12 weeks pregnant and hating my life

[julitan]

I'm 32 and 12 weeks pregnant in a very much planned and wanted pregnancy. Just 6 months ago I was also pregnant but a blood test and CVS showed a severe chromosomal issue and we chose to have a termination at 14 weeks. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me and I cried everyday for 2 months. Fast forward, we tried again after 3 months and I'm pregnant again.

This time even though I was desperate to get pregnant, when I tested every day since 8dpo for a BFP, when I got it our BFP on 12dpo, I met up with my husband and just cried. I told him we couldn't manage it. I was terrified of another issue coming up where I'd be forced to choose to terminate again. I felt he couldn't support me even though he totally has been the kindest most sacrificing person ever. I felt alone and like I'd made a mistake.

I have a high pressure job in a man's world with no female mentors at the C-suite level. I travel once a month internationally but since my last (secret!) pregnancy and loss i kept finding excuses not to fly. If my husband is too busy at work to travel on holidays, I plan my own with friends and pay for everything on my own. I pay for all the nice lifestyle things my husband and i share.

At 9 weeks I did all the screening tests, genetic testing on me as well. And everything came back normal! Since then I've just slowly drifted into a zombie like state of sleeping, eating and brushing my teeth at like 2pm. I don't wear makeup anymore. I am senior enough to work from home. I don't even want to get out of my pyjamas.

I can't go through with a termination. But all I think about at 1am in the morning is divorce, termination, leave my job, abandon my career, just end it all.

[PotentialParent]

Oh it sounds like you're going through a whole lot. Have you spoken with a doctor? It could be that you have depression bought on by the pregnancy and your previous termination. I would recommend you take some time to go and see a doctor and tell them everything you are feeling and that you need help.

Please take care. I suffer from mental health issues too, and I know just how alone you can feel.

[39Suzy]

I am sorry for your loss, i had a TFMR at 24w in April last year and it is truly heartbreaking. I am also pregnant again now which comes with its own challenges which it sounds like you are facing.

That is brilliant news that your screening for this pregnancy has come back ok. We had to wait until 18w (as it was a neurology abnormality incompatible with life) which just dragged. Even now, i still am in disbelief i am here at 29w. It takes a lot to accept that your current pregnancy may result in a baby.

I would suggest you speak to your GP about counselling. ARC is also a good resource. The PAL (pregnancy after loss) community online is brilliant at dragging you through those dark days. Have you spoken to DH about your thoughts?