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Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

(278 Posts)
desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:20

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

flipchart Wed 03-Jul-13 12:25:58

She's potential lying to him.

She isn't giving him chance to have a say in a baby that he has helped create or a chance to make things better.

Like I said ultimately an abortion may the correct decision but the sweeping statement that you came up with sounds cold, matter of fact and a complication free procedure which doesn't take other factors into account such as she is part of a relationship and may need health and emotional support.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 03-Jul-13 12:26:59

It is her husband's baby too, and this could have a negative effect on him and their future relationship.

Quangle Wed 03-Jul-13 12:27:05

I'm hugely pro terminations - they do a huge amount of good in the world and that should absolutely be on the table for you. But I can't think that having a termination without telling DH is a good idea. Not because it will scar you for life or all the rubbish people talk about what it's like to have an abortion - for some people it's a great decision and they look back on their decision with gratitude. But because it will be a secret in your marriage and because it already sounds as though communication is a problem.

You need to stop bearing all of this alone (current DC, all the worry over what you are going to do). It will lead to extreme thinking of the kind madbuslady was referring to (and I think she's absolutely right btw). You need to talk to him, I think. He needs to know that the current situation (which he does not yet fully understand) must change - either you get a termination or he changes his ways. Either way, something has to shift.

colditz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:27:58

Yes I know, at no point did I say it was a simple as getting a haircut.....

Am I being deliberately misunderstood? Because I posted my first post in the hope that the OP would be reminded that, whatever her choice, her husband wasn't having anything done to him. I was attempting to help to clear some of the emotional fog that surrounds something as traumatic as an unwanted pregnancy. I posted in the hope that the choice the OP makes will be for her, not for her husband, her existing child, or people who can't have any more babies and feel she should be grateful.

Of course it's a complex situation and a miserable position to be in, at no point did I suggest that it wasn't though.

bobbywash Wed 03-Jul-13 12:28:22

colditz that attitude is just wrong, she is lying to her husband and proposing to keep it a secret. Is that not doing anything?

How can you square that your post with your position if he had lied and kept a secret? I have little doubt it would be LTB.

Still it's more about the OP than your agenda, she should talk it over and get any help she feels she needs.

colditz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:29:05

No, it is not her husband's baby. Currently, it is a bundle of cells in her uterus, and other people don't get a say in what one does with ones uterus.

Back2Two Wed 03-Jul-13 12:29:48

even the weekends when he is off work he doesnt know his routine or what he eats for dinner so i end up doing everything myself anyway. Ive thought about what if this causes problems and im unable to have children in the future and thats terrifying, but whats more terrifying is having another baby right now by myself.

Just wondering, do you allow your husband the chance to do it his way at the weekend? You "end up doing everything yourself"..... That's actually a choice that you are making and you are not allowing him the opportunity to do his bit....because you are sure he'll just "do it wrong".

You could have some time to yourself if you give your husband simple guidance (time of food, time of nap). Just a structure. Then, let him do it his way and relinquish the responsibity to your son's dad! He won't do it the same as you guaranteed, but your son will be fine and will come to no harm. He may benefit from a different approach.

Of course, this is only if your husband is up for it, and actually does want to spend time with his child/ren. You'll soon know if you actually let go of the control. Being in total control is probably stressing you out, making you depressed and isolating you.

meddie Wed 03-Jul-13 12:30:00

Op just wants support. I think posts urging her to think again and that 'others have done it, you can too' aren't really helpful and just pile on the guilt that she should be coping, not all of us do.

OP. only you know whether you can cope with having 2 under 2, only you can make that decision. none of us have the right to try and persuade you or guilt trip you, as none of us will be there at 2am coping with a fractious, toddler and a newborn or coping with teething, weaning, colic and the myriad other issues involved with child care.
None of us will be taking the baby to give you a nap or a day off.

Your husband needs to know that you are going ahead with this and the reasons why (lack of support). because physically a termination will be difficult to hide, not to mention people will get suspicious about the lack of medical intervention/scans etc)

As a poster above mentioned, unless he has actually done full time childcare he will have little understanding of how physically and emotionally draining it can be. I assume you have been keeping up a facade of coping ( as most women are conditioned into doing).

