I was wondering what your thoughts were on my current situation. Firstly before I start my partner is an incredible mother to our child. The best mother I could have wished for our child. She's is a kind hearted all be it stubborn as mule, warm conciderate women. The love of my life and my absolute world. She's works as an a&e nurse in the local major hospital. So here goes.
I recently split from my partner of 2 and half years. We were living together and have a 10 month old little boy.
Firstly my partner has suffered from depression in the past. She was on anti depressants before we conceive our 1st child. She stop taking them to conceive. I have no idea if she consulted a gp over this. She never told me and I didn't ask. I've read since that this was a big no no and highly not recommended. I know she hasn't returned to her anti depressants since giving birth.
Our sex life has rapidly decreased since we conceive our 1st child. I can count the number of times we've had sex on 1 hand since we conceived 19 months ago. I never forced my partner to resume our sexual relationship as I understood that our child's needs came first and that would resume in time. I'll freely admit to becoming slightly frustrated.
We rarely spend anytime together as a family or as a couple. She actively encouraged me to continue playing football on Saturdays,the only realistic day we could spend together. I encouraged her to go out with friends whenever she felt like it as I knew she needed a break too.
My partner had recently started complaining that I wasn't doing enough around the flat. That she felt like she was doing all the housework and the cooking as well as looking after our son. She also complained of tiredness. She would go to bed at around 11:30pm and I know she hasn't been sleeping through the night.
I work nights. I would leave for work at around 8:30pm and return at 7:30am. My role then would be to feed our son his breakfast bottle, change him and then I would use my only spare hour in the day to bond with him. At 9am I would begin to prepare his breakfast. After this I would brush his teeth, clean the bottles and do the washing up from the night before and my sons breakfast items. My partner would get up at around 10:30/11am. I thought it was the least I could considering I wasn't there during the night. I would then get to sleep at around midday and wake at 6:15pm to have a little play with my son and help prepare him for bed. Before I would prepare for my daily routine to recycle. I was getting around 6 hours sleep a day while my partner was in bed for at least 11 hours. I couldn't understand how she could be tired.
I have helped out around the flat as much as I could. I clean the toilets, sinks and showers and it was my job to take out the bins and recycling. I would also change the bedsheets.
My partner would complain also that I was constantly letting her down and that didn't offer my support when she needed it and that I didn't listen to her.
My partner feels that this isn't enough and I'll admit I could have helped out more with the cooking and cleaning whilst offering my support to her. I was doing the best I could but felt like it wasn't enough.
I first started to get a feeling that my partner was unhappy when she started having a go at me for little things. Forgetting to open windows and folding over the hot crossed buns so they don't go stale. Please know that I didn't do these things deliberately. I was just getting to worn down and tired that these things went out of my head.
I left a plate on the side one afternoon and she hit the roof. Ironically when I returned home from work she had left a plate, glass and knife in the sink ready for me to clean because of my nature I just cleaned up without saying anything about it.
My partner decided she needed a break and went down to visit her parents. I used this time to make sure the flat was cleaned from top to bottom and was even preparing to cook for her on her return. She was pleased. A relief. But when I was cooking I had forgotten to wash my hands whilst preparing the chicken and we then got into a major argument about everything. I asked her if she wanted to me to leave and she said no. The next day we attend a family lunch and acted like everything was ok.
Things came to head whilst we went on holiday to butlins the next week. She had invited her step sister to spend the 1st couple of days with us. I thought that was strange but didn't say anything. I bought food for us on the evening and felt tired and went to bed. We had agreed that we would split the parental duties which I was happy to do. But even when I was doing these things she kept making comments about it. If I was 10 seconds late grabbing the bottle she would tell me. I was trying my best. The next day I suggested that her and her step sister go to bingo and that I'd wash up. Which I did, but sink wasn't big enough to fit all the items on so I left them to dry and put the pans in for soak. Fully intending on doing them the next morning. Big mistake. I then woke at 6:45 and my son about 10 minutes later. I quickly got up so he wouldn't disturb my partner but she was already awake and proceeced to tell me that wasn't his routine and I was wrong again. Things got worse as the day went along and we broke up. It felt like no matter what I did it was wrong and she was using me as a punching bag.
I asked to to reconsider and suggested counselling. She flat out refused. I suggested we talk to her dad as I know he is the one person who she would listen too. Again she told me not to contact her dad under any circumstances as he had enough stress to deal with.
Now I'll admit that I didn't give her any space. I was panicking and texted her that I loved her and wanted to come home and that I taken her for granted. Things I'm not proud of. I should have given her space but I felt like she wasn't even considering it.
We arranged that I could see my son one weekend and I asked her if she had told her nieces that we had split yet. I adore these kids and them me. I knew that when she told them are relationship would really be over. She texted me to tell me she'd told them when I had my son and I saw red. I even threatened to take her to court. Again not my proudest moment.
Since our split I've been in utter turmoil. I've not been sleeping or eating and feel like I'm heading towards my own breakdown I sought comfort in friends and they advised me that my partner could be suffering from post natal depression.
My partner has since completely erased any evidence of me from our home and appears to be happier in her life. She is always seeking the comfort of her family and is often around their houses.
To top it off her brother has cheated on his partner and her sister in law is constantly texting my partner for advice. More stress for her.
When we have talked she has used phrases like " I was a really terrible partner if I had no idea she was that unhappy", " That she dreads the thought of me being in the flat" and " That I'm a not a good father " . These thoughts aren't that of the women I feel in love with. They don't seem like reasonable behaviour.
When the suggested of post natal depression was brought up I dismissed it instantly but the more I spoke to people the more it was told that it could be it. So I read up on it and a lot of the warning signs are there.
I tried to speak to her brother and sister in law about it but they just dismissed it instantly. They didn't even give me a chance to say anything. It feels like she's turned her entire family against me.
I'm a good, kindhearted, thoughtful person at heart and didn't mean to cause my partner any stress at all. I love both her and my son so much that I'm lost without them.
I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. My partner has returned to work and could lose her job if she gets critical decision wrong and cost someone their life.
Could this be post natal depression?
What can I do about it if it is?
Who should I approach about it?
Is my partner being irrational?
Or is this all in my own head and the relationship is over and I need to move on?
Sorry for the long post.
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