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terminating because family feels 'complete'?

(28 Posts)
whatdidInamechangeto Wed 05-Jun-13 09:18:49

I need a little perspective. I am 37, have two DC's 5 and 3 yo, and unexpectedly pregnant - about 6w I think, but v dodgy cycle. I've been increasingly coming to the conclusion over the last few months that two is enough kids for me, although we always talked about maybe a third. I'm coming out of a very difficult period with work which was messing with my head a lot, and I was looking forward to being 'me' again and doing things for myself and with the kids and DH as they grow up. The thought of going back nappies, night wakings, SPD fills me with dread. And yet I haven't thrown any of the baby stuff out, 'just in case'. We have a stable home, financially okay, we could give a baby a good life. So why does this feel so dreadful? I have been thinking about terminating, and am trying to work out if I can bring myself to do that.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 05-Jun-13 10:02:19

You need counselling. Call Marie Stopes OP and be kind to yourself brew

whatdidInamechangeto Wed 05-Jun-13 10:59:11

I just went and cried on my GP, and have a referral form for Marie Stopes. I guess I'll go and talk it through... Talking was hard, it's all been in my head or just talking with DH until now.

Owllady Wed 05-Jun-13 11:06:10

I am a bit reluctant to post this as I had an unplanned third, two other children just off to school, went back to uni etc and then found out I was pregnant and felt like you but decided it was early days and what will be will be. I was a complete headcase tbh (which isn't what you want to hear) but keeping him was the best decision for me and I really think he was meant to be here - which I know some people may find sentimental. I just didn't think i could live with a termination when we were happily married and stable and I felt as an adult I had to take the responsibility of being pregnant on the chin and just get on with it and see what happened.

It's entirely up to you though. I presume you have only just found out and are in shock. Let it sink in and see how you feel. What does your partner think?

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 11:06:40

There is nothing wrong with terminating if you don't want to proceed, don't let society/religion guilt you into a further child if you don't want one.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 05-Jun-13 11:09:13

What owllady said!

I have two children, both unplanned - both at really awkward stages in my life - its nothing about letting society/religeon guilt you, you are pregnant, whats done is done. Congratulations xx

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 11:20:43

whats done is done??? Do you feel the same about the Morning After Pill?

No, the OP has option and she can choose whatever option she wants free from guilt.

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 11:21:01


whatdidInamechangeto Wed 05-Jun-13 11:22:39

Thanks for the sentiment, but am really not after congratulations at this point. Useful experiences of difficult decisions which anyone feels able to share more what I need here, pretty please.

whatdidInamechangeto Wed 05-Jun-13 11:25:57

x-post with Molly.

Mollydoggerson Wed 05-Jun-13 11:28:11

I had a termination at 19. It was the best decision for me at the time, I have never regretted it.

I went to Marie Stopes. I would advise anyone choosing this option to go earlier rather than later. I think I was 11 weeks at the time. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it was fine.

All over in maybe 20 minutes or so.

ariane5 Wed 05-Jun-13 11:32:32

When I was first pregnant with dd2 (my third) I was devastated, I also had hg and felt I really could not carry on.

I even had an appt but I cancelled it on the day. I was ill for months and terrified. I think the hg made things seem worse than they were and up untill the day I had her I felt uneasy.
Dd2 has been an absolute joy. She was a perfect baby and slept loads and never ever cried I was so lucky. Ds1 had been a nightmare screamer and I was petrified it would be the same.

I would second the counselling. You need to talk it through and decide what is best for you and your family.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 05-Jun-13 11:35:23

Caitlin Moran writes about this in great detail in her book "How to be a woman". You do have options, I would take the counselling and discuss it with a sympathetic and informed listener.

Best of luck with your decision.

Owllady Wed 05-Jun-13 11:36:00

I think I was in denial for the whole pregnancy tbh. I don't know if people always feel like that about unplanned ones. I felt I wouldn't bond and allsorts of things. It was all fine but I agree with ariane, if you can get counselling I would go for it. I didn't need it as i was so heavily in denial that I was pregnancy in the first place confused

I hope my post didn't offend you, it really wasn't my intention. I am not religious either but I think i do know my own limitations, and you will know yours.

Owllady Wed 05-Jun-13 11:36:37

pregnant tsk!

whatdidInamechangeto Wed 05-Jun-13 11:38:10

Thanks, Owllady, no offence taken. Genuinely, I'm in need of experiences both ways here. Insights, if you like.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 05-Jun-13 11:38:46

Sorry, I should have said that Caitlin Moran writes about her decision to terminate an unexpected pregnancy when she has two children already.

ariane5 Wed 05-Jun-13 11:45:30

I have also been on the other side of things but it was my first when I was 18 and I am not sure it would be helpful of me to go into it too much.