Good luck with your decision.

ouryve Wed 03-Jul-13 12:30:07

I think something this big needs to be discussed with your DP. While it's ultimately your decision whether or not you want to carry a baby, having a termination behind your DP's back without discussing your feelings with him can't possibly do your relationship any good.

colditz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:30:12

Yes, obviously I must have a sinister agenda hmm ...

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 03-Jul-13 12:32:05

You say: "I posted in the hope that the choice the OP makes will be for her, not for her husband, her existing child, or people who can't have any more babies and feel she should be grateful."

But it very much does have implications on her husband and her existing child.

dreamingbohemian Wed 03-Jul-13 12:34:59

In a way, by having a termination and not telling your DP you are again taking on all the responsibility for yourself and not putting any on him.

In the same way you are having to do all the childcare, you will have to bear all the emotions and physical effects of a termination, while his life continues as normal.

You need to become more "selfish", in a sense -- you should not have to deal with everyone on your own. He needs to step up. It takes two people to make a baby, he is just as responsible as you.

wannaBe Wed 03-Jul-13 12:35:06

so let me get this straight. You are pregnant, your dp knows, but you are going to have a termination and then presumably tell him you have had a miscarriage? Really?

Now, whether you have a termination or not isn't for anyone to judge really. Everyone's circumstances are different and everyone has to do what is right for them.

But to convince the father, a man you are supposed to love, that you have had a miscarriage, to let him believe his baby has died and to grieve for that loss is frankly despicable. You have to communicate with him about your feelings but you cannot simply lie to him about this. this isn't even a situation where he doesn't know you're pregnant - he does and you're going to convince him that his baby died? no. no no no no no no no no no no.

Back2Two Wed 03-Jul-13 12:35:18

Don't rush into a decision.

A termination is a relatively simple procedure. But, it is incredibly emotional as well as practical. You sound as though you are not feeling stable emotionally and you feel like a rabbit in headlights. Not a great way to make a life changing decision.

Just take a breath. A termination can't be reversed, but it can be delayed by a week or so.

TalkativeJim Wed 03-Jul-13 12:36:12

So he does nothing... A sort of learned helplessness, right?

OP, what do you think he would say if you spelled out very bluntly that you cannot continue as you are and that you WILL terminate unless he can start doing his share?

Starting for example this weekend?

He doesn't know his routine etc. is bullshit isn't it?-on his part I mean. He's so divorced from the process that he doesn't even know what's happening at home when he's THERE on the weekends. But you could very easily give him nappies, wipes, food, milk and instructions and push them out of the door for 3 -4 hours.

What would your DP's response to that be? Would be actually welcome getting more involved, especially if you've just told him you're struggling? Or would he start to complain, start finding reasons why he can't step up?

Fantaforever Wed 03-Jul-13 12:39:45

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this but please think carefully.

I was in a similar situation to you 6 years ago, struggling with a one year old, no friends, far from family. I was also living in a slum like conditions on an inner city council estate and in an extremely unhappy marriage. I was so low that I convinced myself termination was the only way. My husband even told me he hoped I miscarried. I was so low, I wanted to die.

I didn't go through with a termination. The pregnancy was hard, the first couple of years were hard but things gradually got better. I look at my son now and I'm so thankful for all the joy he's brought into my life. I simply couldn't imagine my world without him in it.

ouryve Wed 03-Jul-13 12:45:57

You say your DP doesn't know the routine at weekends. In that case, you tell him, quite plainly, what needs doing. My DH does pull his weight, but if I need the stairs vacuuming or the outside windows cleaning, I tell him, because those are jobs I physically struggle with doing myself but he doesn't notice the need. If he doesn't know what's needed from the shops, I write him a list - and get very specific if I need to about brands, sizes etc.

teenagetantrums Wed 03-Jul-13 12:49:00

I had a termination when I got pregnant and my son was only 4months old, I just knew I wouldn't be able to cope, My partner wanted the baby but when it came down to it he knew it was my choice. I felt nothing but relief when it was over. We went on to have a planned second child a few years later. Please talk to your partner, he sounds like he will understand, don't lie it will come out, lies are more likely to destroy your relationship than the termination.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Wed 03-Jul-13 12:53:46

He may be very emotional about you losing the baby naturally. How would you feel about dealing with that knowing it was a lie. It's another vote for telling him from me.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 12:54:07

Yes, TalkativeJim I think you have called it right now that the OP has posted again.

