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just had a confirmation for downs syndrome

(78 Posts)
fire77 Wed 22-Aug-12 04:23:26

Dear all
i just wanted some advice or maybe just for someone to listen and not judge. Having been for a CVS after being given a greater then 1:2 odds for T21 i had this confirmed this afternoon. This is my first pregnancy and i am 34 (35 in dec). I feel numb and tortured because i know i am going to go ahead with a termination of a very much wanted child but only because i dont feel strong enough to cope with a child with downs syndrome. To say i feel wretched is an understatement. My thoughts flit from one minute thinking its the right thing to do to then thinking i have been blessed with a much wanted pregnancy only to terminate it because this baby isnt good enough. In my heart of hearts i know i am doing the right thing but i am struggling to cope. I feel at almost 35 i will be much older and the likelihood of having another child after this that is healthy and not affected with T21 is higher. I am also scared of going through a termination ( i am 14 weeks and thought the CVS was bad enough).
Please could anyone out there offer me any advice or comfort as i feel i have no one to talk to?

Adviceinscotland Mon 27-Aug-12 14:17:05

Fire77- I went through the same thing as you last December, I was also 14 weeks.

I won't lie, it's the toughest thing I have gone through and I hope you have some good support around you.

I did have to go through the delivery of the baby but it was really not as bad as expected (thanks to a great midwife)

Have not read the full thread (still find it very painful) but have you been given any choices about having a service for the baby once he/she is born?

I found that really helped me and I keep the babies ashes beside my bed, we may have chose to end the pregnancy but the baby will always be part of my life.

Pm me if you want to ask anything or need someone to talk to


hiphoppotamus Tue 28-Aug-12 21:07:38

Fire77 I'm so sorry your going thorough this terrible experience. I had a termination after my ds1 was diagnosed with patau's at my 20 week scan. It was a heartbreaking decision but the right one. I found arc very helpful and had a few months of counselling to. Please take care of yourself it's such a hard thing to go thorough. Just to end on a positive note I now have a healthy 2 year old ds

HeartOfDixie Sat 01-Sep-12 20:06:26

Hello. Adding to this thread a bit later on than the others, so apologies for that. I had the same diagnosis on my second child about four years ago, Downs and Patau. I had very similar feelings as you but knew always as a deep level it was the right descision for me and my family. At the time my DD was 4.

I had the support of a fantastic midwife who helped me through the times, from making my descision to checking in on my after I had the termination. I was 14 weeks and had an induction. if you want more details about that than pm me.

it was hard afterwards, I can't sugar coat that. I had to grieve for the child I was never going to had, to meet and so on. but with the support of my close friends and allowing myself to grieve I got through it. I did feel guilty but soon realised for me the termination was ok and the feeling that it was right for me never left and got me through it.

at my hospital we had the option of the baby being buried / cremated and I attended the service at the crematorium. I'm not religious but the service really helped me as I got to say goodbye. I went alone as I did feel as I was carrying the child it was more my story, event, time to grieve than my DH. this service really really helped and I would strongly advice you doing something of the same nature, write a letter, let a ballon go free or simply look at the sky and say what you need to.

for me, but of course everyone is different, I thought about my baby that I never had (this is what I call him/her in my head - I didnot want to know the sex) everyday nearly for a year, it became easier and less painful and more wistful. 4 years on I still think about him/her but only when I am reminded or come across my scan pictures etc. I will add that I may think more about it than others as I was unable to have any more children due to fertility issues with my DH.

apologies for the lengthy post and the loss of capital letters. in essence, my inner voice that told me it was right for me meant I could have the termination and deal with the resulting emotions. It sounds like you have that too, so listen to yourself as you know best.

take care of yourself and feel free to pm message me, always happy to talk and more importantly, listen.

lots of love

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