Would like to talk to someone outside my situation:(

[Lmj1920]

Hi everyone this is my first post here and it’s going to be a long one 🙈

I had my baby boy last year after a bad pregnancy with severe morning sickness, covid and Cholestasis (fully aware that some may have had it much worse than me).
The baby was planned and in the beginning of my pregnancy I felt so happy and then towards the end I started to worry and wonder what I’d done and had feelings of regret, when he was born I almost felt like thank god it’s over, my brain wouldn’t let me get past being pregnant...I’m not sure if this has to do with lack of support due to covid or my partner not being able to be part of any appointments? So when the baby being born was a complete shock to my system.
The first 2 weeks were absolute hell as I’m sure they are for most, in pain hormonal etc. But since then I’ve felt my mood deteriorate more and more. About 2 weeks ago after a particularly bad night my baby was screaming hysterically for no reason I’d checked for all the obvious and he was warm comfortable and safe, this went on for almost 2 hours and i lost my temper 😢 I shouted in his face and ended up screaming into a pillow. I felt like I’d completely lost control of myself and eventually I put him down in his crib and left the room. I had to phone my partner to come home from work and I took myself off to bed, my mum came and took the baby to her house and he stayed there for two days as I felt frightened that I would do the same again (please don’t judge me for breaking lock down I was desperate)
I’ve since told my mum and partner how I’ve been feeling and I’ve now spoke with my GP, they’ve given me all the numbers to call and she is going to give me another call herself next week to check in.. I don’t really know what I wanted from the call but I still feel the same I don’t feel as though I can put into words how I feel so I’m not sure if anyone is realising the severity of it, I feel guilty and scared all the time and I just want someone to listen to me without trying to fix it. I’m my own worst enemy as I find it really hard to talk about how I feel and if someone shows any sign of sympathy or concern I instantly close off again. So I figured I would try on here and talk to some strangers who hopefully have experienced similar.

I’m not particularly looking for any advice I just wanted to tell someone and I wonder if anyone has felt the same or am I going completely insane.

If you’re still here thanks for reading xx

[Cheersdickie]

Firstly congratulations! Secondly well done you for speaking out, and reaching out. My advice is to call your GP earlier than your scheduled phone call to explain how the situation is still feeling to you. The thing to remember is, these are hard times and messed up hormones and pain, the confusion and intensity of a newborn are absolute catalysts. You shouted at your baby , they wont remember that and absolute frustration can be so so so feral when it erupts. The most important thing is you reacted to yourself - you dealt with your emotions by using your pillow and then getting your baby to a safe place whilst you got help. This is all really commendable stuff.

[Eastbeaches]

Hi lmj
Thanks for posting. Your situation sounds very similar to what I went through. My DS is now 2 but still have flashbacks to that time. My pregnancy was fine but had a horrid labor (50 hours) and every medical intervention for the birth. So I hadn't eaten or slept for 3 days before I gave birth. When I took him home my mind and body was ruined. I think that bad start really set me back for those first few months. I had so many regrets about even having him and wishing it would all end.

Those deep feelings of despair eventually went away but general sadness came and went for a good year. In retrospect now realise I had PND but at the time didnt think I needed to see a dr but absolutely regret not getting help. Also eventually connected wih a support group (all online atm which is almost easier in a way). That was also incredibly helpful. No judgment just a sounding board.

I know you're really not after advice but if you're mums willing to help or others get as much as you can. Dont worry about lockdown stuff. As long as you're all sensible about it ultimately your mental health and LOs happiness eclipses all of that.

Even now I have a toddler and another one on the way i remind myself all the time everything's a phase...EVERYTHING. I have to take that attitude into baby no.2 because it's just hellish that first year but actually got a lot better after 4/5 month mark (post 4 month sleep regression which was absolutely awful). It will get better and your life somehow becomes slightly more like it was before.

Now I would just die if anything happened to DS and he's so much fun as a toddler (minus the tantrums )

Sorry a bit long but hope thats helpful xx

[Wriggleon]

Don't be so hard on yourself, having a baby is hard, your life has been completely turned upset down and everyone expects you to be happy. Yes speak again with GP, speak to HV but above all be kind to yourself