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Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 4

(792 Posts)
NatzCNL Sun 12-Feb-12 20:26:03

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to concieve after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope. Here they are, our thread babies, and may the list continue to grow:

Mishtabel - Bella 22/01/10
Linspins – Franklin 22/01/10
Shangrila – baby boy 01/02/10
Can'tdothisagain – Babycan't 12/04/10
Katerina100 – baby boy 06/10
NumptyMum - Josie 28/06/10
Allstarsprincess – Frank 30/07/10
Katiecubs - Felix 13/08/10
GinaFB – Alexander 03/01/11
LittlePoot - Jacob 02/02/11
Coffeeandchocolate – Coffeebean 22/02/11
Rushingrachel – Oliver 02/03/11
Crazycatlady - Lawrence 08/03/11
Dramamama - Isabella 13/03/11
VivClicquot - Phoebe 28/04/11
Lisbeth Salander - baby boy 7/11
Stormbird – George 24/07/11
Sarahmia – baby girl 25/07/11
Eavers – Jacob 11/08/11
Grandj – Eliot 01/09/11
Babylily – Miles 05/09/11
NatzCNL - Sienna 26/09/11
Manitz - Sacha 28/09/11
Cherrybug – Kade 02/11/11
Ghislaine - Charles 14/01/12
Mrsbigz - Callum 19/01/12
MyangelAva - Isabella 21/1/12
Bezzyk - Minibez II 2/2/12

manitz Fri 20-Apr-12 21:37:29

hi natz congrats on the wedding. mimsy it's nice to hear from you though I am also sorry that you were unable to work things out. I was wondering how you are and I'm glad you got to go home.
Cherrybug, I don;t know what's wrong with you but when i had ds I also found a lump on my neck and it took a year to sort out. it was a huge single nodule on my thyroid - i was absolutely paranoid the whole year and it was horrific. I think it's even worse when you have all the hormones flooding your system too. I hope you get some answers soon.

Kittens good luck with the next cycle.
All well here and am really busy. sacha is weaning and really strengthening up. x

mrsbigz Mon 30-Apr-12 23:45:36


just a quick visit from me i'm afraid - always seem to have a babe on my boob and i'm not too good at writing one-handed!!!

Hi Mrs Natz, congrats on your wedding - glad you had a wonderful day and are enjoying married life

Cherry, sorry to hear you've had a health scare, i hope that it is resolved soon and you can stop worrying, and that Kade starts giving you some sleep time!!

Flower - SO happy for you that everythings going well with your pregnancy - your 20wk scan will be here in no time?! glad the sickness is fading now and hope you're enjoying the new pregnant you xxxxx

Kittens, hope you're doing ok and this cycle works out for you x

waves to everyone else smile

just wanted to let you all know something - remember Callum was diagnosed with a CCAM while in utero (picked up at the 20wk scan) - well he had a CT scan in Oxford last month, and we had the results through last week and there was NOTHING to be seen on the scan at all!?!!! Consultant said it was one of those cases where the condition just rights itself. In fact had he be born at term it would have probably not have been seen at all - but because he was early they were chest x-raying him every couple of days. So that's a huge relief (though if you heard him when he cried you'd know there's not much wrong with his lungs haha!)
he's now 15wks old (though 6weeks adjusted) and we're just starting to get the first smiles.....aaaaarrrrrrr!!! x

Coffeeandchocolate Wed 09-May-12 20:13:39

Fabulous news mrsbigz, gosh you must be so relieved. I am so happy to hear that, you certainly deserve some good news after what you've been through.

Congratulations Natz, although you must already feel very married by now... I am bit behind with my personals. Mimsy, I am sorry things didn't work out, I hope you have lots of support in RL. Same for you Cherry, I hope you are well suported and that things are ok now?

As for us, my little Coffeeboy is 15 months, walking and "chatting" all day. As usual, sorry for lack of personals, I've had very little time to come in here lately. I wish we could meet up again though, that would be so lovely! Sending lots and lots of positive vibes to Kittens. I wonder how our founding members are - Cantdo, Mishta, Numpty, a big wave to you all!

