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terrible decision

(23 Posts)
worstdecisionofmylife Mon 12-Nov-12 17:54:45

I am so sorry if this is insensitive to anyone on this thread, I just don't know where else to turn.

I am 42. 2 DCs, aged 6 and 5. I have just found out I am pregnant, possibly up to 12 weeks (v irregular cycle, condom failure probably, carelessness).

I feel sick with fear. I face the worst decision of my life. To have a third child would mean giving up a hard-fought for career, a lot of financial sacrifice for our family, and probable unhappiness on my part (was deeply unhappy as a sahm). We could not give our existing dcs what we had hoped to, and we would have to go back to a stage which quite honestly both DH and I are glad to have moved on from. The risks of abnormalities are higher, and I will be in my seventies when this child would be approaching 30. But... the thought of termination is anguishing.

I have told dh but no-one else; he says we will work through it together, but I know that he does not want a third (is 46 and has v demanding job). I also know I need to see my gp but am away on a work trip curerntly.

Does anyone know where I can get some confidential advice? I rang bpas but was crying at the time and could hardly speak, plus they wanted all sorts of details to book an appointment which i could not face giving. Sorry again to anyone this offends, I know there are many with more awful dilemmas than this.

lljkk Mon 12-Nov-12 18:05:51

Where do you live? first 3-4 letters postcode.

ZuleikaD Mon 12-Nov-12 18:11:51

There are possibilities other than termination. I'm 42 and pregnant and there are no abnormalities so it's by no means inevitable that a later pregnancy is unhealthy. If you were prepared to consider giving up for adoption then you could make a childless couple very happy. Just another option.

NoTeaForMe Mon 12-Nov-12 18:21:53

As you have no idea how far along you are I would have thought the first thing you need to do is get a scan. You could only be a few weeks or you could be quite far along...maybe that will make your decision easier/harder buy you need to know!

Good luck with your decision.

Fluffyfish Mon 12-Nov-12 18:30:15

Your poor thing. What a shock. Many many abortions are because people have completed their family and you have to think what is best for you and your existing family as well as thinking about the potential new baby. Think also whether your successful careers could help you make things easier eg by hiring a nanny to help.

You have time so take a few days, book a gp appt and scan and then decode with dh what you actually want to do. Whatever
you decide will be right for you and nobody else's business other than yours.
Take care x

Quodlibet Mon 12-Nov-12 18:31:36

OP, the counselling sessions that Marie stopes offer might be just what you need. I supported someone close to me through an unplanned pregnancy and they found the service really helpful. I do appreciate what a horrible situation you find yourself in - all options currently seem hideous to contemplate. However, you may find that once the shock wears off one option or the other seems like it is becoming the clear and obvious choice. As others have said it's important to get yourself in the system and get dated so you have a real idea about what your options are. The best of luck to you whatever you decide.

ledkr Mon 12-Nov-12 18:33:27

Op it happened to me too at 43 with 4 dc already I really didn't want another baby and spent hours led awake agonising over it one of my fears was being older increased the chances of a disability which I felt I could t cope with but also felt that termination was not something that I personally could cope with.
For me having a load of private tests helped me decide to go ahead and needless to say I adore dd but she's caused me the sacrifices I knew she would,career,social life, financial and of course sleep and lie ins.
Sending you lots of love and strength get lots of help to make your decision and deal with it because its not an easy one.
I'm sure

ledkr Mon 12-Nov-12 18:38:26

Op I actually thought one hundred percent my baby would be disabled. If you want details of the dr I saw pm me he was amazing and so reassuring it helped me concentrate on the other reasons for not wanting a baby. It's not easy starting again but I do think for me it was the best option as I'm too emotionally unstable to terminate.
I have supported friends for whom the decision was totally right for them too. It's a very individual thing.

philbee Mon 12-Nov-12 18:42:24

Marie Stopes? I can't work out from their website whether their number is just for making appointments or whether they'll talk things through with you. tel: 0845 300 8090

I really feel for you. We always wanted two but had problems the second time round and have done a lot of thinking and talking about whether we wanted to go back to the early days again after such a long break, whether we have the money etc. It must be a very hard decision for you, but those things are really important. I hope you can get some advice soon.

philbee Mon 12-Nov-12 18:43:43

Woops, cross posted, sorry.

worstdecisionofmylife Mon 12-Nov-12 19:59:35

thankyou for kind words and support, it helps. will try marie stops. can't stop crying.

Quodlibet Wed 14-Nov-12 07:51:52

OP how are you doing? Hope that you are feeling your way towards some sort of clarity.

worstdecisionofmylife Wed 14-Nov-12 21:34:19

thanks for thinking of me. Things have sort of clarified in a horrible way in that think I am having a miscarriage.Am overseas at the moment on work trip so trying to find way through medical system. It is awful but somehow less horrific than the decision i thought I faced, not sure why.

Quodlibet Wed 14-Nov-12 23:52:08

Oh poor you. How horrible to be away from family too. I can understand your feeling that it is somehow easier to have your body make a decision for you, however awful and sad the consequences. There are some things we can control and some things we just can't. Sending support your way.

TodaysAGoodDay Thu 15-Nov-12 00:19:12

Oh dear OP, I am so sorry that you are having this to deal with. Unfortunately, or even maybe fortunately, when you are pregnant and under severe stress or fear your body will decide it's best to miscarry. I know, it happened to me. The complete Fear (and yes, that does come with a capital letter) of what would happen is enough to induce contractions and cause a miscarriage. It's the body's way of dealing with things in time of stress. Please do not feel bad if that is what is happening, there are a few of us that have been there and understand what you're going through. I do hope you are not alone in this, and there are people around that you can talk to. I'm thinking of you.

ledkr Thu 15-Nov-12 08:11:50

Thinking of you x

Erebus Thu 15-Nov-12 08:20:37

How are you today, worstdecision?

Thinking about you!

Svrider Thu 15-Nov-12 08:24:53

Hi op
Allow yourself to be sad
Give yourself time
All the best

worstdecisionofmylife Sun 18-Nov-12 06:59:16

Thank you all, for being so kind while I was terribly alone and frightened. Am now back in the uk, and going on Monday to get into the medical system here. Am pretty sure it's been a miscarriage. Your encouragement and kindness kept me sane.

One thing though. I learned from those days when I knew I was pregnant, that I don't think I could have gone through with a termination. I am very pro-choice, but even so. DH says the same. God knows how, but I think we would probably have tried to make it work.

Anyway, next stop the GP and a vasectomy for DH! Thank you again, and hoping no-one on here faces this sort of dilemma, for their own sanity.

ledkr Sun 18-Nov-12 07:45:03

I'm glad you are ok. It's a very confusing time and a mc isn't an easy thing to go through even if its for the best. Don't underestimate your feelings over the next few weeks. Those hormones can do funny things and you have still suffered a shock and loss.
Take Care

specialsubject Fri 23-Nov-12 17:41:13

pro-choice means exactly that - you choose, and no-one else judges or chooses for you. Good for you.

I wish you better times and good luck.

VioletElizabethBott Sun 25-Nov-12 16:48:58

I'm glad you're OK too. If it helps anyone there's a section of Caitlin Moran's otherwise very light and irreverent book How to be a Woman where she talks about having a termination after having had two daughters with her husband. She did it for similar concerns about the impact a third child would have on her family.

fromparistoberlin Thu 29-Nov-12 14:38:37

aw, I never thought I would type this, but I am pleased the situation kind of resolved itself

and FWIW I would be 10000% the same if I got into your situation


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