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Returning to work meeting 6 weeks after baby death... insensitive?

(32 Posts)
user1485778793 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:46:14

My employer has asked me to attend a kit meeting tomorrow morning to discuss my thoughts on returning to work.

I'm starting to think this is a bit insensitive considering it's only been 6 weeks since my baby died and my mat leave doesn't finish until June.

The meeting is 10am I'm tempted to ring and tell em to frigg off

MrsMerryFestive Sun 08-Oct-17 23:49:26

So sorry for your loss user.

I don't know what the usual protocol is for returning to work meetings is, but this does seem very early.

Do you think they believe you won't now be having your full maternity leave?

user1485778793 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:59:39

Not sure what they think. But the thought of going in upsets me. I'm slightly annoyed it was announced to everyone that he had died and that no one bothered to contact me til Thursday.

Ohwell14 Mon 09-Oct-17 00:02:28

You are still entitled to your whole maternity leave if baby was past 26 weeks. A colleague had a similar experience last year and took the full years term xx
I'm sorry for your loss.flowers I would definetly tell them to piss off

MrsMerryFestive Mon 09-Oct-17 00:03:15

They probably don't know what to say to you.

You need to look after yourself first and foremost.

Call or email them in the morning and tell them it's too soon, you're not ready and that as you're not coming back until June (in case they think otherwise!) perhaps a meeting after the new year would be more appropriate.

ErrolTheDragon Mon 09-Oct-17 00:04:05

flowersI'm so sorry.

Its possible, I suppose, that they could be wondering if you might actually want to return to work sooner than planned. As it seems clear enough from what you wrote that this isn't the case, perhaps ring to say you have no thoughts about returning to work before the end of your maternity leave at the moment so a meeting does not seem appropriate.

pleasegoaway Mon 09-Oct-17 00:05:17

Please do tell them where to go. Our first son sadly died when just a few days old and my employer couldn't have been more supportive at the time.
You do not need to attend any meetings and do take as much time as you want to decide what to do next.
I couldn't go back and handed in my notice after a while but I'm very glad (now ten years later) that I took my time to look after myself. I felt bad for my husband who had no choice but to return.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It never stops hurting but it does get easier to live with the pain.

Hugepeppapigfan Mon 09-Oct-17 00:05:26

Politely decline the meeting?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

MrsMerryFestive Mon 09-Oct-17 00:08:01

www.uk-sands.org/sites/default/files/SANDS-RETURN-TO-WORK-BOOK.pdf

www.uk-sands.org/sites/default/files/SANDS-INFO-EMPLOYERS.pdf

Itscurtainsforyou Mon 09-Oct-17 00:10:00

I am so sorry OP.

As far as I'm aware they should expect you to take your full maternity leave and shouldn't expect you to go in until much nearer the end. It sounds like they need to be reminded of this.

It could be that they're incompetent rather than insensitive (to give them the benefit of the doubt). Fwiw I lost a pregnancy just before 24 weeks (so didn't qualify for maternity leave/pay) and had to go back fairly quickly as I was on sick leave. I casually mentioned that if I'd managed to last another few days I'd have had a year to grieve and a number of people were horrified that I would have taken this time given the chance.

If I was in your shoes I would contact them tmw and cancel the meeting. Remind them that you have 7-8 months if maternity leave left and you'll contact them to arrange a meeting nearer the time.

Sending you flowers & please post on here if you want to talk about your baby, you're not alone.

user1485778793 Mon 09-Oct-17 00:10:18

Thanks for the link.

My baby was born at 36 weeks and died at 10 1/2 weeks.

It kills me to type it, saying it is even worse

MrsMerryFestive Mon 09-Oct-17 00:12:38

What's your baby's name user?

Itscurtainsforyou Mon 09-Oct-17 00:13:57

I'm so sorry. Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen to you. The pain is indescribable.

Have you had any answers to why it happened? I found not knowing the worst thing.

Do you have real life support?

Iamchanging Mon 09-Oct-17 00:14:02

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you user. I give (still)birth to my baby girl tomorrow at 25 weeks so can empathise with some of your pain. I fully intend to take some significant time off after as I get over this x

Itscurtainsforyou Mon 09-Oct-17 00:15:13

flowers to you also @iamchanging. It's the worst.

brapbrap Mon 09-Oct-17 00:16:10

So sorry for your loss user

As a manager there is no way I'd be asking an employee to come in - I would be waiting for you to decide when the right time for a kit is. They are being very insensitive

Send a brief but polite email declining the meeting and if you want, you could say when you'll contact them.

Bisquick Mon 09-Oct-17 00:17:48

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the insensitive way your employer is behaving. As far as I am aware you are entitled to full mat leave and employer cannot force you to attend kit days. Mine just let me decide when I wanted to come back (stillbirth at term) but her first phone call was to say I am entitled to the full year and should definitely think about the decision and take the full year if I want (since I'd suggested coming back quite soon).

Bisquick Mon 09-Oct-17 00:18:01

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the insensitive way your employer is behaving. As far as I am aware you are entitled to full mat leave and employer cannot force you to attend kit days. Mine just let me decide when I wanted to come back (stillbirth at term) but her first phone call was to say I am entitled to the full year and should definitely think about the decision and take the full year if I want (since I'd suggested coming back quite soon).

LadyWithLapdog Mon 09-Oct-17 00:18:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 37 weeks and returned to work a few weeks later. It wasn't planned and it was awkward as nobody knew what to say but I think it was for the best for me at the time. I was working in academia so quite a relaxed environment a decade ago. I didn't feel pressured to go back. I think I'd have become very lost and depressed without that additional structure. It was dark times. Best wishes to you , OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

LadyWithLapdog Mon 09-Oct-17 00:20:53

Iamchanging 🌺

stopbeingadramallama Mon 09-Oct-17 00:22:04

I don't have any advice as I can't imagine how terrible it would be to lose a baby but just want to say I am so sorry for what has happened xxxx

stillvicarinatutu Mon 09-Oct-17 00:25:01

id decline and tell them you are using your full mat leave and will be in touch when that finishes.

im so sorry. i had a lossi n the second trimester and that was bad enough. i took 3 months off.

i wish you all the best. x

NoCryLilSoftSoft Mon 09-Oct-17 00:34:28

I am so sorry for your loss and for others on this thread.

OP as far as I know, KIT days are not mandatory. You don't have to do them.

nocoolnamesleft Mon 09-Oct-17 00:36:51

I am so sorry. Your work are being insensitive bastards. I'd be gobsmacked if you were in a fit state for that meeting yet. It may be that this is a totally cack handed way of them intending to be supportive. But I wouldn't bet on it. It would be absolutely reasonable of you to decline.

If you ever feel it would help to talk about your beautiful baby, there will always be someone ready to listen on here.

AnnieAnoniMouse Mon 09-Oct-17 00:42:51

I'm so sorry to hear about your DS.

I can't believe that no one from work has acknowledged your loss. I don't think I could go back after that. I'd take the full mat leave & look for another job.

I'd struggle to reply politely to that email, the tossers. But I'd do my best to say 'Oh do fuck off' as politely as possible. There's no way I'd go in.

Take care 💐

Iamchanging. That's so very sad, I'm sorry you're going through that. I'll be thinking of you later today x

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