Cantdothisagain Fri 11-May-12 22:03:47

Hi all

It's so quiet here. And I keep forgetting to check in. I guess it's a good sign if people don't need to talk/have support. But I do think of you all.. Great news, Mrs Bigz. And how can Coffeebean be a toddler already? No longer a baby...

Babycan't is 2 now. How can that be? And do you know, I missed the third anniversary of the due date of my first lost baby last week. I just forgot. Which feels weird, too. But good, too, I guess. I am trying not to feel guilty, as that would be, well, pointless, really. I feel I have moved on - I'm not, in my own eyes, someone who has lost two babies - even though I have - the lost babies have turned me into who I am now, the parent I am now, for better or for worse.

I would love to hear everyone's news. Much love to you all.

Coffeeandchocolate Sun 13-May-12 12:15:53

Wow, Cantdo, Babycant is 2... although Toddlercant is more appropriate now. I am asking myself the same question, how can that be? I am sometimes looking at Coffeebean (but a bean he is not) and asking myself when he did grow into this funny little boy?!

I don't know if you remember but I also forgot Silvia's due date last year... I did feel awfully guilty, but at the same time it must be because this date is not as significant, for me, as the date she was born. And I feel that I have moved on, but as you say her loss is now part of who I am. At the same time, I want a second DC (eventually!) and I still have some anxiety inside.

Anyway, I'll cross this bridge when I come to it. I just wanted to say hello, really, and it's good to hear from you.xxxx

cherrybug Mon 14-May-12 10:44:40

Hi folks,

Funny how quiet this thread is at the moment. I quite often check but never seem to have enough time to actually post.

Cherrybaby doing grand but not taking to the solids at all. It's a real surprise as he seems so interested in watching us eat and so I really thought he'd be ready. DD took to solids no bother but he's a different story. Just doesnt seem to want to eat. I was hoping once he started solids he'd sleep a bit better so it's frustrating! Still feeding him at least 3 times during the night and the little monkey wont sleep in his cot. I looked back at DD's baby book and she first slept through at 10 weeks! Just shows how different they all are. Anyway not too stressed about it but hope he'll get his appetite for food soon. Makes life much easier when you can placate them with a rice cake!

Health wise I'm still waiting to see specialist. But trying not to worry too much.

Flower - hope all good with you and you're enjoying your pregnancy. What is your due date?

Ghislaine, Mrs Bigz, Manitz, Babylily, Grandj, Myangelava - if you're reading, hope you and your babies are well. MrsBigz - great news about your little one.

Kittens - hope 2012 is improving for you and you're doing ok?

Coffee/Can't - I forgot Leilas due date this year too. It passed me by. I dont feel it's a significant date for me really and feel much more emotional about the day she was born. Again though it feels less painful and more manageable now, though like you is a part of me. I'll never forget her and carry her with me. Coffee, I can understand the anxiety about doing it all again. Once you've been through that, pregnancy loses its innocent optimism. Perhaps next time though, once over the scan hurdles, you'll truly be able to relax and believe all will be well.

Natz - hope you're enjoying married life! I'm faffing about not really doing anything about the wedding and really need to get a move on. My task this week is to contact some dressmakers about the dress. I'm back to work in June so will have even less time to get things done!

Love to all

ghislaine Tue 15-May-12 20:54:22

I've been holding back posting this, especially when it sounds like people are moving on.

I feel like I'm going backwards a bit. I found pregnancy not too bad mentally (apart from the obvious fears of something going wrong, right up until the last minute). But now my son is here I am struggling with how I feel sometimes. I love him intensely, and he delights me. I'm so happy watching him grow and develop. When he smiles I feel like sunshine explodes in my heart. But now I also have these feelings of "what if" - how would I have felt about my first baby? What would he have looked like? Like my son, but with down syndrome? How would I have reacted as a mother to him? At the time of the termination I never had any doubts, even though it was an awful time. But now I'm questioning myself. It's really hard to explain how I feel. I know I did the right thing at the time.

