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Where can I point an 18 year old for support and advice??

(14 Posts)
catinboots Thu 16-Jun-11 19:17:45

Apologies in advance for my ignorance.

Today one of my students came to see me. She had her 20 week scan yesterday and has been told that her baby will not survive. She has been advised to have a termination. sad

The baby has fluid on the brain, fluid around her heart, enlarged kidneys and turned-in hands. It has got a strong heartbeat though.

The girl in question is lovely, but has no support network whatsoever. Her mum is a junkie and the boyfriend is a total arsehole. She was inconsolable today and I didn't know what to say.

Where can I direct her for advice and support? She went to Kings yesterday and said she wasn't offered counselling.

Dontbugmemalone Thu 16-Jun-11 19:32:29

If she can go to a brook clinic, they can refer her to a counsellor.

can find the nearest clinic on here http://www.brook.org.uk/

So sorry for her and the baby.

misty0 Thu 16-Jun-11 19:44:11

Hello,

The poor girl. Thank goodness she has you to seek help for her.

She must have a midwife asigned to her through her GP or health worker, to have got as far as having a scan. She should have a phone number given to her in her 'notes' on which she could ring the mid wife for support and advice.

Because she is 20 weeks along she will have to deliver the baby with an induced labour i believe. But will be offered drugs to lessen the pain and anguish which cannot normaly be given due to the worry of harming a healthy baby in a normal delivery.

ARC is a wonderful organisation which she can contact via phone or email easily. You could google it for her - but someone will be along soon who can do links here and will do just that for you i expect!

You could ask her to post here herself - there are many lovely supportive ladies here who have been through what she is facing and can help her enormously with any questions she has, or for emotional support. She wont face any judgemental comments here. Only love and support. I have an 18 yo daughter myself and can only imagine the fear and worry this girl is going through.

Keep in touch with us and let us know what happens catinboots?

catinboots Thu 16-Jun-11 19:50:50

Thankyou ladies for your prompt response.

She had the 20wk scan at our local hospital yesterday morning and was referred stright to Kings. Kings did amnio yesterday afternoon and she is due to go back next Wednesday for the results and to discuss her options.

From what she has said it sounds like the baby isn't viable sad

She told me that she was 'kicking off' at Kings, so they may have offered her counselling but in her hysteria she didn't understand/agree to it.

I know she has been seeing her local midwife so I will advise her to call her asap.

i will keep you posted xx

misty0 Thu 16-Jun-11 20:42:34

When she goes back to Kings next Wed they should offer counselling again, and adress the situation of support for her. I wonder if she will have someone to go with her that day? I do hope so, as there is so much to take in.

Yes, do please ask her to call her MW. Tell her not to wait for the MW to call her, as it seems from some of the ladies experiences her (including mine) that the info about scans and subsequent terminations are not always passed to the midwives. This is through no fault of their own, and the opportunity for them to support their patient is lost.

Poor, poor thing sad i feel so sad for her

Georgimama Thu 16-Jun-11 20:45:28

Antenatal results and choices here no experience of them but have heard them raved about.

SANDS here

And midwife should also be able to refer to local support agencies/counselling. Poor girl.

catinboots Thu 16-Jun-11 21:16:21

misty0 - I don't usually bring work home with me but this has totally done my head in today.

Her cousin went with her yesterday and will go with her next wednesday. I told her to write down everything she is feeling, and every question she wants answering, before the appointment.

I'm glad you said that about the MWs. I had the feeling they probably aren't kept in the loop as much/as quickly as they should be.

I wish I could have said more to her today. We just sat in the stairwell together and cried and cried and cried. She's normally such a prickly little madam it broke my heart to have her sobbing in my arms sad

glimmer Thu 16-Jun-11 21:51:30

catinboots - crying with her was probably exactly what she needed.
I second ARC and SANDS. They will be invaluable to her.

misty0 Thu 16-Jun-11 22:20:53

You're doing everything you can cat, as glimmer says that probably was exactly what was needed.

Once the practicalities of who to see, whats going to happen, where and when are sorted - all that is left is that she has someone to share her emotions with tbh. Theres nothing you or anyone else will be able to say to take the pain away. But it means the world to be able to 'let it out' with someone who cares.

Of course you are being affected. Poor you too! <hug for the pair of you> You can talk here whenever you need to - this forum is for anyone being affected by antenatal testing and problems and who needs bit of advice and a virtual cupper. I think its great that you are going the extra mile for this poor girl x

EggletinaClock Fri 17-Jun-11 13:50:41

Catinboots I'm so sorry to read about this poor girl and I'm glad she at least has been able to get some support from you.
I went through a very similar experience a few weeks ago but at least I have a very supportive husband and family. I think one thing you might be able to do for her is to help her think about whether there are any other friends or relatives who could help her after she has had the termination. Her cousin or an aunt or somebody? Some people are physically ok quite quickly but I really needed to spend a week in bed. Mentally it is incredibly hard too but I didn't feel I could even start to deal with the emotional side of things until I felt physically better. Can she find someone who can look after her in this way if she needs it?

misty0 Wed 22-Jun-11 07:13:29

catinboots - let us know how it goes for her today if you can?

catinboots Sun 26-Jun-11 18:18:21

Hi everyone. Just wanted to update you as you were all so very and helpful.

The girl's appointment at Kings got moved to Thursday instead of Wdnesday. When she went in they told her that the baby had already died sad sad sad.

She rang me on Friday to sort out resitting an exam!!! Anyway, she told me that she would be going to our local hospital today to deliver the baby sad

The one good thing that I can see is that at least she didn't have to make a decision. It was taken out of her hands. Poor, poor little girl.

When she comes in next i will point her in the direction of the support you have all told me about.

I have nothing but sheer admiration for you amazing ladies who have had to go through something like this.

misty0 Sun 26-Jun-11 21:54:53

Thank you for updating us cat. I've been thinking about that poor girl and wondering how it went.

As you say - tragic to find the baby had died, but a blesssing that the decision to terminate will never be on her conscience.

I hope she does seek support some where. Even here if she wants - we're not all doom and gloom on the big sister thread, but can jump in and hand hold when one of us is feeling down.

Once again well done for stepping up to give the emotional support this girl needed. smile

catinboots Tue 12-Jul-11 19:12:55

Hi ladies. Just another brief update. The girl came to see me last week with pictures of her baby. She seemed eager to talk and show me, so we sat and chatted. She told me about the labour and what the little girl looked like. We looked at the pictures together. It is just so, so sad.

The hospital were amazing. They gave her a book of rememberance with hand and foot prints and several photos. The girl was very emotional but seemed to be bearing up okay.

I saw her again today and she said she felt much better. The funeral is this week, she's been to see her baby girl a couple of times and said her goodbyes.

She is making plans to come back to college in September. She really is an amazing girl. I have told her about this site and hopefully she might have a look and get some support and comfort here.

Once again, my heartfelt thanks for all your advice smile

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