Please help mum died and I feel like the worst mum

[Morag12]

I hate writing this as I have to admit I don’t think I’m coping too well. My mum died 2 weeks ago and today I shouted twice at my precious 8 month old whose been very whingey all day. I hate shouting at her and regret it terribly but I feel so stressed and lost and angry after this death of my mum it just came out. I’m otherwise coping and back to work and up and out of bed every day and getting on with things but inside I feel awful. I feel like a terrible mother now as well for shouting twice at my little one. Just feel awful and like I don’t deserve to be a mum myself. 😔

[MsJuniper]

You poor love, you're not a bad mum just been through something life changing. You need to make sure you have some professional support in place as it is hard enough looking after a baby without grieving as well.

Be kind to yourself, and if things are getting stressful, it's ok to leave the baby in a safe place for a few minutes (eg the cot) and have a cry or shout in the bathroom.

Stay on MN, it is a good distraction at difficult times.

[Morag12]

Thanks so much for replying. I think I’m going to set up some grievance counseling. I’m also wondering if I’ve got some post natal depression or whether it’s just grief but either way they should help. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Truely feeling like a terrible mum tonight

[Stophuggingme]

You are not a terrible mum
You are grieving
You love your baby


Please make sure someone is loving and looking after you this is an overwhelming time for you but you will get through it.

So sorry for the loss of your mother.

[Herocomplex]

I’m so sorry about your Mum, sounds like you’re really having a terrible time. Who’s there with you? Anyone around? If there isn’t then as long as your baby is warm, fed and clean then you’ve done your best for today.
Please take things slowly, don’t expect too much. Your loss is so recent, you need some support and to have someone to talk to about how your feeling. Are you sleeping?

[Morag12]

Thanks so much for all the supportive words it does help. My husband works shifts and is on a night shift so just me but little one is cosy and warm and fed and fast asleep. She’s had a cold so think that’s why she was whingey just can’t believe I shouted at her Twice! I just don’t feel myself I’m so anxious after mum i just couldn’t take it at the time! I promise I’m usually a good mum I just cracked

[stupidboyman]

My mum died 2 weeks ago too op. Hugs to you. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. I feel so so sad and I have shouted at my older (but still little) kids quite a few times.

[Morag12]

Oh and sorry forgot to say I’m sleeping when little one is but waking in the night worrying about dieing and what happens when I die and leave little one etc etc (guess that’s normal right now I don’t know?!?) so not predictable some nights more than others

[SinkGirl]

You’re still a good mum. We all have moments where we lose our cool, usually for far more trivial reasons than this - you’re a good mum because this isn’t how you want to be. Please don’t beat yourself up. I have shouted at my twins far more often than I’d like. That first year is so hard as it is, without dealing with this as well.

Losing your mum is so hard, let alone when you’re a mum to a baby yourself. My mum died a year before my twins were born - they’re 3 now and I still have moments where my grief is overwhelming.

I think bereavement counselling is a good idea. Do you have a partner? Could they give you some time to yourself tomorrow to get some rest?

[Herocomplex]

Feelings of anger are part of grief, we can feel cheated by the loss of a loved one.

Having a baby can make us feel closer to our own mum, and when she’s not there that can feel very cruel. It can be even worse if it was a complicated or unhappy relationship.

I’m glad to hear your baby is safe and you’ve clearly taken care of her.

[Morag12]

stupidboyman Oh I’m so sorry to hear that and hugs to you too. It’s desperately sad isn’t it? You think it’s going to be hard and it’s just worse

Sinkgirl thanks so much for the support- my husbands home from work in the morning as doing a 10 hour night shift so will need to sleep it off but tomorrow pm I think I’ll try a walk alone

[Doobydoo]

Sounds completely normal to me OP....the shouting,worrying re dying and the guilt. Your chimd is 8 months old..you are still adjusting to having a baby which i a major life change. Your mum dying is also a major life change. Even if your mum hadnot died you may have shouted! ..it is hard when the baby is whinging. Please do not be hard on yourself and if you feel counselling would help tben give it a go. Remember you are human!

[Doobydoo]

Soz re typos.

[Herocomplex]

Does your DH know how you’re feeling? If you’re awake in the night with such thoughts you can phone the Samaritans, they’ll listen and keep you company.
I think you should speak to your GP. It’s very hard feeling so sad, but there is help out there for you.

[Morag12]

Thanks so much Doobydoo. Can’t tell you how much better I’m starting to feel just knowing other mums get it. You can easily feel so very alone and like you’re the only one in the world whose ever found it tough which just isn’t the case ! Thanks again

[danni0509]

bless you! You are not terrible.

Everyone has less than perfect parenting moments, don't beat yourself up.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Xx

[stupidboyman]

How are you feeling @Morag12 ? I collected the ashes the other day. Felt weird walking back to the car carrying her in a bag. I think she would have found it funny.

[caringcarer]

Morag when my Mum died I was so distraught I could not go to work for a month. I cried most of the time. I could not stop. Nothing my dh, dc or sisters said made me feel better. I lost over a stone as could not swallow food and felt sick a lot of time. After funeral my other sisters all went back to work but I couldn't so had to go to GP who gave me a sick note suffering from extreme grief/stress. My employer was ok as I had not had any time off in previous 3 years. If you are struggling to cope give yourself some time to be alone to grieve and to cry if need be. You will be a good Mum you just need to have some time for yourself. I used to go walking for miles and swimming up and down until I was exhausted.