Cantdothisagain Tue 15-May-12 21:35:17

Ghislaine, I am spared those questions mostly because my babies had fatal conditions, which makes the 'what ifs' less compelling. But a friend of a friend has a little girl exactly the age my first lost child would be (just three) and of course my first child didn't have a condition that is always fatal (Turners), although it was in our case (and sadly is in many). Anyway I don't see this child very often but when I do, I imagine my missing child, only mine would have had (a non-fatal case of) Turner's, and I wonder what she would have been like. It's very fleeting though - I can't explain it - it's more like a passing wonder, rather than a concrete thought process or even a deep sorrow. Not sure how to express it. I have no points of comparison for my second lost child (I happen not to know children that age) and I find I remember her as she was when I gave birth to her at 20 weeks, rather than as she might be now.

But sometimes it occurs to me that I will always be accompanied by faint, passing shadows of the babies I briefly carried, and of lives that could have been. And it's almost comforting, actually, in a funny way. I should think you will feel that way too - I guess part of having your son is that he has both given you incredible joy and somehow also shown you more acutely what you lost with your first baby.

Coffee, I bet Coffee isn't such a teeny bean any longer! Interesting to hear you tentatively mention another baby. I should imagine the pregnancy anxiety never really goes away but must be less harsh than last time around. Did Katie start ttc again, or did I dream it?

Cherry, good luck with the wedding plans. Exciting. Can you tell us about the dress? As for the food thing, I think babies all do it at their own pace, not ours. I can imagine you want him to start eating though! I guess you just have to keep offering and try to chill. Easier said than done....

ghislaine Wed 16-May-12 22:18:58

Wise words, cant. I guess I didn't think my feelings would manifest this way, especially as I found being pregnant again quite healing. I imagine it will get better with time. I suppose it's part of adjusting to being a mother to a boy who's actually here with me.

Did somebody upthread mention a meet-up? We could have another one! It'd be great to see all the old faces and meet the new ones. I'd love to see some wedding pics, I adore weddings. And baby pics (or in person!) would be good too.

mrsbigz Wed 16-May-12 22:35:31

hey ghislaine - reading your post struck lots of chords with me as i feel very similar to you. like you our dd had down syndrome - and also this cystic hygroma which the specialists were never really able to explain how it could affect long-term...spectrum ranging from nothing to possible severe brain damage. as you know on Eve's anniversary in March i was in hospital with Callum when he was poorly, and i had then (and often do) the same thoughts as you.....what would she have looked like. could we have actually coped with her and the unknown health issues that were imminent. most poignantly is when i see my two eldest boys around little girls (any age really, but particularly babies) - they are so loving and caring to them and treat them almost as though they should be on a pedestal. they would surely have loved Eve no matter what (that is the beauty of children - the innocent, unconditional love) and had we never known about her prognosis and she'd just 'arrived' we too would have loved her unconditionally.
BUT like you i look at Callum and can't imagine my life without him - he is a joy to be with (particularly at around 3 in the morning). i think that the questions and 'what if's' are a natural part of the greiving process - gosh if we didn't think these things occasionally then it almost makes a mockery of the hugely difficult decisions we had to make in the past. but what i always remind myself is that we made the right decision for her and our family at the time. and despite how much i desperately miss her still (although it is getting easier) i still am confident in that. sending you some unMN hugs though - it's a hard feeling to deal with.

on a lighter note - i'm all for meet-ups! love putting names to face smile

ghislaine Wed 16-May-12 23:31:55

Thanks Mrsbigz, I think I even have the same triggers - at Easter we went out for the day and we saw a couple around our (advanced) age whose baby had down's. I couldn't stop thinking - did they know? Was it a surprise? Did they go through the same emotions and would they have decided differently? It brought it all back. You are right, if I didn't have those sorts of reactions, I'd question my humanity a bit. Hugs back to you.

