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Really struggling with me decision.

(9 Posts)
xjasminex Fri 06-Oct-17 01:24:45

I had a scan at 8weeks +4 days, baby has strong heart beat ect. I went for my 12wk scan baby had anencephaly, although happy moving around in my belly with a strong heart beat baby wouldn't live after birth. Me and my partner decided that although it would go against what I personally believe in that having a termination would be better for everyone involved.
Last Tuesday I had a sergical termination.
I ended up loosing a lot of blood on Saturday as they didn't remove everything from my womb.
My baby was taken to the morg, and revived a typ of autopsy to determine if the anencephaly is genetic. I'm feeling empty inside. One minute I'm pregnant with a healthy little baby getting ready to be a mum for the first time then 3 days later I'm bleeding out my womb. I will never be told if my baby was a boy or a girl. Family and friends assume I had a miscarriage. I know it sounds awful but I wish I did have a miscarriage, knowing my baby was alive untill I had my termination hurts like hell.

I really want to be a mum and my partner is also desperate for children. I don't know when we are aloud to start trying again. I don't know if it's right to try again, I know my baby was really poorly but matter of fact I literally killed my baby. Would it be wrong to start trying again? I don't want people to think that my angel wasn't important to me.

Don't really know what I want from this post. Just some advice. If you've been in my position. Your thoughts on my decision, and if It would be morally ok to start trying again once I stop bleeding.

Thanks in advance x

user1472377586 Fri 06-Oct-17 01:45:40

Oh sweetie, you did the best thing you could do. Sending you a hug. If I were you, get a genetic screen for you and your partner. You might need to pay for it. It will give a clear answer about whether this will happen again.

Bitchywaitress Fri 06-Oct-17 02:15:36

I'm so sorry for you, I really don't know what to say and I literally have tears in my eyes right now.

Please do try again if that's what you both want. My heart goes out to you. flowers. When life knocks us we can only get up again. Of course trying again DOES NOT mean you loved your first any less.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Out2pasture Fri 06-Oct-17 02:32:50

flowers

Downbutnotyetout Fri 06-Oct-17 02:47:22

I have been in a similar but not exactly the same position - we terminated for a chromosome disorder. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk, as I don't think anyone can truly understand what you are going through unless they have been there. Take it a day at a time. An hour at a time if you need to. Take advantage of everything that is offered to you in terms of support. If the hospital hasn't given you details already please please contact ARC www.arc-uk.org they are a fantastic resource and can help you with what you are feeling as well as the practical side of things. Know that you will get through this and know that you are not alone flowers

MsJuniper Fri 06-Oct-17 02:54:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the best and kindest thing for your baby, to prevent any suffering.

If it helps, you could talk/think of it in terms of a pregnancy loss rather than choosing between miscarriage or termination.

I wish you strength. Be kind to yourself and seek out support.

Waggily Fri 06-Oct-17 11:45:49

Oh sweetheart, it really is awful, isn't it? I have a termination for medical reasons 5 months ago because our baby had Edwards Sundrome and wouldn't have survived until birth.

You chose to do what was best for you and the baby. I knew that I couldn't have waited to give birth and then watch my baby suffer. It wasn't fair to the baby or to me. The only life that baby knew was being tucked away inside me and he was wanted and loved whilst he was there and that's the bit i hold on to.

If they are testing your baby for genetic conditions they probably do know if it was a little boy or girl. You could maybe ask the foetal Medici e department when you feel ready. We didn't want to know at first but a confusing GP appointment last week made me need to find out so I rang the hospital and they hit a consultant to ring me back to tell me that we'd had a little boy.

It's still very fresh and very raw so take care of yourself. It does get marginally easier sometimes (and sometimes it is still bloody awful) but you will be ok. And you can try for a baby as soon as you want. The hospital recommended I wait for 2 periods after the termination but the consultant said it was more important to be emotionally ready.

Look after yourself

limast Sun 21-Jan-18 12:55:31

I've only just noticed your post, I am currently in between finding out on Thursday my baby has anencephaly at my 12 week scan and booked for a 'medical miscarriage' in the next week.

I'm also struggling with the fact that my baby is currently lively and moving around inside me and won't be next week. Like you I feel I've made the best decision for everyone including my baby but it's still so difficult to be okay with something that goes against everything you would usually want. I completely understand and can relate to feeling like your are killing your baby and I hope we both find a way to feel okay about that.

I've been reassured about trying again when I'm ready. I look at it that this is my first baby and will always be special to me but that we also deserve a chance to have our first baby to take home too..

I hope you are doing well now.

CyclingFanGirl Sun 21-Jan-18 17:04:25

flowers for both of you xjasminex and limast

This is a really awful thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. We had a termination for medical reasons after finding out that our son had multiple unsurvivable problems, it came out of the blue at the 20 week scan and the process of giving birth to him after an induction at 21 weeks nearly broke my heart. We felt that we wouldn't want him to suffer and by choosing to end the pregnancy when we did we hopefully allowed him to die quickly and painlessly, I felt him kicking until labour started.
Like you I didn't want to discuss our choices with strangers (although all of my friends and family know and have been hugely supportive). We tend to simply say that we 'lost' our boy, people don't ask further.

There is a termination for medical reasons support thread in this forum, but please please contact ARC who are hugely supportive and can help you think about planning a future pregnancy too. Give yourselves time to heal, you need to grieve for the babies you have lost.

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