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PND advice

(5 Posts)
MrsSJP Fri 05-May-17 21:01:50

Sorry to add to the pnd threads but I just feel like I need to let it all out and see what your opinions are.

My daughter was born in July last year, luckily it was summer so my husband was off work for 7 weeks with us. When he went back to work, I suddenly found it really hard. I had pnd symptoms- crazy thoughts about hurting my baby, though I know I never would. One night I was convinced I had pnd and I cried for hours and while my husband was supportive, he was convincing me otherwise so I thought everything would be fine and that I definitely don't have it.

Fast forward, my daughter is 10 months old. I recently saw a friend who said she was worried about me, after we had spoken and going by some of the things I was saying, she said I reminder her of her when she was having a hard time and had pnd. Since she spoke to me, I've been feeling really down. I'm not sure if it's a sudden realisation because I'm still convinced I don't have it, it just comes in waves.

My daughter was born by emergency c section and when she was born I never felt the instant bond that I thought all mothers had, there was no rush of sudden love, I felt pretty out of it and I remember hours after when I was going to try and feed her for the first time, she was crying and the HCA was telling me to talk to her and try to calm her down because she'll recognise my voice and I just laid there staring at her. Recently she was making noise and wouldn't sleep, I was getting really frustrated and I just wanted to pinch her. I obviously didn't but felt like the thoughts of hurting her are maybe coming back?! To this day, I feel that this isn't the fairytale everyone makes it out to be, though my husband and I have always wanted to children, don't get me wrong, I bloody love my little girl and would never do her any harm.

I am incredibly self conscious and while people say oh my body made a baby, it's so amazing, I don't mind that my body won't be the same, I agree our body's are amazing but I don't let the fact I've had a baby be an excuse for having a flabby belly and a body I'm unhappy with- it's something I'm struggling with. I had ups and downs wih food in my teen years and I feel that I want to be happy with myself so that my daughter grows up with a love of healthy food, not watching her mum criticise herself but it's something I really can't help.

Sometimes I resent my husband. He teaches more than I do so I look after her most of the day. When I'm with her, I sleep when she sleeps, feel like I don't achieve anything, not done and washing, not done any dishes, there's no urgency and when my husband comes in the door and starts tidying after me, I get really annoyed with him as if to say leave it, I will do it, I can manage. But when my husband looks after her, he's done all the washing, all the cleaning and I feel like I let down because 90% of the time it doesn't happen with me.

I could also sleep for days, I don't feel like I have depression because reading online, it says a sign is not wanting to get out of bed. I don't get the feeling of wanting to stay in bed for days but I nap when she naps, I sit on the sofa for two minutes and I fall asleep. When I nap at the same time and she wakes up before I do, I wake up like urghhh I was sleeping, I'm so tired. My friend was saying that sleeping all the time is a sign of depression. I laughed and I'm not sure why. It's definitely not funny but I'm unsure whether I have classic pnd signs or if it's just life and adjusting to being a new mum- I've always been a tired person so surely this is just it. I'm wondering why, after we spoke, I have been feeling really down. I cried last night after our conversation and I cried today. I took a drive today and went for a walk to get some fresh air and it made me feel better than I would have felt if I'd stayed inside. My husband said today he is worried about me, since I spoke to my friend, I've been really quiet and upset. I'm not sure if I'm in denial or actually this is just life and the changing world of being a mother.

I don't want to speak to a doctor, I don't want anyone to worry about me or for anyone to label me. I just want to know if anyone else has had/ is having these feelings. Even just to write this, I feel tense and my heart is racing but I feel it's okay because it's sort of anonymous and no one can judge me.

wankbadgers Sun 07-May-17 09:56:32

Massive hug and hand hold for you flowers

I've been there. It was such a dark time for me. I can't type a full reply now but will be back later. Didn't want to read and run.

It will get better. I promise.

wankbadgers Sun 07-May-17 12:57:12

Right. I'm back. This post might be a bit rambly but bear with me.

Firstly, you are doing a fucking amazing job. Being a mum is HARD. So bloody hard. You must, must give yourself credit.

A few questions...

Do you have family nearby? Do you get out of the house each day? This is a must if you aren't feeling 100%. It can be hard but once you're out, whether it be to a baby group or just for a walk, you will feel better, as you mentioned.

Have you spoken to your DH? Please tell him how you're feeling.

I went to the GP when I woke up in floods of tears one day when DS2 was about four months old. She didn't put me on meds or anything but she did get the HV to come and see me for a chat. It was helpful. You should think about seeing your GP; they won't label you and trust me, they see SO many people in the same boat. Speaking to someone is not an indication that you're a shit mum, in fact it's quite the opposite. I felt so much better once I'd bawled my eyes out and got everything off my chest.

