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Life after tfmr

(33 Posts)
Orangehighlighter Sat 28-Jan-17 12:00:53

I had a medical tfmr on Thursday at 14 weeks, 3 previous miscarriages pre 12 weeks and one healthy son, 3.5. I was coping until I left the hospital yesterday. I think while I was still in there it was still 'going on' and there were practicalities. I know it was the right decision to terminate but now I'm home I feel bereft, it's over. I don't know what to do. Dh is largely managing the care for ds which is great but I just want to hide away. Stupid question, how can I feel better, what can I do? How long will it take?

offbeatgirl Sat 28-Jan-17 12:30:59

I had a tfmr at 15 weeks a few years ago. Even though I was confident that it was the right decision I still felt grief striken afterwards. I was off work for around 6 weeks, and saw a clinical psychologist at the hospital a few times afterwards too which I think helped. We had a cremation which I found awful, but gave a sense of closure. I think you need to allow yourself time to grieve. I distracted myself walking, cooking, and repainting the woodwork in our flat. flowers

Orangehighlighter Sat 28-Jan-17 13:31:54

Thanks offbeat, sorry for your loss. I know it will take time. Motivation to do anything is zero. Dh is going back to work on Monday so I'll have to start getting on with things, he works away m-f.

leighdinglady Sun 29-Jan-17 17:40:46

I had a TFMR last Thursday, the 19th. It was devastating, as you unfortunately well know. So many emotions. I can't quite get my head around it and seem to flit between complete devestation and being 'normal'. I would say I'm feeling less desperately upset now feel a bit more at ease the last day or so. That being said I could feel different tomorrow. Let's just take it one day at a time.

Psychically I stopping bleeding very quickly although am still spotting a tiny bit now

fempsych Sun 29-Jan-17 17:53:20

Hi, I'm so sorry about the TFMR. I had one scheduled late November but scan just before showed baby had just died right before (15 weeks) due to the chromosomal issues. So had medical miscarriage in hospital. I also have a DD who is 3.5. I felt pretty awful, sad and low for a while then that mixed in with feeling ok before I felt fully 'ok'. I took as much time off work as I wanted (signed off by Dr) and took my time (slept/shopped/watched a lot of tv).

A TFMR is classed as a potentially 'traumatic life event' so the feeling of loss and grief is completely expected and, strange as it sounds, I think the only way out is through... I also felt ok during practicalities and tests etc then was v sad when at home. Take time to grieve - it won't be forever but the tears and the sadness are reflective of your loss.

X

leighdinglady Sun 29-Jan-17 18:24:21

Forgot to mention; I've been off work since. Im likely to return next week but I don't think anyone should be judged for how long they take.

RooMama Sun 29-Jan-17 21:03:50

The 1 year anniversary of my TFMR was Thursday, so exactly 1 year before yours OP. I don't think the grief ever really ends but it comes in waves. For the 10 days leading up to thursday I was feeling quite crazy and lacking control of my emotions, but that's gone now that the day has passed. I think my pregnancy last year has profoundly changed me, though. I am quieter, generally more prone to emotion, but also a lot more rational than I used to be about the circumstances of my life.My pregnancy was a twin pregnancy though, so my biggest point of sadness is for my 10 month old daughter who has lost her twin.

Orangehighlighter Mon 30-Jan-17 07:33:42

Thank you everyone for replying, so sorry you have all been through this too. A friend travelled over to visit yesterday and that helped, we talked about everything but also had regular conversations and it was good to feel 'normal'. Then I felt guilty.

I literally never have time off work so that is quite alien to me, also feeling guilty. I'd be the first to tell a colleague to take time out etc so going to try and take my advice and be kind to myself.

It helps to hear that it does get easier with time. But I can completely see that it's changed me forever.

If it's not too personal a question did you decide to ttc again? I would dearly love another child and a sibling for ds, but I don't know if I could cope with the roller coaster and potentially another loss.

