PND - is it really? and do I take the pills or not?!! Seeking advice and sharing of stories

[Snowdrop2018]

Dear fellow mums,

I am probably writing as a release as well as seeking experiences/success stories with taking sertraline or managing depression without.

My son is 7 weeks old and I was prescribed sertraline a week ago but am reluctant to take it.

From reading numerous posts about PND my heart goes out to all those who suffer badly. It seems a collossolly unfair condition after what women already go through with pregnancy and childbirth. We don't get it easy do we!

Therefore, when I compare myself, I think I'm lucky not to have it so bad and maybe this is just how hard it is when having a baby to look after. I'm questioning whether I really do have depression and need to just pull myself together more... but that's probably because it's hard to admit it to myself!

I have had a very successful career and work in a corporate environment, so I naturally like to be in control and succeed. Whereas I've found motherhood very hard as there's not tangible ways to know how you're doing, and have feelings of being inadequate (I know this is irrational) - birth didn't go well and I was unable to breastfeed which didn't help these feelings. I am struggling that I don't know what baby wants/what's wrong (who does, again I know this is 'normal'!)

I can function pretty well: do feel immense love to my gorgeous baby and feel confident of attachment by return, manage a shower and (light!) makeup every day, get out every day, I'm on top of the washing, can get back to sleep after feeds (most of the time), appetite is good, managing to eat well, go out at least once a week with friends... So you may think "what in earth is she complaining about"

In the background: I have a lot of 'noisy' anxious thoughts about everything and nothing, angry and irritable feelings towards my husband, feeling overwhelmed and teary, sometimes dreading the day ahead and feeling trapped in the cycle of feed, burp, puke, change, cry, repeat and the worry about the forthcoming hours of LO crying in the evening (presume colic) which I guess is the depression bit.

None chemical action so far:
Hubby to take at least one night feed to help with sleep
Fresh air every day
Taking multivitamins
Trying to do breathing exercises once a day
Writing down positive of the day and one example of being a great mum
Writing a journal
Reading a book on depression
Mum group or nct group at least once a week to socialise

I do have feelings of wanting to get better on my own, and anxiety about whether it'll make it worse if I take sertraline and then I'll realise I had it OK ....

So I am torn.

Part of me thinks: it's a chemical imbalance, take the pills, I may be wasting time getting better and enjoying baby and life more sooner.

The other thinks: taking pills is not a light matter, it could bring nasty side effects and make things worse, once I start it's a long journey, and what about giving the other none medical options time to work.

Are there any mums out there who would be happy to share there thoughts /experiences to help me decide what to do?!

Pills or no pills?!

Thanks in advance for reading and any responses x

[hunterbear]

I took the pills and they were a godsend.

Initially yes the side effects were not pleasant and I had to 'ride it out' as I was desperate for a quiet and peaceful mind.

My experience sounds very similar to yours. I had a combination of CBT and medication and I'm now the other side off the medication and have the blissful peace of mind I thought I'd lost forever.

Good luck!

[LittleMissB83]

I have just started taking the pills. I took them for over a year before pregnancy for severe anxiety and they really evened me out. I came off them during pregnancy which in retrospect wasn't the best idea for me. I went back on when my son was 10 weeks (he's now 14 weeks). In many ways I was "managing" in the ways you describe (getting out and about, doing laundry etc) but in my head I felt wrong: overwhelmed, out of control, often very irritable. I guess it's not an easy call because becoming a Mum is so massive in itself, but I think the medication is the right thing for me. That said a weighted factor for me is that I have an extensive (20 year) history of mental health difficulties which have previously responded to medication.

[Snowdrop2018]

Thank you both so much for your responses, it's appreciated and comforting to receive.

hunterbear I'm so pleased they worked for you and you're out the other side! Can I ask what kind of side effects you had so I can brace myself for what I could be riding out?!

LittlemissB83 sorry to hear you've suffered for many years, the pnd sounds similar to me, and it's good that you know that the medication works for you. Did you have any side effects that I'd need to be aware of too?