The root cause of my depression was actually BFing and DS2 not sleeping. Once he was weaned onto a bottle he started sleeping and my cloud of darkness sodded off. How much sleep do you get at night? What does DH do to help? Do you have friends who you can trust and open up to?

Whatever happens, I promise one day you will look back on this and it will be in the past. Part of your story, but in the past. When I was in the midst of my PND I felt like life was over, I wished I'd never had DS2. But as time went on he got so much easier and so did life.

Hang in there flowers

MrsSJP Sun 07-May-17 15:46:20

Thanks so much for the reply.
I don't have any family nearby, my family are an hour and a half away and husbands family are two and a half. I work in a boarding school so I have to live in the school and I'm not allowed offsite unless it's my one day off a week as I'm the only female. We are moving over the summer and I'm going to go part time so I'm hoping that will help a bit so I have time to do things for myself aswell.

I chose to speak to my husband last night, I messaged him the link while he was working and his reply was ahh that's good l, nice you can get all your emotions out and it made me angry. That's good? What's good about that?!! Then later he said not going to top yourself are you? Well no I don't feel like I am but that's not the kind of thing you need to be asking surely? I know he's only trying to help and be strong for me though.

Little one sleeps 12 hours most nights, so I get about 8 hours average. She is literally the perfect baby, she is so happy, sleeps and eats amazingly well, I don't know why I feel like this because surely I should be jumping for joy that she is so well behaved so it makes me feel even more guilty. The last month or two, I have been having such deep sleeps, if she does stir in the night, my husband always gets up because I never hear her but it used to be the other way round. I don't even hear him get up in the morning and his noise always used to wake me up. He wakes up 30mins before me so takes the dog out, gets the baby sorted etc. So I have plenty of sleep but it just seems that it's never enough, I'm always so tired and wanting to nap multiple times a day.

I have an amazing friend- the one who originally said I remind her of her. She's the first person I have properly spoken to. I know she's always there for me but she has her own family and she works long hours so I don't want to keep texting her and be a burden on her. I trust her with my life and love her to bits, she's definitely the person I confide in most about all of this. I told another friend last night because I was upset and needed someone to talk to but didn't want to disturb my other friend. The friend I told last night has had depression so I thought she'd understand too. She came to see me today and I had such a lovely day, she really helped to take my mind off everything. I don't think being stuck in the flat nearly 24/7 helps either.

Since my friend spoke to me on Thursday, I've cried every day since but still don't want to go to the doctor. I think I'm going to wait a while and see how I feel because for me that's a last resort. I'm starting to think maybe I'm in denial and now it's been picked up on, perhaps I'm so upset because I know it's true and I know that it's difficult and maybe I do need help. But I don't want it. So I'll just see how it goes and hopefully it gets better x

user1494977322 Wed 17-May-17 00:50:07

I'm 26 with my first baby. I'm a single mother and the father wants nothing to do with her unfortunately. Had my baby on the 22nd April and the birth was so traumatic it has put me off having any more kids in the future. I went into labour as normal and had contractions for 17 hours. There were many complications such as the epidural not working first time etc. At the end.. my pulse and heart rate was far too high so they had to decide what they were going to do as it was stressing the baby. They decided I needed an emergency section. They couldn't get a spinal in so I had to be put under which was horrible. I honestly didn't think I would have woke back up. To be honest, I don't remember much in the hospital. I was really out of it because of all the pain medication. The worst part was how I was treated... by most (not all) the midwives. I am very inexperienced with babies and children for that matter. I was n so much pain I couldn't even sit up on bed and the staff weren't helpful at all. My baby would cry every minute of the day unless sleeping and no one would help me. I think this triggered my depression from the start. I couldn't bear being in there myself and alone with the baby so I left the hospital the day after my section. It took me nearly 3 weeks to get to a place where I am able to look after my baby on my own due to health reasons from the section etc however I am still pretty sore. I am with a partner who is not the babies dad however he is treating her as if she is his own and he has been really supportive as have friends and family. However.. I still can't shake the feeling of being very alone and it really hurts me. I live on my own so it doesn't help. My baby cries a lot and I have taken her to the hospital to get checked out. They suggest she has colic and also could have been over fed. This is due to the midwife telling me she should be on 5 ounce when she should actually only be on 3 ounce for her weight! I am giving her medicine for colic.. tried new bottles, got gripe water in.. trying everything to make her more relaxed and stop screaming but nothing works. I feel like the worst mother that I cannot comfort her or make her stop crying. I have cried for about 3 hours straight tonight because of her and it's making me feel so depressed. I barely sleep and I think it's making me worse. I go back to work in 2 weeks time as well so I hope she gets better and I can get her into more of a routine. Any advice would help

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