leighdinglady Mon 30-Jan-17 09:10:27

I'm having the exact TTC issue myself. The nurse said I'm most fertile this month because the procedure psychically opened my cervix which will therefore allow more sperm through. We're so desperate to start our family. It's been two years now since we started.
We'll both be terrified of something going wrong, but we've been told our issue (Edwards) isn't genetic in our case.
I don't want the heartache of something going wrong, but each extra month without getting pregnant is upsetting too

hadtomakeanawfuldecision Mon 30-Jan-17 09:40:29

Sorry to hear this OP, it really is a club no one wants to join.
I swore we would never ever TTC again as couldn't risk another heartbreak but 12 days on am starting to think I still need a baby to hold. Whether or not my DH agrees and whether or not my eggs play ball is another matter. I am still bleeding a little, breasts still big, wobbly belly, I feel like my body hasn't yet realised I lost my baby.
I am debating asking my ob-gyn for an HSG to clear everything out and check no infection/risk of ashermans- unusual but my body seems awesome at beating the odds in a bad way atm.
Leighdinglady we are, sadly, tfmr buddies- I also had my termination on the 19th.
I have been told no sex no exercise nothing which could risk infection. Have a check up this Thursday. Did your nurse advise when you could actually start TTC again? Maybe it is just they are v cautious here (I am an expat in Asia).
Good luck to you all.

leighdinglady Mon 30-Jan-17 09:48:25

Hi. Sorry to hear you've been through the same. flowers

We were told no sex for a week. She said there's no reason not to start TTC straight after that. She said the reluctance by Drs is because it's harder to date the pregnancy and also because tests will say positive for quite some time, so it's hard to know for definate when you actually are pregnant.
Usually I would be ovulating by now but I've done OPK and its says I'm not fertile.
I had stopped bleeding, but yesterday I had a random splash envyGod knows what's going on. I'm probably setting myself up for upset when AF arrives by even thinking about TTC, but I just don't want to waste any more time

hadtomakeanawfuldecision Mon 30-Jan-17 09:58:40

That makes sense. Thank you. It is so awful. I think after two years you are definitely owed some luck from the universe. Hope it comes soon

fempsych Mon 30-Jan-17 20:43:34

Hi, so I am a bit further on from the TFMR/medical miscarriage and we have agreed to TTC but psychologically I'm still tentatively coming to terms with that as I really want to be sure I can cope with the anxiety I know I am going to experience during the early weeks of pregnancy. The fetal medicine midwifes have been amazing so I know how they will look after me but still...I kind of feel I need to be prepared for it happening again and be able to cope. However I am a psychologist so might be over thinking this :-)

Toottoot22 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:51:50

I had a TFMR 8 years ago, at 19 weeks. It was my second pregnancy and DS1 wasn't quite 2. It does take a while to get over it, also your hormones are all over the place so the first few weeks are hard. It took me a good 6 months to start to feel reasonably normal again. We did try again, it took a few months, periods were a bit all over the place and I really wasn't sure I was ready but it happened and I have another DS. The pregnancy was tough, I found it difficult to relax and cried at every scan, the hospital were great though, we were allowed extra scans and tests but the odds were unbelievably low of the baby having the same thing, even the midwife was surprised by the low odds. The fear didn't go away though but fortunately after a traumatic birth (not related) he's perfectly healthy. I still think about him, it's less painful these days but I do still feel some guilt which I know is ridiculous.

KittyandTeal Tue 31-Jan-17 15:57:45

I had a tfmr 2 years ago at 22 weeks. Our dd2 had T18.

My life absolutely fell apart but slowly and surely I've found and built a new normal. I became pregnant almost a year after loosing dd2 but lost our ds at 14 weeks. Life fell apart again.

I'm now a year on an am managing. Some days are awful but mainly I'm actually better than I was before we lost dd2. It sounds utterly cheesy and it won't make sense now, a few days later, but for me things really needed to fall apart before building something better. My babies legacies are that I can appreciate life now, I don't stress the small stuff, I say no to things I don't want to do and say yes to challenges and scary things.

I've started running and am doing London marathon for a charity to remember my babies.

There's no one way to get through and no set time (I had a big old cry today whilst watching my dd1 playing on her own) but at some point you will get through it.

Allow yourself to feel every emotion, don't deny yourself a feeling, even if it s a negative one. Talk about your baby if you want to but don't feel you have to. Don't rush yourself and take each hour at a time.

Arc are an amazing charity, if you've not been in touch already they are brilliant supporting after tfmrs. Sands are also great and have given us loads of support

Orangehighlighter Tue 31-Jan-17 19:44:49

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice, I was feeling very alone. I am truly sorry this is something we have all been throughflowers

Kitty - incredible you have found the inner strength after everything, running the marathon sounds like a wonderful thing to do in their honour.

I have read about ARC and I will contact them. I've been a long time lurker on mn and it really has helped me in the last month or so. Thank you.

leighdinglady Wed 01-Feb-17 08:35:17

Psychical question please - I stopped bleeding very early on, at about 4 days. At 11 days it's come back and now at 14 days it's still going. It's dark coloured, not bright red.
I don't think it's an infection as no symptoms would made me think that.

