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In turmoil :(

(5 Posts)
babs68 Wed 05-Nov-14 12:17:32

I found out two days ago that I am pregnant although only 4 weeks. My dilemma is whether or not I should go ahead with the pregnancy. I am a month away from my 46th birthday and so part of me says that statistically the pregnancy is highly unlikely to progress to full term anyway. I had a planned pregnancy which miscarried about 18 months ago which took a huge amount of getting over and DH and I decided that we wouldn't try again and would move on and I have to say, have been very content with this decision. I don't think either of us had contemplated trying again and in fact, like so many, I thought I was starting to go through the menopause anyway.

I already have 3 DC aged 21, 19 and 17. The eldest two live away from and the youngest lives with this dad and I think they would all be horrified if they thought I was having a baby at 46. That is one consideration! The other is my age. My DH (aged 44) is concerned about our health as the child gets older and also being in our 60's before we are "child free" (or as child free as you ever can be!) I know it sounds so selfish but we were looking forward to travelling together, the possibility of early retirement and moving to live abroad, and now it is just the two of use, enjoy "just being" on our own. We are a happy couple, really happy and I suppose I don't want anything to come in the way of that.

My DH doesn't have any children of his own and is so supportive whatever I decide, although he does seem to think it is my decision because there are more factors for me - the kids, the pregnancy. One minute he seems to think this is an incredible achievement in itself and so we should just run with it and the other says that if I decided to have a termination that would be fine and he would be happy to carry on as before. The problem is, is that I don't want to have to make the decision sad

Anyone with advice on carrying on as an older mum or deciding that they couldn't would be appreciated!

Candycharm Wed 05-Nov-14 16:09:04

It definitely should not be solely your decision, it's up to both of you. Obviously this could be your DH thinking he's being supportive as in not telling you what to do but it's wrong for you to make such a big decision on your own. He might find the whole thing easier for you to decide because either way he will always be able to say it was your choice, also he may feel guilty about the idea of not continuing the preganacy so wants no part in making that decision.

I'm not an older mum but I have known quite afew women becoming mums in their 40's, one particular woman was 42 but she was very fit and very healthy and was pregnant at the same time as someone younger. The 42 year old always seems to have much more energy to deal with her son than the other woman. I don't think age is something that should make you think you cannot continue but obviously it is worth thinking about as you said.

I can see why you'd feel worried about your kids reaction, tbh if you were my mum I would be pretty shocked I guess but ultimately if you do decide to keep the baby your children would come around to the idea. It's a very difficult decision to make but you have to do what is right for both of you as a couple, and if you did decide not to keep the baby how would you feel about a termination.

Foxeym Wed 05-Nov-14 16:19:36

I have 2 teenage DCs and DC3 has just turned one. I'm 43 and he was by far the easiest pregnancy and my nuchal came back at 1:19000 so very low risk. We are contemplating another so I will be 44/45 if it happens. My 2DCs were hesitant at first but now love him to bits. He has definitely bought another dimension to our family but I wouldn't change it for the world as he is a fab little boy!

babs68 Wed 05-Nov-14 18:17:49

Thank you ladies. No one can make the decision for me but helpful to have other people's views. I thought this afternoon I had decided not to go through with it but to then catch up with a friend the same age as me who has just had a baby and is over the moon. Nothing's easy hey?! And I don't suppose this should be.

WipsGlitter Wed 12-Nov-14 12:21:45

I have three friends who became mums again in their 40's one was about 43 (I think, she's coy about her age), one was 45 and one was about 44 (again, coy!). One was planned (and she is a fertility doctor!), one was sort of planned (just took longer than they were expecting) and one was a happy accident.

For all of them their new child enhanced their life. I do sometimes think two of them find it a bit exhausting and found the gap between children a bit tricky, but they don't regret it.

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