In both cases, do you still feel like 'you'?! X

[kello]

Take the pills! I've been in your situation. Nobody would have known I was so anxious - because i tend to become v high functioning when anxious. I would organise stuff to keep my mind busy, so I would be out a lot or hosting and feel fine when around others but constantly anxious about general care for the baby. Sleeping or lack of was my main issue and what pushed me into taking the pills.

No side effects at all for me and once I felt calm inside I was able to enjoy those early months so much more.

The only thing I would say is down the line I did end up also having some counselling alongside the pills as I realised it was not just about chemical imbalance for me.

[LittleMissB83]

OP, side effects wise, sertraline is much better for me than with citalopram and the effects were milder. The main one was a headache for around a week (which went with paracetamol), and some insomnia. The headache can also come back when you stop the medication so it is important to come off gradually. I think there are other possible side effects on the packet but those were the only ones I had. Far outweighed by the benefits!

[LittleMissB83]

And I feel much more like "me" now than I did before I started back on the medication after giving birth! The only difference is that I don't cry as much or experience extremes of emotions- you feel happy but in a calm way, if that makes sense!

[Loopytiles]

7 weeks is early days and it actually sounds to me like you’re doing OK!

There are lots of rational reasons to feel upset, exhausted, and angry!

[Loopytiles]

Also, how severe are your intrusive thoughts and feelings of dread? Are they affecting what you do, how you behave?

[hunterbear]

Initial side effect was worse anxiety, I had a panic attack when I first took a pill. Doctor had to reassure me it was normal. But once that settled it was amazing!!

[Snowdrop2018]

Thanks for the support ladies. Littlemiss I'm so pleased you feel more like you. Kello, I'm pleased they've helped you too.

I've found it hard to reply as the question about intrusive thoughts has had me paying more attention and it's hard to decipher. Some days I feel pretty good, almost myself, then the next something will make me rage/feel like crying. Mainly directed towards my hubby (eg. He put the bucket used to wash his bike bits where I do the baby bottles so bits of oil got on them... So I think justified cross response!) however, sadly, if I am honest a lot of the anxiety comes from me worrying about baby crying in public, me not knowing what to do and then ruining peoples peace or judging me for my parenting... So I do sometimes talk myself out of popping into a shop that day, for example.

When I read back things like that, I can 'hear' my irrationality but still feel so reluctant to take the pills.

[Snowdrop2018]

Hunterbear I missed your post somehow. I think that's the kind of side effect I'm nervous about! How long did the side effect last and how long to feel good? What kind of level was the anxiety beforehand?
Thanks for sharing ☺

[hunterbear]

I think that when the doctor explained to me why I was having this reaction (panic attack), caused by an initial serotonin surge I could logically deal with it.

Panic attack only happened once on my first pill. After that it settled fairly quickly. I made sure I was staying with my inlaws for a week whilst I started them.

Best thing I ever did! My depression and anxiety pre tablets was crippling. Was waking at 1am everyday and then having to deal with baby all day until bedtime. I dreaded the nights. Then I started dreading the days. My thoughts were constantly disruptive. I had no peace, ever.

[Snowdrop2018]

Thanks Hunterbear. Sounds like you had a horrible time beforehand and I'm so pleased you're out the other side now!
This is part of my dilemma as I'm 'lucky' that I don't have it as severely as insomnia and dread, so I'm scared I'll make it worse for myself.
But I also don't feel like myself at all so perhaps it's time to take the plunge before I forget what being myself felt like!

Did anyone else agonise like this about taking the pills?! It's not fun being so conflicted

[hunterbear]

Maybe look at taking the lowest dose possible and see how you go. That's really easy to come off of if it doesn't suit you.

The lowest dose still worked for me and I was able to come off them pretty much over a week.

[Snowdrop2018]

That's a helpful suggestion thank you. I've been given 50 so maybe cut them in half would feel less daunting.

Next question is when to take them in the day , morning or night?!

[hunterbear]

Night is supposed to be best so the peak hits when you're asleep