or wrong and it's incredibly difficult to reach out, but most people will be understanding and supportive. Please don't think you have to go through this agonising wait on your own. And don't feel bad to set boundaries (I certainly have and I'm sure I've offended a couple of people in the process... but gosh I do not care.) some people know what's actually happened, others only know that we've lost a baby, and then most people don't know anything at all... I'm really not the kind of person to 'send virtual hugs' but please take this as one. And the offer stands if you ever feel like you want to talk to a random stranger who has gone through a similar thing.