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abortion.. please help

(23 Posts)
justwantitmadeforme Wed 05-Mar-14 20:21:55

I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, ordinarily I'd be happy but I already have a four year old and a fifteen week old. Me and OH were using condoms as contraception (fat lot of good they were!)

I really don't think I can cope with a third, I don't feel the same way I did with my previous pregnancies. I almost don't acknowledge it.

I really don't think I want to continue with the pregnancy, but then I feel sad and guilty.

I haven't started taking folic acid and haven't rang the midwife or anything.

Even though I feel sad that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision does it, after all it is a sad situation.

DP says he will support me no matter what I decide.

I'm struggling enough with two let alone adding a third so soon.

meditrina Wed 05-Mar-14 21:30:03

OP: you might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread to "antenatal test and choices" as I think it's more likely to be seen by posters with relevant experience (rather than here in 'contraception')

LineRunner Wed 05-Mar-14 21:35:11

You are going through what thousands and thousands of women go through every year, every month. The vast majority of them might regret the situation that they unfortunately find themselves in, but don't regret having a termination.

Please go and see your GP - any GP - as quickly as possible, because if you are going to terminate the pregnancy you need to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

I hope you are ok and I know it's not easy.

justwantitmadeforme Fri 07-Mar-14 12:32:26

thanks for your replies, I have rang bpas instead of my GP, they have really long waiting times for appointments.

I had a dream last night that I started bleeding and I woke up feeling relieved, I feel awful. I just want the decision to be made for me.

just when I think abortion is the right option I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

I am scared, how would I get my four year old ready for school as well as a one year old as well as a nnewborn baby?

my daughter will have only just started school, I'm worried she will need me a lot more as I don't expect the transition to be an easy one tbh.

I am torn. is guilt the right reason to keep a baby? and if I definitely did want the baby wouldn't I have got the ball rolling now and booked my mw appointment and started taking the folic acid and what not?

I'm fighting with my own conscience and I hate it. sad

LineRunner Fri 07-Mar-14 12:52:27

Have you booked an appointment with BPAS? They will help you.

Yes, I had mixed feelings as well but in the end I knew that I just did not want to be pregnant. That feeling was very strong. I don't think guilt is ever a reason to make a decision that you feel is wrong for you. Anyway, I never had any regrets, just regrets that I found myself in a situation involving being pregnant and not wanting to be.

justwantitmadeforme Fri 07-Mar-14 12:54:56

I'm trying but I keep ending the call before they answer, silly I know.

LineRunner Fri 07-Mar-14 12:58:19

It's not silly. It just goes to prove that no woman enters this process lightly. And of course, you don't have unlimited time to decide on what is best, if you do opt for a termination.

Do you have good support in RL?

VillaVillekulla Fri 07-Mar-14 13:00:01

No one can tell you what to do OP. I totally understand that feeling of wanting someone else to make the decision for you but it has to be your choice. You're right that feeling sad doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.

Do you have a close friend who you could talk this through with in RL? I'm glad your DP is being supportive and not pressuring you either way.

I really hope you get that appointment with BPAS and that you make the best choice for you.

Call BPAS. Don't hang up this time. They will be well used to supporting women who are confused and maybe tearful. That's what they're there for.

Good luck!

justwantitmadeforme Fri 07-Mar-14 13:06:13

Rang them, appointment is on 17th March which is over a week away, and thats not for the actual termination, I really didn't want to be any further along tbh but it looks as if I will be. sad

VillaVillekulla Fri 07-Mar-14 13:51:39

Well done OP.

ItsSpringBaby Fri 07-Mar-14 15:56:44

I was in a similar situation about 3 years ago.

I also had two young children, and at that time felt I couldn't cope physically or mentally with another.

I was 8 weeks and was offered a surgical termination. I ended up being sent home from one appointment due to being over emotional, and then cancelled another. On the 3rd I was 'threatened' and told if I cancelled again, they would not offer me another date. I decided to go ahead at 12 weeks. I regret waiting so long, but I needed the time to decide what was best .

The relief was immediate, but in my case guilt did set in. I believe with hormones and whatnot you can experience a range of emotions. I will say, I was never happy/unhappy I had terminated, but rather regretted the pregnancy had ever occurred in the first place. It took me a long while to learn to live with my decision and unexpectedly I did grieve the loss quite badly during that period...but ultimately I know I made the right choice for myself at that time.

Other than that I agree with all the other good advice given, it's also good to talk to a professional, I think it helps you to kind of sort through your feelings. I'm glad you have a supportive OH and hope it all works out for you.

UnknownGnome Fri 07-Mar-14 16:25:54

Definitely talk to a professional. I didn't seek counselling before my abortion and i really wish i had. The counselling they gave at the hospital was awful; not counselling at all really.

I am suffering regret after mine, but that's the kind person i am. If I'd continued with the pregnancy I know I'd be full of anxiety about the practicalities of a third child and worrying about how I'd cope.

