Miscarriage and then worried when pregnant again???

[Johnskymberlina]

Hi ladies, just need some advice really on anyone who has had a miscarriage and then got pregnant? Cutting a long story short, we have had 4 years of infertility. First round of ivf worked then I miscarried triplets, 2nd didn't work, 3rd I had a near death issue after they collected my eggs and cancelled the cycle, 4th cycle worked and I'm pregnant with a singleton and 35+4. I've been told that baby maybe measuring behind and I might need to be induced so I'm worrying about that. Anyway my cousin is pregnant from first month of trying and has been singing it from the rooftops since she got her positive pregnancy test - actually 4 weeks pregnant. Social media etc - which I'm not on. I know btw it's not her fault she got pregnant first time of trying - well done to her as I wouldn't wish my life on anyone!!! We haven't decided to find out whether we are having a boy or girl and trying to keep things on a need to know basis. She hasn't, she's told everyone the gender and name at 16 weeks. I know there's nothing wrong with that, everyone is different and I can't stop people from doing things - that's what is said in the arguments all the time. Arguments between me, my mum and sister. I cba to hear about perfect pregnancies and stuff. I'm trying to concentrate on myself but it's hard when I feel that extra pressure and guilt that my mum said she can't celebrate. I don't want pity off people etc in case something goes wrong. We have kept the infertility to ourselves apart from close friends and family however I have found out that my mum has told everyone in the family anyway. I wanted to wait till I was about 16 weeks to tell anyone I was pregnant but my mum told everyone by the time I was 7 weeks anyway (before my cousin got pregnant) I have asked her not to tell anyone my business and she said she can't stop people asking her and 'sending their love' - this is from relatives I don't see from one year to the next and don't really take an interest in me apart from coming to our wedding 5 years ago or at my grandma and grandads funeral in January... so all I say is just to say to them everything is fine. I don't even have my cousins phone number or talk to them directly. So yesterday it turned into an epic argument... as always. My mum and sister think I am ill as I'm not happy like everyone else - my cousin planned her nursery at like 8 weeks, we haven't even bought furniture yet or anything. My view is just because your pregnant doesn't mean it equals a healthy baby at the end of it. My mum also thinks I'm having a baby for the wrong reason - for myself and dh and not the family. I'm really not looking forward to getting gifts off people or visitors - which is apparently abnormal. I don't want to sound ungrateful but we don't need gifts or anything - we are fine by ourselves. The only thing we haven't bought it our pushchair as my mum and dad wanted to buy that - first grandchild and all. We firstly said no but they insisted which is lovely but if they hadn't of bought it, we would have. Our baby isn't going to go without!!!! We haven't wrote lists for people to buy, things like my cousin we have just got on with it and bought what we have wanted. We never have any visitors, never really have and I don't want people to all of a sudden to start taking an interest in our baby like some kind of 'exhibition'. Dh thinks I am ok, I feel I have to defend myself and they defend my cousin and family by saying they aren't doing anything wrong which I understand but they can't understand why I'm not telling the world and his dog. Is it wrong just to keep things private? Anyway I've got a scan on Tuesday (because of the growth issue) and of course against my wishes the whole family knows. I'm thinking of asking the consultant to give me anti depressants to make me feel happy about the pregnancy. I mean it's not unwanted or anything but we are taking it each day at a time, it's not that we aren't happy I just think dh and I darent be in case it's taken away from us. My view now is just to tell my mum as little as possible and then no one can gossip (telling everyone down the pub etc) about me. It upsets me as i feel that no one can see my point of view - apart from dh but even he rarely sticks up for me. No one else knows about the arguments or anything but the people involved my mum and sister just say I'm ill, I need help etc. Breaks my heart as I've put my mum down as my second birthing partner. I really want her there but don't know if it's just going to make it more stressful? My mum for weeks thought we were neglecting our baby by not buying a nursery bedding set, we have opted for gro bags instead and black out blinds, not full on bedding sets - like my cousin. Everyone's approach is different. We have a blanket for our child by the way (not for use in the cot though) in case anyone is wondering if our baby will have lack of warmth. I even woke up this morning still ranting about it. Dh has had enough. My mum said my dads had enough and my head feels like it's going to explode!!!!