I also feel very faint this morning. I've had a Negative pregnancy test so maybe it's hormonal???

hadtomakeanawfuldecision Wed 01-Feb-17 11:49:06

Have bled continuously (it is now dark brown) but also horrendous faintness for last few days so maybe it is hormonal. I was thinking of upping iron in case?

KittyandTeal Wed 01-Feb-17 16:13:06

I was the same, off on bleeding for for a good few weeks

hadtomakeanawfuldecision Fri 03-Feb-17 04:13:35

Hi orangehighlighter, I hope that you are feeling better and your husband is able to support you emotionally and physically as you recover. My husband was being absolutely useless, in fact actually nasty, and I had to have a melt down on him about taking work stress out on me when I was still vulnerable and sad. I think he thought the op had fixed it all and we were back to normal. Idiot. Anyway, he is very sorry and I feel a bit more cared for.
In case it is helpful to you, I went for my two week follow up yesterday and the doctor scanned me and advised one more week of bleeding and three weeks until my next period (based on blood vessels and also my eggs in ovaries).
I mentioned the dizziness but my iron levels were excellent when they tested so no clearer on the cause.
I now have the all clear to exercise and swim and have sex.
I think exercise and losing the baby weight (and a few kg more) will be how I feel better. We move back to the UK in 12 weeks and if I haven't got a bump I am at least going to be as hot as I can in my goodbye party photos and when I see my British friends again. My husband wants to delay TTC for a year. Don't know how I feel about that. Will wait until hormones calm down a bit.
Hope you all have a restful weekend.

leighdinglady Wed 15-Feb-17 09:02:23

Can someone please give me a virtual slap (or hug)
I'm feeling really, really, bloody shit today. I had my tfrm at 14 weeks on 19th janauary. In an ordinary cycle I'd be due AF today. Im waiting for her to show her bitchy head.
It's probably hormomal but I definately feel on the edge and don't want a period as I should still be pregnant and this isn't fair and I'm going to cry in to my Starbucks, which tastes bitter, just like my life. Aaaaah I've turned in to an emo teenager now

Lixon Wed 15-Feb-17 09:09:49

I'm so sorry Leigh, not sure I can add anything useful but I know how you feel and I hope it's just AF making your emotions run high (or not if you've already started TTC again?). Do you have to be in work today?

I tfmr at 13w6 last Thursday and this pregnancy followed my second miscarriage in October so I'd basically been pregnant since august and yet have nothing to show for it. It sucks.

Lixon Wed 15-Feb-17 09:13:42

Perhaps not for everyone but eating lots of chicken liver pate, a massive vacherin mont dor cheese last night and drinking some delicious sparkling wine made me feel more human and like there are some positives to not being pregnant. Similarly can't really afford it this year but am trying to book a cheap last minute ski trip again to make me feel like there's an upside to having at least 4 months longer than expected before going on maternity leave (and possibly much more than that :/). Probably not the healthiest attitude but I think it will make me feel better.

Is there anything you were missing you can console yourself with?

leighdinglady Wed 15-Feb-17 09:23:29

Thank you. I've done exactly the same. We're going on a last minute ski trip to tignes this weekend (£550!) and I'm going to drink so much white wine and eat fondue and rare steak, whilst trying not to be upset that I shouldn't be doing all those things.

We haven't TTC this month. I wanted to, as I thought getting pregnant again would fill the void, but I was still bleeding whilst ovulating, which is kind of a passion killer. In hindsight though, it would have been too soon. I've only in the last week or so controlled my emotions, so I think today is hormomal. My female bosses are amazing so I might bunk off early.

Stay positive - it's shitty being pregnant all that time. Really, really difficult, but at least you know you can get pregnant and hopefully will do again soon. Hopefully there's no link between the two tragedies?

It took us 18 months to conceive this one, which was our first, so I think that's adding to our pressure as we don't want to wait that long again!!

MrsT2007 Wed 15-Feb-17 09:24:16

Was here 5 years ago. Bled on and off for 10 weeks afterwards so just be patient there.

It took me til after the due date to find closure. I was dreading that. Once that passed I felt more at peace and able to move forward....& found myself pregnant the following month, the result of which is off to preschool in a minute. And she feels bizarrely like our destiny. She was meant to be here, & be ours. Its most strange.

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