From a practical point of view it was over quickly I was home mid afternoon with very little pain.
Other aspects were harder to come to terms with but like I said I had not been pg before and I think it is worlds apart being a pg 18yr old with no dcs to being older with dcs and wondering if your family is already complete. I think complicating it with my emotional issues would be wrong I just wanted you to know I have been there twice and made both choices.

CinnabarRed Wed 05-Jun-13 11:47:16

Hi OP. I was in a very similar position to you in January/February 2011, and if you search in Relationships I'm sure you'll find it (it was called something like I don't want this baby, and the last post on it would have been months later - perhaps September 2011). I'm on my phone or I'd link it for you.

Anyway, I got loads of fantastic advice, and I'd suggest it's worth a read. We ended up deciding to keep DS3, but don't feel that would put any pressure on you from reading the thread.

The people who did pressure me were the counselling service I saw, who were very, very pro abortion. I don't have experience of Marie Stopes, have heard that they're good - hopefully they'll be impartial for you.

Very best wishes. (((OP)))

Shellywelly1973 Wed 05-Jun-13 11:48:24

I am currently pregnant with my 6dc.
I have 2 grown up children. My first dc was terrible timing...literally hideous situation to end up in but i wanted dc from the moment i knew i was having him. I adored him...still do 24 years later.

When i found out i was expecting dc2 i was horrified. I went to my GP twice to ask for a termination but couldn't say the words. I hoped i would miscarry & ignored the pregnancy. I didn't bond with the baby. I was indifferent to her. I cared for her but nothing more. I didn't fall in love with her at any point. She's 21 now. I know at some level she knows something but i have never spoken to anyone about how i feel about Dd.

I often think if i had been brave enough to speak to someone i would have saved myself years of self loathing, depression & guilt. I didn't have a termination as it was easier at the time to continue with the pregnancy. I wasn't able to think long term duty to my age, anxiety & lack of information.

You & your dh need to talk, take counselling, anything &everything you need to reach a decision YOU are happy with.

Your in a hard place. Take care. Good luck with whatever you chose.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 05-Jun-13 11:52:02

I'm sorry if my congratulations appeared trite, it wasn't meant to be - i got the impression you wanted to keep the baby but were having doubts. The reason i say this is because of what you wrote - you wrote that you have discussed the possibility of a third, that you have kept the baby things (just in case? i kept mine after DD2 but there will definately be no more babies for me, just sentimental reasons) and like me, you didn't have contraception in place. This tells me you hadn't ruled out another child.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 05-Jun-13 11:58:15

Similar experience to owllady. We had two DS aged 3 and 9 months, we had fertility treatment to have them. Family complete, things getting easier and had just returned to work when discovered I was pregnant. Huge surprise as we had done this on our own. I was in shock and petrified, never experienced a sense of dread like it in my life. Also 39 at the time and baby due after I turned 40. Kept thinking it would ruin DS2 s childhood as he was still a baby himself and just didn't know what to do. Didn't get counselling as such but got amazing support from my midwife who I told all my fears to, she was fantastic. DH was a rock and I have now so much more love and respect for this amazing man in getting me through this( always did but even more now). He was so calm and level headed throughout. I was a complete wreck for months but now here we are with DD aged 10 months, and do you know it was the best decision in our lives to keep going. She is a joy and her big brothers adore her, especially DS2.
Its a really hard time for you just now op but only you can make that decision. Do what's right for you. The very best of luck to you.

juneau Wed 05-Jun-13 12:13:06

Only you can decide if you 'can' terminate and, hopefully, counselling will help you to reach a conclusion about that. I don't think you should feel bad though or like you need anyone else's permission or blessing. This is your body, your family, your choice. I've never wanted a third and my nightmare is being in the position you're in, because I wouldn't want to terminate, but I think ultimately that would be what I would probably do, because I really don't think I could cope with any more. I'm not sure my marriage would survive a third child either, as DH and I have struggled a lot with the limitations that babies/DC have placed on our lives and we both feel as it's we're finally emerging, blinking, into a slightly less sleep-deprived and self-sacrificing stage of life that we've been looking forward to for six years. Don't beat yourself if you want to terminate - and ignore the 'congratulations' posts - they're totally inappropriate.

Chigley1 Wed 05-Jun-13 12:21:23

I have thought about this before and know that I would terminate if I fell pregnant again. I have 2 children at school, am over 40 with knackered pelvic floor and absolutely could not affort another child. They all sound (they are?) selfish reasons I guess but that's it. This decision is based on the assumption that I would know I was pregnant early on.
Get some counselling and take care x

specialsubject Wed 05-Jun-13 12:26:37

every child a wanted child. If you do not want this child, terminate the pregnancy.

it's not selfish - selfish is having an unwanted baby.

good luck with whatever you decide.

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