What's everyone's opinions?? I don't really have anyone else to talk to, as I said we try and keep things to ourselves, I want to share things but just not everything. Especially bad things when people are just going to feel sorry for me and such.

Tell me if I'm ill please and shall I ask for some anti depressants tmoz?? I feel I must be ill if people are saying I am???

Thankyou if you've got this far, just a bit of a complex and awkward situation at the minute

:)

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ETA: Btw another response I get is 'wait till your baby is born and you will love people coming to see you' to which I say 'no I wont' - I don't need anyone else. Also I've been told I am neglecting my child social development. I'm a childminder, I go to play groups every day I have friends I have made that are mums etc not to mention the children who are here anyway. My child will not be socially stunted I promise you!!!

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[Johnskymberlina]

Bump because I'm desperate!!!!

[NovaArt3mis]

Hi, sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.

I don't have a lot of experience in this but I am 11 weeks following a missed miscarriage earlier this year (no other DC) and you don't sound depressed to me. You sound cautious. I've barely told anyone this time because I find it very hard to believe we'll get to take a baby home at the end of this. I've lost that naivete from the first time that pregnancy automatically means baby.

I mean I would speak to your midwife but I think if you had a more understanding DM (or she listened to your pleas) you wouldnt be doubting the way you feel. She's obviously very excited about her first grandchild and I guess feels like she's missing out on getting to share that excitement with you. But pregnancy after miscarriage is just so, so different.

I hope your scan goes well tomorrow, you're in the home straight and so close to seeing your little miracle!

[Johnskymberlina]

Nova sorry to hear of your miscarriage :( I think your right but how do I describe to her that loosing three babies in one go broke my heart and then 6 weeks later burying them in the tiniest coffin (only me and dh went) broke my heart ten times more and when I think of that day it makes me well up and then I get 'maybe you should get help, your ill' - for crying over a loss?? Unless you are lucky and never have a miscarriage I think it's one of those things you can never think how you will feel??

I don't blame you for wanting to wait, to be sure that you have every chance that the odds are in your favour and I've got everything crossed that it will be your take home baby :) how is your mum? Does the rest of your family know about your m/c? Personally we didn't choose to tell anyone apart from my parents and my sister because I don't want pity or people feeling sorry for me. Do you get support?

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[NovaArt3mis]

I'm really not sure how you would approach your mum to be honest, she sounds like hard work! But you're right in the sense that someone who's never had a miscarriage won't ever truly understand (and even then we all process it differently).

My mum was lovely after the mmc although occassionally said the wrong thing but not maliciously at all. And we've not actual told our parents this time. It's 11 days til the scan and we both kind of felt like 'no point getting their hopes up if the same thing happens', however I have told a close friend who had 3 miscarriages and she's been a saviour in this first trimester because she understands everything I'm feeling.

With your mum I would possible just say 'I'm very excited about meeting our baby but I'm still mourning the loss of my last pregnancy which makes this one feel very different. If I feel ill or overwhelmed I'll speak to my midwife.' And from then on just ignore any of the little comments that are upsetting you. It's not nice and you shouldn't have to say that at all but it doesnt sound like she'll be stopping within the next few weeks.

Do you plan to start buying things soon?(although technically nursaries don't need decorated straight away anyway!)

[Johnskymberlina]

Hi nova,

I spoke to my friends about it all and they said they can see both sides. All I constantly feel is though that my cousin is doing it all the 'right' way. Being excited, she's "having a baby" but to me being pregnant and actually having a baby are two very different things. Other people can choose to have a baby at the click of their fingers - like choosing to get a puppy. We can't, we've had four years of infertility, I've nearly died during treatment so know it's happening it's all a bit overwhelming but she can't see that side of it either - it's just well you don't have to think about that now. Hubby said to try and include her in shopping etc but whenever I do she will just say that's nice and she's looking for a present for my cousin.. how do you engage someone like that?? I said to hubby that I might just say 'let's not mention the baby anymore' but he thinks that will make matters worse. And the joke of it now is my sister starts crying?? What's it got to do with her????

No one (unless you've been through a MMC) can understand and that's how I feel constantly with them - on the defence, having to stick up for myself when I'm being compared to the perfect conception and pregnancy of my cousin...

Hope your ok and keeping positive as that's all we can do really isn't it??? :)

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[Pip84]

Hi

I have kinda had this as well from my MIL.