Desperatelysad Your DP sounds frankly a bit useless and self-absorbed. You're not painting him in a bad light, he's doing that himself. He gets to be a daddy but someone else does all the actual work even at weekends - and he has the nerve to tell you you're just in shock!

If it would "kill him" for you to terminate, what about the way it would "kill you" to have another baby under current circumstances? Because I totally believe you when you say you cannot deal with the prospect. You sound completely desperate about it - I would be too. Your feelings deserve equal consideration to his! It's not heartbreaking (or it shouldn't be) to tell your DP straight that you just cannot cope with the set-up you two have at the moment.

DreamingBohemian is also right to say that not telling him is you taking all the responsibility again, just like your DS has been all your responsibility. You can't do this alone. One way or another, he needs to step up and stop drifting about expecting you to solve his problems. Because his children ARE his problem, as well as yours.

SignoraStronza Wed 03-Jul-13 12:54:25

OP, I've actually discussed this possibility with dh, as live in fear and dread about having another right now, before:
a. the 1 year old is sleeping anywhere but on or next to us.
b. she's at pre school
c. I've lost a couple of stone, as even at a normal bmi I find pg really hard as get so massive and swollen with water, plus will have to be another section and not sure I've let my body recover enough.
d. We've got our love life back and plenty of practice in (with, ideally the odd night away), which realistically will only happen with a.

I'm quite ambivalent about a third but agreed to it so can't renege on my word, whereas he'd be so positive about the idea.

We agreed that, in the unlikely event I became pg right now, I'd do exactly as you're doing and not tell him. I don't think I'd regret it in the slightest, but then, thankfully I've never been in your situation. He would be spared the potential upset and I'm such a cold, hard hearted person that I'd think of an early unwanted pg as nothing more than a cluster of cells and would be unlikely to have a shred of guilt (about what?!).

Pls consider your mental health in all of this. There is no obligation to tell your dh and add his views into the mix. Yes I understand the advantages of having two close together, but look at friends who do and the whole idea of it fills me with horror.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

springytata Wed 03-Jul-13 12:55:38

What stands out to me is not the pregnancy but the terror that you will have to do this alone.

I really do appreciate you feeling overwhelmed by the past year, that you see a break in sight, but this new pg scuppers all that. If you have put on 3st in weight comfort eating, then something is fundamentally not right in your life, very probably with your family set-up. I hope that isn't stating the obvious.

It just isn't good enough that you are doing this all alone. As Jim says, plenty of people do manual jobs and also pitch in at home. It seems to me that it is facing doing all this yourself that has had you panicking.

On the one hand your partner is useless with the practicalities (and that might be something to explore - you say you 'end up' doing everything yourself - why is that?) yet you feel you must honour your partnership. From what you're saying, he's not in it. He's not pitching in and easing the heavy load of a young family.

How would you feel if you weren't doing it on your own? Would that change things? Perhaps you both need to look at the structure of your relationship - more importantly, how you are feeling snowed under by the weight of having to do everything yourself. You sound exhausted.

I do think the comment about them being 'better off without you' is telling. We often say what we really mean without realising it. If you are eating a lot to the point that you have put on 3st in weight, I assume a lot of what you are eating is crap - which can drastically affect your mood. Crap really does make you feel like crap (speaking to myself here..). Anyway, that's one thing to tackle, but it sounds like there are some fundamental things that need tackling eg the structure of your relationship.

If you told him you want a termination because you feel you simply can't cope, would he be prepared to knuckle down to see what he could do to address the way you are feeling?

MrsWolowitz Wed 03-Jul-13 12:56:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian Wed 03-Jul-13 13:05:46

Signora why on earth do you think you can't 'renege' on having another baby? of course you can say you don't want another.

maddy68 Wed 03-Jul-13 13:06:28

Message withdrawn: posted on the wrong thread

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