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Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

(278 Posts)
desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:20

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

leeloo1 Wed 03-Jul-13 08:59:12

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I felt the same after having my DS who slept badly and I did pretty much all the night wakings/care for. We'd planned to have 2 years between the DC and my DH was all gung-ho about trying for another when DS was 12/14 months and I was adamant that I just wasn't ready and wouldn't cope.

In the end I decided I was about ready to try again when DS was about 3... at which point I just couldn't get pregnant (I fell pregnant in 1 week with DS - literally), after a year of trying, then numerous tests (some very painful), I got pregnant twice then had 2 miscarriages. Really it was only losing the babies that made me realise how much I wanted one - before then I still wondered if I was ready/would cope.

Then DH had a test which showed his semen was only suitable for ICSI, (the more expensive version of IVF). We wouldn't qualify for any free tries, so suddenly I was faced with the prospect of never having a 2nd child, or needing to remortgage and spend all our savings on trying to have one, which was devastating.

Luckily for me, by some miracle I then got pregnant naturally and I'm now 28 weeks. But having faced the very real possibility of never having a 2nd child made me wish I'd tried earlier. Also, we'll now have 5.5 years between the two dc which makes me wonder what their relationship will be like - especially when all round me friends have 2 siblings close in age happily playing together. And I've had 3 years of DS sleeping through and I do wonder how I'll cope with the broken nights again! But I now feel I'm very lucky to have those as minor worries.

I'm not sure if any of this is helping, I just wondered if rather than thinking 'how will I cope?' you considered that it might be your last chance to have a baby, would you feel differently?

If not, then you don't need to go through with the pregnancy, but I do feel you should talk to your DH - tell him how desperate you're feeling and get him to support you through the termination. Its a very big secret to keep and you may be very emotional/hormonal/have regrets afterwards which you won't be able to discuss with him.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 09:01:57

OP, I completely understand your reasons for wanting a termination (think I would too in your shoes) but what is jumping out of particularly your second post is that you sound depressed. There is NO WAY your son would be "better off without you". And there is also no way it's a good idea to not tell your DP. Honestly, love, this is the depression talking. It might well be the right decision to terminate, but it's a bonkers idea not to tell him. What if you have a complication afterwards, he's not going to know what's going on.

Please get help. You have to tell your DP. Tell him it's not just "shock and panicking", you still feel the same, you are miserable about it. Tell him you are going to take steps to help yourself. Get an emergency appointment with your GP to discuss PND. Talk to Marie Stopes for a counselling appointment if you haven't already. How far along are you?

flipchart Wed 03-Jul-13 09:02:21

You have to tell him, otherwise the rest of your relationship is based on a lie.
Your relationship will just become a big sham . He has a right to the information that you are about to abort his potential child.

leeloo1 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:06:16

Took ages to post and cross posted with you OP. If DH is adamant he wants the second child now, then can you insist he provides more practical help?

e.g. I can't cope you will need to bath DS on Mon and Weds, do the laundry on Saturday and hoover whole house on Sunday.

He needs to prove his support, not just tell you that you'll be fine.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 09:08:01

Respectfully, I suggest other posters refrain from referring to loaded terms and phrases like "you might regret it", "what if you could never have another" etc. That is likely to make the OP freeze up further. Depressive thinking is extreme enough without being offered more catastrophic possibilities to chew over.

AgathaF Wed 03-Jul-13 09:08:25

I wonder if you have PND. Could you go and talk to your GP?

TalkativeJim Wed 03-Jul-13 09:09:27

'he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time'

'dp would come and help occassionally at first...'

So he's left you to it, basically?

I understand what you're saying about his shifts and being in a manual labour job which leaves you physically tired... but - um - that's exactly what YOU have been doing since the baby was born too, essentially.

YOU work long (by the looks of it, completely back-to-back) shifts in a job which leaves you physically EXHAUSTED (because although you may not be carting bricks around or whatever, you don't sleep, which puts completely in the shade any job which is hard going but at the end of which you can REST AND SLEEP).

So - when both of you tired manual workers are home at the weekend, or when it's a night where your DP doesn't have work the next day, does he take on the night waking so you get at least ONE night of sleep to catch up? I'm guessing not. Does he take your son out for the day/afternoon?

Does he do ANY of the other shitwork - washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning? I'm guessing little.

No matter what job he does, this is not good, and he is not taking on the responsibiliy he should as a parent, and this is why you feel the way you do. So no judgement here, I'm afraid, but a lot of anger on your behalf, as I can sympathise with the situation you find yourself in. And the fact that it's highly unlikely you're going to be able to change your status quo to the extent that the division of REAL labour in your lives becomes fairer and lets you believe that 2 is manageable. Why do I say that? This:

'i did tell him i wouldnt be able to cope with 2, i explained everything to him but he said i was just panicking and in shock.'