I wish our circumstances were.different because if they were I would have continued with the pregnancy. But things are as they are.

It's a really hard decision to make but just because you feel sad about terminating doesn't automatically mean that its the wrong thing to do.

I really feel for you. It's not a nice place to be thanks

UnknownGnome Fri 07-Mar-14 16:34:35

And as spring said, it's quite normal to grieve after an abortion. I held my grief in for a long time because i felt i didn't deserve to grieve -it was my decision after all. But I think its important to allow oneself to grieve for the loss.

justwantitmadeforme Wed 12-Mar-14 17:05:57

I just don't see how I can make this decision.

on one hand I feel I absolutely do not wish to be pregnant and know it probably isn't the right thing for us right now. then I look at my baby boy and I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt/sadness.

work won't let dp take the day off to take me to the clinic (it's a bpas one about twenty miles away) I'm getting further along and more worried.

I have so many reservations, still haven't taken any pregnancy vitamins or folic acid or anything in fact I feel little excitement, usually I am the first to download all the pregnancy apps. blush

now there's nothing. I'm also scared about the scan at the consultation..confused

sorry for the ramble I just don't know what to do..

UnknownGnome Wed 12-Mar-14 20:42:58

It's completely normal to feel so conflicted.

I knew when i saw the positive line on my test that i felt completely different to how i did with my previous pregnancies. I was like you-I just didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to have an abortion either.

I will be truthful and say that.I've regretted my decision to abort ever since i took the pill. That said, who knows how i'd be feeling if i hadn't taken it? I may wish i had. The pressure's off now so i can look at what might have been with rose-tinted glasses, but in reality I know all the practical problems would still be there.

It's so hard. People kept telling me that i was the only one who.could make the decision but i just wanted someone to make it for me. In the end i think i was swayed by my dh who categorically didn't want another child. I did what i thought was best at the time.

It's so difficult and i really really feel for you.

<hand-holding and hugs>

sj73 Wed 12-Mar-14 21:57:26

Hello there

I was in your situation last year. I couldn't face having a third child for so many reasons. I reallly didn't want to be pregnant.

What helped me was giving myself time to think about both options. I had nearly 3 weeks between finding out and terminating. I wrote lists of fors and againsts and tried to imagine how I would feel with both outcomes. I was really sure by the time of my appointment to terminate. I know I'm really lucky to have felt so sure but giving myself the time to really think about it helped.

You won't have to see the scan at your appointment. My initial appointment was grim but they were so nice and sensitive to my situation.

It was a very shitty 3 weeks. I was so so sad to be in that situation and to go through a termination but months later, I am at at peace with what happened. I'm sad about having been in that situation but not about what might have been.

Like Gnome says, it's a really difficult and sad situation to be in but lots of women have been in our situation and have come out the other side.

Would you consider counselling?

UnknownGnome Wed 12-Mar-14 22:06:16

I would recommend counselling. People kept advising me to look into counselling before making a decision because i was so torn (sj73 was probably one of them!) But i never did. Mainly because i kept having the same problem you were having with actually making the call. I wish i'd done it.

Dustyblue Sat 15-Mar-14 12:26:59

OP, I'm so sorry for you... there's no way around it; this is a tough situation to be in.

I just wanted to mention (b/c it was important for me at the time, and might be relevant for you) that if you do have a surgical termination/D&C, it's actually best done between weeks 8-12. Before that, the D&C can miss it as it's so very small, and after is harder on you.

You shouldn't have to look at the scan, if they do one. They should position the monitor behind you, so you can look if you turn you head on a weird angle, but if you look straight ahead you'll not see anything you don't wish to. Of course, all practitioners are different- but chances are they won't 'make' you look.

As LineRunner said:

"You are going through what thousands and thousands of women go through every year, every month. The vast majority of them might regret the situation that they unfortunately find themselves in, but don't regret having a termination."

This is worth repeating, again and again.

So sorry for you sweetheart, I hope you can come to the arrangement that's the least painful for you.

justwantitmadeforme Sun 23-Mar-14 21:47:54

Just thought I'd update this thread, after much discussion between me and dp we have decided to keep the baby.

I don't think I would of gone through with the termination. our circumstances will be a lot better in Oct, we wi'll hopefully be in a new house with better access to schools and shops etc. I am pretty isolated here with not driving yet.

thank you for all the supportive posts, I really needed it. it felt like I was alone at the time. thanks

HerrenaHarridan Sun 23-Mar-14 22:30:38

Aaah, that's lovely.

Congratulations smile

Whiteshoes Sun 23-Mar-14 22:47:03

I was lurking, and thought there was quite a lot of hesitancy in your posts but didn't want to put words into your mouth, so just lurked. But that sounds like the right call for you. Nice one.

BabyBorn Sat 05-Apr-14 21:56:45

Aawwww, glad you made that decision. Congratulations x

Jellymum1 Sat 05-Apr-14 22:03:07

justwantitmadeforme.... congratulations

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