Coffeeandchocolate Thu 17-May-12 10:50:17

Ghislaine, I am sorry you are struggling. Not more to add to Cantdo and mrsbigz... I also remember my little girl as she was when I gave birth to her. I did fleetingly ask myself what she would have looked like if we didn't terminate, would she have made it to term,would she have been able to smile, would she have known I was her mum... the prognosis was awful for us as the abnormalities were in the thalamus, the area in the brain which regulates all the senses. What I am holding on to is the certainty that I wouldn't have had my little boy if we had her, and I know this sounds awful, as if it was a choice between my two children, but it wasn't at all. I don't know how to explain it, I just can't imagine my life without him, and this gives everything another dimension.

On a lighter note, I did mention a possible meet-up, it would be nice to see everybody again.

I have to dash now, but thinking of all of you ladies. Big wave to Kittens.

mrsbigz Sat 19-May-12 09:44:46

Just curious - when you had your last meet up where did you all meet - and where is everyone from? X

LittlePoot Sat 19-May-12 12:00:27

Last time we met up was autumn ish 2010 and we met up in central London. so it was just the southern contingent (London, brighton, Cambridge and surrounds) who made it, but there were quite a few of us!

If another southern meetup happens then count me in. To avoid the potential for any uninvited attention, we got the people who wanted to come to say so on here then pm'd the details of where and when to meet. Kittens was our organiser and did a very fabulous job. x

sadbuttryingmummy Sat 19-May-12 12:55:07

hi, first post in this section.
firstly im so sorry for each one of you and your sad losses, its shocking to see so many names on here
i admire you hugely to have the courage to ttc again
i hope i will have the strength

we lost our much wanted and dearly loved baby boy in march due to hypo plastic left heart syndrome.

we are planning on ttc starting next month,

i think i'm going to avoid cleaning products and only have plant cleaning products on the house and avoid as many chemicals as possible, with avoiding certain diy jobs

try and eat as much organic food as possible

just trying to think of ways to be as healthy as possible, certainly for the first half of the pregnancy

i know i'm going to be an anxious mess.

my gp has put me on high strength folic acid, and i'm just trying to think of anything i can do to aviod this happening again or anything else happening.

manitz Sat 19-May-12 13:16:59

hello and welcome to sad but trying mummy. i also terminated my pregnancy because my baby had a hypoplastic right heart, that will be 5 years ago on 5 july. I have since had two healthy sons and a third who had downs syndrome (that pregnancy resulted in a second termination). Downs was totally unrelated to the heart condition and pretty unlikely. I am sure you will find this board very supportive as i did through my pregnancies which had their ups as well as their downs.

Ghislaine, I have just caught up, your first post sounded like you were struggling a little but you sound like you have had good advice and now a bit more sorted. Just wanted to add my experience in case it helps. Following my first termination I had ds1 and suffered a bit of the blues for about a year. I found it a tough year despite being ecstatic to have him. I put it down to having expected to always be happy if only I could have a live baby but it wasn't the case. With ds2 this time round, I knew he wouldn't solve all my problems and havent had the same anxieties. As ds1 got older my anxieties diminished, think having a baby in the first year can make anyone feel a bit down as it can be slightly unrewarding and isolating.

As I said I am not unhappy or at all depressed this time round but I do always wonder about my lost babies. Especially downs as it is more visible. I wonder if parents with children with downs knew and how they feel. I always wonder what my babies would look/sound like. I like to think of them now as I think that is what ghosts are and how they remain alive and how their lives can be acknowledged. I don't know if that makes sense and I have to run now but I kind of sometimes wish i had him and occassionally though less so wish I had her too.