I had one little boy so easily who will be 4 in a few wks. His pregnancy and birth was fine. Then I fell pregnant again and had a missed miscarriage at 11 wks. I was so upset my son was only 2 at the time and he was ill so up during night day I got out of hospital after mmc. MIL decided she would come stay that night so she could get up with my son however she just got that drink cried over how my SIL split from her bf now got her 2 kids herself blah blah blah. She never once got up during he night she was snoring so loudly i could hear her through 2 rooms and i was up all night with my son whilst having bad pains from the loss.

I then fell pregnant and all she wanted to do was tell everyone from the minute we told her and we said no cos we wanted to wait till the 3/4 month scan before we told even my siblings or my in laws. She told my SIL's and they told their friends etc. I wasn't happy. We were very apprehensive through the whole pregnancy i was up at hospital all time due to reduced movements and even over movements. Was told at one point baby didn't settle then we would be kept in and probs taken in 6/7 wks early. She was telling everyone that as well. I was just sick of it.

I was then booked in for an induction at 39 wks and we said we wanted no one to know cos the induction can take few days and I didn't want anyone text all the time asking updates etc. Nooooo his mum put it all over social media and when i asked her to remove it she told me no cos it was her grandkid she can do what she wanted. I then had the baby sent a pic to my mum, dad siblings and the in laws and the in laws had it all over social media before my mum could let me aunts etc know. I was not happy. She then said she was coming to stay for a week to help with the new baby etc cos i had an emergency c section. That is when i totally put my foot down. For me and my oh this was a special time for us cos we eventually got the 2nd baby we were so wanting and she has a drink problem and we know she would just sit and drink every night.

Every time someone asks me bout kids I'm like yeah got 2 and they are like oh 2 pregnancies must have been hard and I'm like well 3 pregnancies cos we lost a baby and she is like people don't need to know that. It wasn't a baby just bit of tissue etc. She says i need to get help cos we do mention baby on anniversary and due date but she just says wasn't even a baby.

Im now 34 wks pregnant and for this baby we have basically told her nothing. Told her we are pregnant and when roughly due date is. We are booked in for a c section 5 wks today and she doesn't know cos i don't want people knowing. We just have to keep things from her and i don't like doing it but it is what we need to do. I am also when i go into hospital deleting my social media accounts so that she cant post anything to me but my oh has decided we tell my aunts etc this time before we do her which i think is bad for us to have to do that.

You need to remember this is YOUR baby. Yes she might be excited over her first (well 4th!) grandkid however needs to realise she doesn't understand what it means to have the anxiety before baby is born. Just try and keep calm for the remainder of your pregnancy as that is what will be best for the baby. You don't need tablets etc. U are doing what most people that have lost a baby do until
Baby is here. I have bought a few clothes for hospital for baby and that is it. We will do shopping after baby born.

I don't like loads of visitors either esp ones that just turn up.

Do this you and your oh's way and if you need to put foot down and let mum know that if doesn't back off a bit you will need to keep stuff back

Hope you can try relax and enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. It is hard but hopefully in a few wks you will have a lovely baby bundle xx

[Johnskymberlina]

Thankyou pip. I'm sorry for your loss :(. The other thing is after trying for 4 years - that she's told everyone. Went to Czech Republic - told everyone as well and she couldn't understand why we wanted to keep it private and our business.

We have also had the social media chat haha!!! Dh and I aren't on any social media on purpose. I've told her one picture at birth but that's it without me saying, nothing showing face etc. I know I sound picky but people I know snoop and I remember seeing a girl in greggs who I would NEVER speak to but my friend told me her baby's name and when she was born etc and I just thought that's so wrong isn't it??

To be a pregnancy doesn't equal a baby and my mum can't get her head around that at all.....
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[puglife15]

Hey how's it going, must be around your due date now? Hope all is well.

I think your mum is being really unfair. This is your baby not hers. I'd keep her at arms length a bit. All the stuff about grobags and buying gifts is just superficial nonsense.

I also think that unless you've had a MC / MMC it's really difficult to understand just how much it affects and upsets you for a long time. It does sound like you are anxious, but it's understandable why I think.
You've gone through a lot. I would just keep an eye on how you are feeling after the birth though.