Obsessed MIL

[vichu]

I know this is an old topic discussed off and on every where. But I am getting very frustrated and want to get it off my chest. I just had a baby 2 weeks ago. Both my mom and mil are staying with us to help us with the baby. Actually my mil invited herself over because I had initially invited only my mom. It is not that I did not want mil nearby for the birth of her grandson. It is just that since the pregnancy announcement, it has been all about the grand child with her. I usually don't mind it. But my delivery was not one of those times that I could tolerate her obsession. Since the birth she has been spending her entire energy to be with my baby. I know she loves her grand child. But I am not getting my space to interact with my baby. She is always there by my side watching the baby. Even when I am feeding him, she sits in a chair nearby peering directly at my breasts to see if he is drinking fine. That pisses me off real hard. The moment he finishes drinking, he usually falls asleep, but she insists on carrying him on her shoulders until he sleeps which he'd have already done. And the moment she holds him he wakes up and starts screaming his head off and won't go back to sleep until I feed him again and the routine continues. I really want to run away somewhere far away from her for atleast a day to have some alone time with my baby.
My milk has also not started coming fully. I know this and I have been supplementing with formula from day 1. The doctor has asked me to continue to breastfeed even when using formula and to gradually decrease the formula when breastmilk is sufficient. My MIL keeps insisting on more and more formula even when I want to feed him and listening to her say my breastmilk is insufficient 50 times a day everyday sent me into feeling unworthy and into a complete breakdown today. Am I over reacting here? I do need help with the baby but I feel suffocated here.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

Bloody hell, no you're not overreacting. Her behaviour is far too interfering. What happens if you say no to her and refuse to hand the baby over? What does your DH think about what she's doing?

Can you tell her to take herself out for the day to give you some space?

[Amatree]

You're not overreacting, she sounds awful. Probably wants you to increase the formula so she can have the baby more away from you. You need to tell her to back off. Can your partner speak to her? It's natural to want your own mum there for support but could you make it look fairer by asking them both to go home so you have enough time to bond individually wth the baby? This is crucial bonding time the you can never get back so for your baby's sake you need to deal with this situation. Good luck and congratulations!

[AfterSchoolWorry]

She has to go. She's sabotaging your bond with the baby.

Can you get your DH to deal with her. She needs to go home. She had her turn with her own baby. What she is doing is selfish and unfair.

[Iloveacurry]

You need to ask both your mother and MIL to leave. You really don’t need 4 adults to look afte a baby! You and your DH need time to bond with your little one. Also baby needs to be able to settle themselves without being held all the time, after feeding etc.

[GummyGoddess]

Perhaps your milk is a bit slow because you don't get enough time with your baby! Get her out, even if it means your mum has to go too.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

(Don't worry about making your 2 week old get used to being put down if it doesn't bother you. It'll happen naturally as they get older.)

[Mishappening]

Send her packing! Right now!

[GummyGoddess]

Is she pushing more and more formula because she is feeding it to your child?

[SleepFreeZone]

Your boobs work on the basis of supply and demand. The midwives would always advise you not to supplement with formula until your milk is in and your feeding routine is established. YouR MIL is sabotaging you and I agree she is doing it so she can start bottle feeding the baby as soon as possible. My MIL was also insanely jealous of me breast feeding my first son and hates the fact I'm still breast feeding my second.

Tell her to leave.

[wildbuttercup]

Have a quiet word with your DM and get her to agree then politely ask them both to leave - with support from your DP. He needs to back you up on this. You can always ask your on DM to return if you need her. And tell MIL she can come regularly to visit. Draw the line early on - it will only get worse

[Sinistrophobia]

You honestly don't need help to look after your baby, I'm assuming you're a ftm and I know it seems scary but you and your DH can do this completely by yourselves. Your MIL and your DM being there is actually ruining the very first chances you and your DP have to bond with your new baby, your MIL even more so by constantly interfering. You need to ask them both to leave for your own sanity and in order to improve your milk supply and confidence in your parenting abilities.
If you want to continue breastfeeding then you need to just feed feed feed, your baby needs to up your supply and the formula is decreasing that which I'm sure you already know. Your MIL is purposely trying to sabotage your attempts at breastfeeding as she no doubt wants to look after and feed your baby all by herself. Please do not let her do this. Once you have asked her to leave she will no doubt push for alone time with the baby and to babysit, please do not be pushed into that before you are ready.
Im sure you and your DP are great parents and your confidence will only grow in that once your DM and MIL have gone and allow you to just get on with things yourself

[Gazelda]

You poor thing! She is more of a hindrance than a help.
Someone needs to tell her to go. And your DM too if that would help long term relationship,with DMiL.
Can you be any with your mum? Would your DP handle this? If not, have you been discharged from your MW? I found my MW the biggest help ever when I needed someone to be firm about what's best for baby and Mum (me).

[AntiHop]

Bloody hell you're not overreacting. I agree, she needs to go. If you want to be diplomatic about it, perhaps you could suggest she stays for a weekend in a month or so and set a date.

You're completely within your rights to tell her to give you all the since you need.