Would love a meet up too. xx

sadbuttryingmummy Sat 19-May-12 13:49:44

hi manitz, it's comforting to hear from others that they have gone on to have healthy other children
that must have been tough finding about one of your much wanted babies had ds.
how on earth did you cope second time round?

some idiot has said to me, that if i have another babes that dies it won't be as bad as i'll be expecting itsad
other people[my dad] has said to me is it worth it?
meaning don't get pregnant again.

i can imagine people won't be pleased for us if i did get pg, i can't imagine there will be the same joyful reaction normal people get, i'll be expecting comments of oh.......
oh right......
that type of thing

i just feel if something like this happens again, it will totally break me
how many children do you have in total,? didy ou have any before you lost a child to hrhs?

did you do any thing differnt in the fololowing pregnancies?

how on earth do you cope with the 40 week pregnancy process?
i was htinking of taking it a day at a time with mini goals to focus on such as an 8 week scan, then a 12 weeek one, then an echo at great ormond street at 16 weeks
then the 20 week scan, then another echo at great ormond street again at 24 weeks.

manitz Sat 19-May-12 16:22:55

Hi again sad but trying, I have four living children and had two girls who were 4 and 2 when I had my first termination. I think the idiot was right but said it wrong - they might have meant that you don't think you can cope but you do and you will - or they could just be an idiot. My dad had a similar attitude to yours especially with my last baby, really didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have another. they just didn't want it to go wrong again.

I approach it like I'm pregnant and that is great but I can't think of it as a baby. Just try and enjoy each stage for what it is. Like you are suggesting really. You just can't think of the future.

ghislaine, I also remembered that one of the big things that dawned on me after ds1 was born was that during the pregnancy I'd been looking forward to the baby's birth and a subconcious part of me thought it would be her who would be born (the baby I had lost). It was a bit of a shock when it wasn't and I had to love an interloper instead - I do but i have never loved any of my children immediately except like a really nice pet. Think I'm focusing here on the fact that you said you had gone backwards so apologies if you no longer think that. x

mrsbigz Sat 19-May-12 21:37:00

Hi sad but trying mummy. So sorry I hear about the loss of your baby boy back in march - I'm sure you will find a lot of support and handholding on this thread... I know that I did!
We lost a baby girl last march - we terminated as she had downs syndrome and also an enlarged cystic hygroma all down her back sad it is the worst thing I've ever had to go through.
I wanted to ttc again straight away (while I know others who have preferred to wait a little - I guess also depending in the diagnosis and whether waiting for pm results etc) we were very fortunate to fall pg again 3 months later and my baby boy was born (9 wks early!?!) in January. I didn't do anything particularly different in that pregnancy - id always tried to eat / live healthily anyway, plus Eve's diagnosis was just random, rather than being something I could have controlled/avoided. The women on here were amazing all the way through - of course you're going to be nervous/anxious when you fall pregnant but I found it helped to set small goalposts like you said. Viability scan, 12 wk scan (we also had a private, more detailed nuchal scan - which gave us the confidence to avoid further invasive testing).
For various reasons my pregnancy wasn't straightforward at all and had its for share of scares however ds3 is here and perfectly healthy - so goes I show it can all work out in the end.
Try and ignore the comments of others - I think mostly they mean no harm but often don't know what to say / how to say things to you when you've been through a termination. People didn't want us to ttc again - but not in a horrible way, just that they didn't want to see us go through such an emotional time again. But we knew we wanted 3dcs so we followed our hearts smile
Best of luck on your ttc journey xxx

sadbuttryingmummy Sat 19-May-12 21:48:45

thanks for such kind replies, feel quite vunerable at the moment so your kindness is appriciated

like with my dad i haven't asked for his advice, he just gives it to me.
i don't want other peoples advise, well not people i know in rl.
it's different on here because i'm asking for your advice

it does give me hope to read about other people that have gone on to have healthy babies, i truely admire you mothers you have such strength.
hopefully i will have too

manitz how did your 4 and 2 year old take the news, after your termination?
we have a dd who is just 5, she is not taking it very well at all.
i've been suprised and shocked at the depth of her grief.
i knew she would be upset as she was sooooo excited about having a baby.
but shes taken it hard and its difficult to see hersuffer

manitz Sun 20-May-12 21:28:52

hi again. how far gone were you? I was 26 weeks so my kids were aware of the pregnancy. When we realised there was a problem we started going for cardiac scans etc so they wanted to know where we were going. I explained that the baby might not have all its parts to make it work. That meant that by the time of the termination they were aware there may be a problem. I dont remember them being that upset, mostly curious, I think it made the older one realise about mortality but the younger one was quite confused.

