We made the heartbreaking decistion to TFMR earlier this week at 24 weeks as our little boy has a severe brain abnormality. We dont even know if he would have reached term and if he had, would have physically and mentally disabled, even to the extent we dont know if he could have breathed unaided. I know we are making the right decision and had the first part yesterday so cant feel.him moving and not feeling 'pregnant' but am just crying constantly.
We went through the bits that come next and have agreed to an autopsy (with the geneticstesting we are having we are hoping for some answers.... our initial results were clear and the nature of the malformations indicate interuption/ infection in weeks 5 to 8) but am struggling with the decision to see him after he is born. Anatomically he will look perfect, just like a small baby, and would welcome any experience with this. I think i am scared as i dont want to be haunted by the image however, think it will be best in the long run. I am hearbroken
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Antenatal tests
TFMR advice
39Suzy · 20/04/2018 07:27
@39Suzy I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, it's one of the worst experiences in the world.
We had a TFMR at 21 weeks 11 months ago. I can't tell you what to do, but want to share my experience.
We were also told that our baby would 'look normal' and I was certain I wanted to hold him. DH was much less certain (some context, I work in a profession where I have seen lots of people die, albeit not babys, DH had never seen anyone die). During the induction we had lots of time to talk about our wishes with the amazing midwives who looked after us. They treated us with such respect and were so mindful of the fact that this baby was our son, regardless of circumstance. He was delivered onto my stomach with immediate skin to skin contact, I held him, then DH held him and I held him for hours after that. They gave us a cool cot so we could spend more time with him if we wanted and arranged for photos to be taken and made footprints on a card. The photos are in a sealed envelope, I have never felt the wish to look at them. After many months we have framed and hung the footprints with other family portraits in our living room because that feels like the right place for them.
I am really grateful that we have a chance to hold our son, but extremely aware that it's not for everyone. Only you can make the decision and it maybe that you both feel differently about it, that's fine too, there is no right or wrong. I would not put pressure on yourself to decide now, but speak to the midwives looking after you during labour, they will be able to help you through.
Thinking of you 
Hi @39Suzy. I haven't been through exactly what you have but have had two TFMR. So I think I understand something of what you are experiencing. These early days are extraordinarily tough on so many levels. It's exhausting to have to somehow live with your grief and as you say, think about results, talking to medical staff, etc. I just said on another post that I felt very isolated and alone, even though my husband and family were there for me. But to me, as a mother losing her baby, it is a deeply personal thing, partly because you were sort of the only person who 'knew' them.
I do want you to know that you are not alone though. So many of us have unfortunately been through something a little similar. You will get through this and be happy again, although you will never forget. It is amazing sometimes where you find the strength, but you do.
I am thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need over the next few weeks and days, and after that too. Remember that grief comes in waves. If you feel a bit better for even a few moments, don't feel bad about it, and if and for times when you feel absolutely desolate again, know too that it will pass. Lots of love.
Hi @39Suzy.
I'm so sorry to read that you are struggling at the moment, but it's normal. I struggled so much in the first few weeks, but it did start to get easier with time. That's not to say I don't think about our son every day and some things set me off crying easily when I connect them to him. In particular I found the cremation to be a surprising turning point, it was very simple, just myself and DH, no service, but strangely comforting.
Please take lots of time for yourself and your DP, do whatever feels right for you, talk about it or don't talk about it (I was definitely a talker, to the right people) and take time off work (I needed 10 weeks).
I found that the experience has affected me in strange and unexpected ways, my concentration span was poor, my ability to make decisions was totally knocked sideways, even simple tasks felt stressful and complicated. When I spoke to a counsellor she helped me to understand that these things were normal after such a traumatic experience and they have also settled with time.
I have been in contact with SANDS who have been really supportive and I would highly recommend speaking to them.
Be kind to yourself, keep posting here if it helps and know that you're not alone, lots of people are thinking of you.
Congratulations @39Suzy that is lovely news.
Thanks for the update. I am currently lying in bed cuddling our new baby, she is 12 weeks old and utterly amazing. The pregnancy was a really anxious time, but it has been so worth it. Wishing you all the very best for you and your family.
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