Ideally your dp should be the one telling her this.

[BewareOfDragons]

MIL needs to go home. Now.

She is interfering with your time with your new baby, probably causing problems with your milk coming in.

Ask your DH to ask her to go home, or you will. It isn't working, and she's literally taking your baby off you every chance you get just to sit quietly with your baby. Not on.

[Situp]

this is ssetting up adynamic which will continue through the baby's life if you dont nip it in the bud.

If you can't get rid of her then keep her busy. cleaning, cooking, washing should keep her occupied.

It is really easy to be overwhelmed at first but you have to do this your way. My MIL is lovely but we had to have a discussion about boundaries regarding our different attitudes to sleep routines for DS.

enlist DH and DM to help but I really think you need some time and space on your own with your baby.

On the FF issue, I am a great believer in doing what works for you but my dSIL came under massive pressure from her family to move to formula, mainly because t meant feeding was then something they could also do and not her exclusive role.

[LegoCaltrops]

Your milk will increase if you have more physical contact with your baby. You need your DH to back you up on this matter. Now. Trust me - my MIL was like this - visiting every single day (they lived locally & we have a small house or I think she'd have invited herself to stay too). What had previously been a reasonable bond of friendship between me & her has been irreparably damaged, & I now don't want any more children because of how she behaved. She destroyed my enjoyment in the precious early days with my DD & she'd been so emotionally abusive to DH & contributed to his breakdown, that he couldn't stand up to her. Please don't make the same mistake.

FWIW - I also supplemented with formula, partly because I didn't get enough baby time (although feeding was very painful for me as well). I did manage to re-establish supply enough that we we could ditch the formula after about a month of trying. La Leche League & the Kellymom website are both really helpful. Ideally, you need keep your fluids up, get lots of rest, & hold your baby as close to 24/7 as you can manage. Your MIL is sabotaging you, deliberately or otherwise.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Everyone has already said what I think, but omg she needs to go. Now.

[Changeusername]

Omg op i feel for you ! . Milk should come in by day 5 usually, how much ru supplementing? There are good facebook groups that offer aupport and guidance which may help.

You need time to your self with baby lots of skin to skin. I personally wouldnt feel comfortable with my mil or mum staying with me. I need my own space. So tell them/mil to go if thats what you need, make yourself comfy, and keep feeding baby as often as she wants and your milk should come in. If they are really there for you they will be at the end of the phone. This is about YOU and YOUR baby not MIL she has had her baby and your baby is not her property. Also the added stress of situation will be having a negative effect on your milk supply i would imagine.

What does DH say ? Im a new ftm also. When i think about the early days and reflect on them, next time im having no visitors for 2 weeks so we can enjoy baby to ourselves as a family. I can hardly remember those early days. It was a rush of constant visitors and everyone else wanting to hold her :(

[Bobbiepin]

I can empathise with you, my MIL thankfully isnt staying with us but she texts and calls every day asking when she can come over. She's extremely possessive over DD when she's here and it's a struggle to get her off her and let anyone else have a cuddle - FIL has come over a couple of times without her because he doesn't get a look in. Over the Xmas period she was over 3 days out of 4, and kept taking DD off my family even though my DM and DSis hadn't been able to see her for a couple of weeks. It's hard to talk to DH about it but I'm at the end of my tether with her!

[Changeusername]

Aw lego that sounds awful ! Why do people change so much when babies arrive ?

[Bowednotbroken]

Sounds horrible for you - much sympathy. One way of trying to help with breastfeeding is to retire to bed - just you and the baby and your OH if around, spend as much time as possible skin-to-skin, and get some rest and peace. That's if she won't just go away!! Lots of luck. Worth being a bit assertive as you never get these early days back.

[Thirtyrock39]

Can you speak to your health visitor about how you feel ? I'm sure they will ecjho the previous comments about needing time for you to bond and not
Increasing formula and this may help your partner to understand that it's not you trying to exclude his mum. I say this cos had a similar situation with my first and it was totally overwhelming and caused a lot of resentment but my dh was very defensive of his mum and didn't understand why my mum could be around more than his etc etc (he does now and was much better with the other kids in the newborn phase)
Just to add a positive my mil these days is much more chilled out and has a very positive and healthy relationship with the kids (and me) it was definitely first grandchild obsession and did get easier but I do wish I'd been stronger at the time and kept those early days more time Just us

[Situp]

I would also say that unless there are specific issues, the whole topping up with formula often makes things worse. If you want to combination feed then choose a specific feed to replace with formula so your body has a routine. I made this mistake with DS and the lack of consistency wrecked my supply. with DD we replaced 1 feed a day with formula at first and my supply adapted really well whilst giving me the advantages of having a break. we then dropped the formula after a few weeks because I felt comfortable going fully BF x

[WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo]

Oh you poor thing, what a horrendous situation. It sounds like you're not getting the opportunity to feed him enough if she's snatching him off you, which will definitely affect your milk coming in. Where's your own mum while this is happening? Can she not intervene on your behalf?

But really, you need to send MIL packing and your DH needs to do it. Like, right now.