Why do you think she is so upset? do you think it's because she wants a sibling? maybe cos they had each other mine had less investment in the pregnancy. I also had the baby in july then the oldest started school in the sept and dd2 started preschool which was a massive distraction. Also I had been working but went on maternity leave so it was better for them as they got me home and I really focussed on them, so perhaps their life improved? we felt like shit so we went to some impromptu festivals and treated ourselves, i became a bit more fancy free. I was like mrsbigz and wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible. It didn't happen immediately but I had ds about 15 months later.

I think you give her a hug/lots of hugs. Its probably that she realises how fragile life is. x ps my dad also offers loads of advice - you'd almost htink he had a womb!

sadbuttryingmummy Tue 22-May-12 21:50:21

hi sorry i missed your reply. i was 22 weeks sad

dd has been in tears twice again today, i'm thinking of contacting someone about her.
i'm at home anyway so dont think its because she wants me at home, think shes just so sad as she was looking forward to the baby so much.

mrsbigz Tue 22-May-12 22:32:45

hey sadbuttrying - my situation was a little different to yours. i have to older ds's who were 3 and 1 when we lost our baby last year. because we'd had 2 mc's previously we'd decided not to tell them we were pregnant until our 12wk scan (or tell anyone actually!) and it was that scan that bore us bad news, so from then until 17wks when we finally tfmr, we didn't tell the children as we felt they were too young to properly understand. thankfully although i was showing, it wasn't enough for them (especially the older one) to notice.
however kids are very reactive to their surroundings and while i tried my best to hold things together i'm afraid that i was often in tears around them.
once we'd lost Eve and had her buried, we have taken the kids to the cemetary to visit her. we've explained that we're visiting their sister, and that while she was in my tummy, she was too poorly to be born like they were. the youngest still doesn't quite get it but my (now) 4.5 year old does ask lots of questions.
i found this book to be really helpful - i remember it from a funeral that i went to years ago, and thought then how it would be a really good way to help explain death/dying to kids. hope you may find it useful too?


sadbuttryingmummy Tue 22-May-12 22:41:12

thankyou think i'll order that, i ordered we were gonna have a baby but had an angel instead but its so sad, that i havent shown it to her yet.

but then again so is our situation, perhaps i will show dd the book.

i'll rty waterbugs

thanks for your kind message and im very sorry for your loss toosad

flower11 Thu 24-May-12 11:35:18

Hi everyone, and hello to sadbuttryingmummy, in response to your first post trying again is hard, and accepting that with pregnancy awful things happen that we have no control over is hard, you can do everything right and still loose a baby this happened with our first.
I had my 20 week scan yesterday and as the doctor said it has been a long and difficult journey, we lost our first concieved naturaly then 16 months ttc and fertility treatment to get this little one. In the end the fear of never getting pregnant over rid my fear of things going wrong, having said that I spent the first 13 weeks in denial even up till yesterday, and when the doctor told us to relax and enjoy our baby I got all emotional. I said to dh last night we are going to have a baby! most people have worked that out by 20 weeks but I havent dared believe it, probably wont fully until baby is safely in our arms as I dont feel I can fully bond, I need to protect myself still, and hope things will be ok when baby comes? I'm rambling now.
Scan was all fine, had to have two as baby was laying across me snuggled into posteria placenta and couldnt see tummy, face and brain first time after half hour and some poking baby moved, it was amazing to see all the chambers of the heart. As doctor said have now got over half way, so looking forward to due date, oct the 9th.
Sorry for the me post, hope everyone is doing ok
lots of love xx

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