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My Wife

(4 Posts)
Robthefun1 Thu 27-Oct-16 06:20:48

Id need to tell you about my wife. I don't know why but I do. She is a wonderful woman. Unlike me she is kind, compassionate and considerate. She is the type of person who always finds the best in people. The type of person who will travel 50 miles to make sure a Birthday card is received on time.

She has wanted a baby for 13 years, pretty much since we were married, everything from then until now has been a prelude to becoming a mother, her one greatest wish.

On Tuesday we had our 20 week scan. Something we expected to be routine. However we were told our baby had a severe heart defect. We were directed to a specialist who has now confirmed that the defect is of such an extent that it is not survivable.

We have a further appointment with a fetal cardiologist to run through the necessary beauracracy, however my wife will need to endure the anguish of labour and birth without the prospect of the event being the start of the life she has wanted for the past decade.

I am incredibly sad. The saddest I have ever been. For me to a certain extent, but mainly for my wife. She is obviously inconsolable. She has done everything right, we waited the many years we have to make sure we could give our child the best possible home and future. I feel robbed of that future and most painfully I feel my beautiful wife has been robbed of it too.

My wife, my wonderful, amazing wife has always been happy, I hope that she can be again, but I fear that with everything she has been through and the emotional and physical strains that are to come she will not recover to be the person she was only 2 days ago.

Tiny things are so painful for her, we have a nursery already furnished with no baby to make use of it. She has maternity clothes she must now still where until she has gone through induced delivery, we have email updates from baby shops etc. She has had to tell her friends and work mates. She has friends who are themselves pregnant. With each small thing I see her heart fade more and more and see how angry she is. I can't help her because I am so angry too. The injustice of it all when she has worked so hard to be ready to be the best mother she can be whilst scum fritter away the joys and responsibilities of motherhood is so impossible to reconcile.

I'm not sure what we're supposed to do.

I can't believe how brave you are my darling. I love you so much. I wish I could take all your pain.

Sixisthemagicnumber Thu 27-Oct-16 06:30:16

Sorry to hear your heartbreaking news. There are no words I can write that make would help or make sense of the situation. Life is so
Cruel and unfair at times. flowers

KittyandTeal Thu 27-Oct-16 16:01:14

I have been your wife. Our dd2 had trisomy 18 who ch is also unsurvivable. We lost her at 22 weeks.

We were lucky in the sense that we already had dd1 so she was not our first, I had already done the labour bit.

She will be offered all the pain relief she could want. Tell her to use it if she wants it. I felt I needed the pain a little bit, I needed to feel I had birthed my daughter. I used gas and air and morphine which worked well for me. I was offered an epidural but turned it down.

The hospital may have a specialist sweet where you can give birth to still born babies. We were lucky enough to have this and it really helped.

You will have the option of spending time with your baby, having prints and photos taken. I would suggest doing this, even if you don't want them right now you can have the hospital keep them on file for you if you want them in the further.

You will be offered a range of funeral services by the hospital. I would discuss it together before you go to hospital. Our Chaplin came while I was pretty high on morphine so my dh did the paper work and made our wishes clear.

I have since met many men who have been through similar situations. All of them said they felt they needed to be strong for their wives/partners. Usually the wives/partners say they wished they hadn't felt that. Please express your emotions as you want to, I think it's second nature to put your wife first which is wonderful, but look after yourself too.

Arc are a wonderful charity supporting families through antenatal diagnosis and loss. Sands are also brilliant and do a leaflet specifically for male partners which is definitely looking at, my dh found it helpful. Sands also have local support groups open for men and women, my experience is that men frequently go to these too.

I am so sorry you and your wife are going through this. Baby loss is horrific at any stage but it feels especially cruel later on.

I am happy to answer any specific questions about birth etc. I had a post 21 week termination which I can also talk through if that's something that will be happening to you guys. I am also happy to pm with you or your wife if I can help. I really would suggest ARC and sands though. Both are wonderfully supportive at such a shit time

KittyandTeal Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:27

I should also say your wife sounds wonderful.

You will get through this, you will. If only because you have to.

I am almost 2 years after loosing dd2 and 6 months after loosing ds. Day to day I'm ok but I still get very angry. I struggle with pregnant women and babies, they fill me with dread. I found myself stood in front of a display of baby comforters and cuddlies yesterday in town yesterday and had a bit of a cry. I'm absolutely ok with crying in public now!

It's a very long road but at some point you find a new normal.

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