PND/anxiety and rage towards DS

[munchymoo]

DS is 14 months old. I have struggled for months with feelings of frustration surrounding certain things eg not settling for naps, continuous grizzling/whinging, DS rolling over on nappy changing table and refusing to be changed etc - I know all these things are normal to be frustrated about but in my case the frustration is immense and turns to feelings of rage and I literally have to leave the room I am so wound up.

I have been seeing a therapist and she has diagnosed me with PND and anxiety and thinks the angry feelings stem from my anxiety which makes sense. I have also just started my periods again after 14 months postpartum (still BF) which hormonally could be contributing to the feelings. We have discussed medication but right now have decided to try to make some lifestyle changes to see if that has enough of an effect.

I feel so guilty. I know that rage can be a manifestation of PND but I've never read much about it being directed at your baby. Obviously I don't hurt DS and never would, but I have shouted at him, picked him up too quickly in frustration and put him down a bit roughly. These are times when I should leave the room but I react before I've had a chance to think straight. I also bite my hand during these "episodes" purely to relieve the anger/frustration and have marks all over my hands. It feels like my rational brain leaves the room and my fight or flight response just takes over.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm not an angry person generally and I don't show rage towards DH or anyone else. DH is massively supportive and currently is doing all the nights so I can get some sleep. We are having a nanny start asap 3 days per week so I can get back to work and hoping that this will help.

Has ANYONE ever suffered from this? I feel like a monster. 99% of the time I am an attentive loving mother and DS and I have lots of fun and cuddles together but when these episodes happen (they are happening most days at the moment) I feel like a monster and the worst mother in the world, once he's gone to bed I spend the evening in tears racked with guilt. Please can anyone relate.

[delilahbucket]

It was around the same time period I was like this. DS was 14 months. I decided to take control of something i could change. The baby weight i had gained only added to my depression so i started running and calorie counting. All in a healthy way, but a combination of having something else to focus on and getting exercise really made a difference for me.
You can beat it without pills. It might just be trial and error while you find what helps

[merrymissy]

Firstly a huge well done for seeking help - it isn't easy taking that step!

Babies and children feed off our moods and emotions so when you are really frustrated at your little one - try to remember he/she is probably responding to your anxiety by getting upset and fussy. ( i don't mean this to make you feel worse but just someone said it to me once when i felt frustrated with my lg and it helped me focus during particularly bleak times). I agree with the above that you need to get the basics of self-care right first - sleep, nutrition and excercise....the last one being the biggest natural mood booster! Genuinely try to remember that it is normal for them to 'play up' and distraction often works best and if all fails, baby TV and a biscuit is fine just so you both can calm down :) Good Luck - stay strong! you are not alone! and i would say don't be afraid to take the medication route if other options not working. That is what they are they for and you dont know until you try them.