How bloody complacent. Easy for him, eh?

Do you think you will be able to tell him what you have told us - and tell him that you will not be able to go ahead with this pregnancy unless things change? - that he takes on some REAL responsibility with the new baby, and your DS?

What would he say?

What would he do?

Would he say whatever it took, then when it's too late (when the baby is here) you'd be back where you are?

To those saying the deceit would destroy your relationship - that's quite likely. You need to think very, very hard. But it's no less likely that going ahead would also destroy both your relationship and your sanity, and this time with two children to consider.

Does he have the right to a say? Technically no, and also I'd say even less of a right given that he has proven that he considers all the work of childrearing to be your problem and your problem alone.

The point is you shouldn't have to ASK. A loving partner and a good dad SEES when you are knackered, when you NEED a night's sleep, and pitches in. They take the baby as they walk in the door so you can get away for an hour - lie down, whatever. They sort out washing or cooking or do a shop on the way home because they know this makes a massive difference to you and doesn't cost them.

I have to say - I don't know what job your DP does, but part of my attitude here is coloured by the fact that I worked on building sites for years. And I can assure you, the guys working on the plant, doing demolition/ pile driving/ whatever, are NOT spending the day bathed in sweat. Far from it...

Bonsoir Wed 03-Jul-13 09:09:36

It's absolutely fine to terminate your pregnancy and not tell your DP, providing you are going to be able to keep the secret forever.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 09:14:19

I don't know if this will help or not but just wanted to tell you about our situation. Its not to help you make a decision, that has to be up to you. We have three DCS, 4, 2 and 11 months. We have no support as mum has cancer and mum in law has dementia, so totally get how you feel when friends talk about dropping kids of at family to get time on their own. DS2 was only 9 months when found out DD was on her way. Was totally in shock as had fertility treatment for the first two. I was terrified about how I would cope but it was the emotional support of DP that got me through, he would support me with whatever I decided. So here we are with our broad and yes it's hard work but because they are all so close in age they all play together. I actually find it easier than when I had just one as I was there only source of entertainment. They all entertain each other. The eldest starts school after the summer, the middle one goes to nursery x2 a week and the wee one will start nursery in a year. We go to a toddler group twice a week so I have adult contact and also play dates when the parent comes as well so we can have a natter and a coffee as well. These are all people I know through meeting at toddlers and nursery as I knew I needed adult company and all the parents I know feel the same. Without the adult company I would be feeling very isolated. DP had the same working hours as your DP through the first few years but managed to get a job closer to home when I was expecting DD and this has made a huge difference.
This is just a snap shot of our situation but it works. Tell your DP how you feel, what you are planning etc, you need him. Start getting out and about and meet other parents to get some adult conversation. As for bed time its like a little army barracks here, dinner, bath and everyone to bed by 7 even the baby. We need our time on our own to recharge the batteries.
Good luck op in whatever you decide but tell your DP.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 09:15:15

Brood not broad

Branleuse Wed 03-Jul-13 09:16:07

just tell him that youre sorry but you just cant physically or mentally continue with this pregnancy. That you really hope he can support you but its just not possible in the current circumstances.

flipchart Wed 03-Jul-13 09:17:37

MassiveBusLady, no it is not ok for you to request that from other posters tbh.

Rushing in to a termination is not a quick resolve solution. Things can go wrong, things need to be considered.

If the OP has had time to rationally think of things, think about the rest of her life with her partner and have that hanging over her then fine.
However she wants to possibly pretend she has had a miscarriage. That would be so wrong. Her DP may be offering her support and upset at losing their baby when it is a big fat lie. The OP would have gone and deliberately terminated the pregnancy and then lie and pretend it was natural causes. How can that be righting relationship with someone she loves?

A miscarriage and abortion are poles apart.

TheMoonOnAStick Wed 03-Jul-13 09:19:46

Some good advice on here. You sound worn out with the worry of all this. I really feel for yousad

You are not an awful person for needing to do this for the reasons you give. I think you do need some support and someone to talk to though. I would also urge you to chat with your GP.

hatsybatsy Wed 03-Jul-13 09:19:52

Do you like and trust your gp? I would start there with a chat about how you feel. You have plenty of time for counselling.

I would also try talking to your dp again. He doesn't sound at all aware how you feel. Maybe one evening when he's not working? over a glass of wine?

And then? Well IMO that's your decision. You can have a termination and not tell him - it is your decision.

Take care of yourself.

MadBusLady Wed 03-Jul-13 09:24:09

flipchart I think you have missed my point.

