How to stop hating my life...

[Hushhush89]

As title says really... how can I stop hating my life...

All I keep thinking about lately is if it wasn't for my children I would no longer be here... I have 3 girls youngest being 11 weeks. I just feel like I have no one to talk to. I am married and have been for 2 years now and been with my partner for 10 years, but I have no life... this makes me sound really sad but I have no friends, which means I never get to go out and do my own things. I know having kids means I can't enjoy myself like I use to but what I mean is in the last 8 years I have never had a day off just for me... before having my youngest I would still be sat in doors while kids were at school. Even when kids stay with family, I still feel like I can't go out. All I think about is if I went no one would actually notice but then I look at my girls and know I can't leave them. I now look at my partner and just think what is the point in being with him, whenever I try talking to him he is always too busy reading/playing on his phone so now I don't bother trying. I don't think there is anything for us anymore... Last time we had sex was just before I found out I was pregnant, we didn't plan on having a 3rd but got a surprise and from the moment I told my husband he hasn't come near me since, he probably would now but for some reason I'm now too scared to even try sex again. But then I look in the mirror and just think he wouldn't be interested now as I look gross.

Not actually looking for any response I just felt like I needed to write something down

[Elektringa]

Hi. So sorry to hear you are feeling like that. Please don't feel bad for writing in here. You need to talk, let it out! Could you please just make an appointment with your gp and don't be scared to say how you feel. They will be able to help you out as you may be depressed.
Talk with your husband, I know it's hard to try but just try. I was very depressed after my first pregnancy amd felt the same way, gp helped me a lot and I also learned to talk, this really helps.
Just write in here how you feel.
Can you go out during day with kids? Have you tried any local mum groups?

[Hushhush89]

I've tried making doctor appointments but I can never seem to talk about how I'm feeling. I've even asked to see my health visitor but when she turns up I end up talking to her about my daughter. Usually I can just push the way I'm feeling aside and get on with my day. Today just seems to be a really bad day for me, while getting ready this morning I saw myself in the mirror (I try to avoid them) didn't like what I saw and now I pretty much have an empty wardrobe as I decided to throw most of my stuff because I know they won't look good on me. It's got that bad for me I try to avoid mum and baby groups, I find it hard just taking my daughter to get weighed and when I am there I usually try getting it over with quickly just so I don't have to talk to anyone (or bring my husband along so he can do all the talking). It's been so long since I've had someone to talk with/go out with I am now to scared to try make conversation with anyone and I only talk to people if they talk to me first but I usually keep my answers/response short and try to avoid asking them questions myself. I always go out with my kids but occasionally I just think I need me time but I can't seem to do it. I remember once my mum came to babysit so me and my husband could go out to an event. I lasted about an hour before I felt ill and had to come home but once I was back I felt fine. I actually felt really bad for going out and not being home with my kids (even tho they were in bed)

Thank you for responding, even tho I can't talk to a lot of people it feels like I'm never heard so was nice to get reply to my message x

[Elektringa]

I know how hard it is to talk about your feelings, but you have to try, at least try, or write everything on the piece of paper and give to doctor. Sometimes our brains just can't make enough of certain hormone which makes us happy and we feel more and more down. You need to stay strong and get back smile on your face for your kids.
How is your husband? Can you talk with him?
Did you feel anxious in leaving your kids with mum when went out? Maybe you are trying to take everything on your shoulders and therefore it is way too much to handle now?
Can you afford to go out on your own and get your hair or nails done or get a massage? Just to do something for yourself for an hour or two? Don't feel bad in leaving your kids for half a day, you need that time for yourself and they are beeing looked after. Kids need their grandparents, fathers, etc. Just accept help or ask for it. I know it's hard and you may feel misunderstood but need to cheer up so kids would see you more happy, slowly slowly. Spring is coming, will get more sun! Try to enjoy as much as you can!
And about the wardrobe, maybe it's a good thing. Can you get something new and diferent? Check the charity shops they have nice things as well.
Sending big hug xx

[Hushhush89]

Thank you again for your response... If I get the chance to have the odd night away (my oldest is 8 and I've only had someone over 3 times to babysit for us) in the morning I will already be regretting asking someone to look after them (usually my mum has them and I trust her with them) and as the time gets closer to going out I start feeling ill, I become snappy and think of different reasons why I shouldn't leave and when I eventually do get out the house I find that I can't enjoy myself as I know I should be home with my girls. I really can't treat myself. I hate spending money on me (even when I get given money/vouchers for birthdays) and when I do get something I instantly feel guilty that I've spent money on myself yet I'm happy to splash out on new outfits for my children... my hair is in desperate need of a haircut but again I can't bring myself to get it done as I feel like I'm wasting money. Don't think I could ever get a massage, I can't stand my body and I know if someone was massaging me ill be worried that they are judging the way it looks.

Writing everything down sounds like a good idea and I will try and give that ago... I know if I sat my husband down to talk he would be there for me but if I'm having a down day I can never bring myself to talk to him (even on a good day to be honest as I've never been able to talk about myself). Usually when he asks what's wrong I usually snap nothing is to him and the find myself rearranging a room round so I don't have to talk x

[Elektringa]

It is hard to open yourself to people, but husband is there for you and he also needs you, same as girls need you but never forget - you need you as well! In good shape and mood!
Body shape, weight - it does not matter! It's just a body and you should never be ashamed of it, you gave birth to three children and are taking best care of them.

Try to write it all down, if don't want to go to doctor you can give t to your husband to read.

Unfortunately men are so straightforward if you don't say to them directly they don't get it. It was with me and still is. So I am also still learning to say what I think and what I feel even how hard it might be.

It looks like you have anxiety of leaving your kids. It's fine, you want best for them, however make sure you don't forget yourself. At the end of the day you are an example to your daughters, and believe me or not I bet they would like to see you happy and maybe spend some time for yourself.

Think about it all and don't be afraid to talk! Step by step, day by day.

[Hushhush89]

To be honest I think my husband can tell there is something wrong but he doesn't like to pressure me in to talking (he tried it after I had our 1st daughter and I would just snap at him till he ended up walking out for a few hours). I'm definelty going to give writing ago. Just writing on here is making me feel a bit better.

I find it strange the way I am with my girls as I'll happily send them off to school, let them go out for the day with their friends or having sleep overs with family but I can't bring myself to leave them at home, but then even if they are not home I still can't enjoy being out as I think I should be at home. I am trying to work on myself again, before I got pregnant with my 3rd daughter I had just started liking myself and wearing nicer fitting clothes and doing my make up (sorry for tmi, but even my husband had to ask me to calm down as he couldn't keep up with my needs 😉) but now I can't even bring myself to do any of that now. And if he tries anything I usually slap his hand away and roll over.

[Elektringa]

It is all normal what you are feeling and the best thing of all that you understand how you feel and you are trying to talk and express all of this in here.
It seems that your husband is a good person and possibly would understand you more than you can imagine.
Just day by day try to love yourself. And speak/write to him. Maybe also small appreciation notes would help? You can tell him something nice and in this way he would be encouraged to say something back to you.
I know it's hard not to snap back, as I do a lot of this but I am being told off which helps me to stop a little bit and try to change as well.