In my first post I said that the decision to not tell him is absolutely nonsensical and wrong, and it's the depression talking. I said she must seek help urgently, and first port of call is him and then the GP. I don't know, from here, what should happen on Friday, but I think she urgently needs more input from professionals. So basically we seem to agree there.

What I consider unhelpful (and note I "suggested", I did not "request") is waving a load of "bogeymen" possibilities in her face to do with regret, her future family etc which is likely to paralyse her further. She is clearly in no state to consider such huge themes. Depression does not put you in a rational place.

libertine73 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:28:06

Oh love, I sympathise, I really do. But honestly, how do you know your DP was not just trying to be supportive? I mean he may think you would never consider a termination, so just said 'all the right things' to reassure you it would all be OK.

Please give him the chance to be supportive of your (very sensible under the circumstances) decision. It's you that will be raising 2 under 2, and you know you can't do it.

I think he may surprise you.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 03-Jul-13 09:29:53

Sorry meant to say as well get to the GP for some support as well as you sound really low just now. Our GP is really supportive whenever we attend for anything as they know how hard it is coping with young children. Wishing you all the best op.

brokenhearted55 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:30:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theyoniwayisnorthwards Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:18

OP please go and see your GP, the decision to terminate will have emotional consequences for you and you will need support from your partner. What you are suggesting, hiding it from him for the rest of your lives, sounds like a recipe for stress and unhappiness.

Whilst I firmly believe your body, your choice, you are a family and he needs to know what you are going through and how you came to your decision.

From your posts it doesn't sound to me like you are thinking clearly, you sound panicked and depressed. You are not a bitch, you are not horrible, you need to be listened to and given support.

libertine73 Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:42

It would make a difference to her broken or she may decide she doesn't want another, point is she doesn't want one now

flipchart Wed 03-Jul-13 09:31:50

Do you have to have the termination on Friday?

Have you got a bit of time left to get counselling and get support from your DP?

An abortion might end up being the right thing for you and your family but I would hate you to rush into it alone, with no support thinking it was the only option and regret it later.

The early years can be horrendous and seem to never end. I remember curling up on the settee crying my heart out because DS1 had been crying none stop for days. I wanted to abandone him! DH was out of the house from 7.30 until 8.00pm trying. To save his business, which ultimately failed, leaving me with a husband spiralling into depression and a non stop crying baby and over £100,000 of debt. ( Yes that much!). and no one to help. No family, friends working

Bad times. I can understand some of your stress.

Please talk to some first as well ads your DP.

TalkativeJim Wed 03-Jul-13 09:33:52

MadBusLady, the decision not to tell him may indeed be what you and many others consider deeply wrong - it is certainly a tragic and possibly very damaging thing to do, but from what the OP has posted it is NOT nonsensical, sadly.

Hopefully the OP will give more information on the situation at home, but it sounds as if she is at breaking point - serious breaking point, where she is considering termination - partly because her DP is not pulling his weight. A good partner who sees his DP struggling RARELY fails to help through sheer ignorance. If she is faced with the choice of

a. Telling her DP to help more or she will not be able to cope - he sympathises, makes promises - she has the baby - things quickly slip back to the norm = she has a breakdown and they split acrimoniously, or;

b. Telling her DP that she cannot do this again and she is terminating = they split acrimoniously,

...then unfortunately, pretending she has miscarried so that their family stays together, with the collateral damage being the unseen damage to their relationship and the guilt which she carries alone - then I can see the logic of her (awful) decision.

It's clear to me that ths situation has arisen because SHE GETS NO HELP. I think that finding out more about her DP's attitude and trying to see if helping her change the situation at home can work is possibly the best way of helping the OP right now.

Phineyj Wed 03-Jul-13 09:43:07

OP you could call the Samaritans for someone to talk to immediately?

maltravers Wed 03-Jul-13 09:59:19

Can you afford a mothers help for a couple of mornings a week to buy a bit of "me time" while you take abit of time to consider whether to continue this pregnancy? Tell your Dp why this is an absolute necessity perhaps as a way of broaching the possible termination. Fwiw I have twins and now they are a bit older i reckon they are easier than a single child as they play together. Go and see your Gp too.

boomoohoo Wed 03-Jul-13 10:00:53

Op I had to post - you are so so far from bring a bitch. You sound incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted by motherhood, something I and many others can identify with. You are effectively a single mother, you could end up having 2 under 2, doing it mostly on your own. I know I could never have done that and you should not feel ashamed for not wanting that. I had Pnd, I'm not sure if you do but you sound down, you need to see your gp. And I really hope u can be honest with your dp about how u feel and that he puts no pressure on you to go forward with this pregnancy. If he was truly supportive he would want what is best for u. X

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