What's wrong with her

[Chemistria]

Hi

Sorry if this comes across as being blunt

In a lesbian relationship we have one child already. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and OH is 14 weeks pregnant through IVF.

I never ever thought it was a good idea from the start, for us both to be pregnant at the same time but she was adamant we could cope.

She's been trying for well over 2 years to get pregnant, had a blighted ovum in Jan 15.

So anyway, she had IVF in August and the first few weeks were bloody stressful because she kept bleeding on and off until 12 weeks, and we thought so many times she was losing it.

About 10 weeks she started feeling very nauseous and 11 weeks started being sick quite badly and has been diagnosed with HG after a hospital stay and drip she's on meds now.

What I'm really worried about is she says daily she wishes she wasn't pregnant, she feels nothing towards it, hopes she has a miscarriage, considering abortion, and I'm sick of hearing it.

She says she's happy about MY pregnancy , we are having a little girl, but doesn't want hers.

I can't help but feel anger and disappointment towards her. It's not like this happened by accident.

And the child might not be anything to do with me biologically but I already have feelings towards it, as I do towards my own.

Does this sound like depression or that she's just .... I don't know, not maternal. I don't understand it, I don't feel like I can give her sympathy when she's saying she doesn't care if she has a MC.

Please help.

[Chemistria]

Bump

[Chemistria]

I know I haven't had any replies but will just keep posting in the hope someone does help one day.

Yesterday she stayed in bed until 6pm, didn't even want to get up then but I said I was going out for an hour. Lucky me.

This morning I have a 4D scan , I'm 29 weeks. She said she's not coming as she doesn't want to see the baby and is "sick of having babies shoved down her throat"

So much for not being disinterested in my pregnancy too. Felt sorry for her yesterday but now I'm just angry and upset again.

She hasn't been to a scan since my 15 week gender scan.

She talked yesterday again about wishing she'd had an abortion early on , and still hoping for a miscarriage. I feel so alone I don't know what the hell to do.

[lcoc2015]

Didnt want to read and run but it does sound like pre natal depression. The HG can make you feel very low too. Would you speak to your gp about her? I know there are meds you can take while pregnant?

[lcoc2015]

Sorry ante natal not prenatal depresssion

[ProseccoPoppy]

I have no practical experience and can't really help but didn't want to read and run. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope the scan goes well.

She sounds really low - has she said any of this to her midwife? They may be able to refer her for some MH support?

Best of luck though.

[fairgame84]

It sounds like she is not coping with the pregnancy. Can you encourage her to speak to her midwife or access some counselling?
If she is really against the pregnancy then she needs to seriously consider her options before it is too late.

[treehousethunderstorm]

Hi Chemistria

I dont think i can be much help and hope someone will be along soon with some advice for you. I had some scares during pregnancy and felt very depressed afterwards, I felt like I would be a terrible mother if I couldn't even keep the baby safe before they arrived. I felt some terrible things but talking to my DH and friends helped. I didn't realise that depression during pregnancy happened like that, I thought it was just postnatal.

It sounds to me as if your OH needs some professional counselling to work through how she is feeling. I hope that this is only temporary and you will be able to get through it. Like I said though hopefully someone else will be along with better advice

[Pinkkahori]

I agree with depression. When I had HG it made me very depressed. I have never felt so low in my life.
I didn't deal with it at all and ended up with awful PND.
I felt so ill for so long with the HG that i lost interest in everything. I really just didn't have the energy to care.

[Chemistria]

Thanks for the replies all of you. I don't know how to quote posts / posters on here.

I would be happy to speak to a GP but I don't know if they would speak to me? The midwives here aren't very good, anything that's not general by-the-book spiel they don't seem to know what to say to.

She has a GP apt on Wednesday to get a sick note for last week, but I know she won't say how she's feeling to them, or she'll make it a joke like it's been sounding to other people. (If you can make abortion sound like a joke).

I think I will try and speak to a doctor today, she saw a really nice one the other day when she was admitted to hospital.

She said the other day she'd even considered suicide as she felt so trapped. Feel like I'm out of my depth , which is an understatement.

The suicide statement was a throwaway comment I think, but still, it shocked me.

Thanks for the replies I needed to know that it does sound like she needs help. She's so f*ing stubborn though getting her to accept help will be difficult.

[Chemistria]

Thanks to the last 2 posters too who replied while I was typing my reply.

Pinkkahori how long did it take you to feel ok and what helped?

[ProseccoPoppy]

Chemistria could you afford a private midwife? She perhaps could see both of you jointly sometimes? As I understand it maternity services in some areas are very stretched (I was lucky with my midwife and live rurally where there seems to be good resourcing but it sounds like that isn't the case for you). That level of 1-to-1 time might perhaps help? Someone experienced but able to focus on OH and you without the NHS time constraints.

[Chemistria]

I didn't know there were private midwives. That's a good idea, do I just type in private midwife near me?? Onto Google?

[Chemistria]

Good news, got a doctors apt for today with the nice doctor she saw last week. She spoke to me and I explained exactly what OH has been saying the last few days / weeks and we are going down at 12.30.

OH seems really pissed off with me but I don't really care, hope I'm doing the right thing though.

But this isn't normal behaviour from her is it.

I'm worried when we get there she'll just make jokes and say she's fine :-/

[Chemistria]

Well that really didn't go as planned. She went in on her own, said whatever she needed to say and the doctor has booked her a pre abortion counselling session. I am completely devastated and can't stop crying. So much for thinking she'd be getting help. She said she hasn't decided yet whether to even go to it .

Realised as well, ironically, today would have been the due date of the blighted ovum pregnancy she lost .

I want to scream at her and tell her not to be so selfish but I guess if she feels that bad that she doesn't know whether she could go on living, what can I do?!!!? How the hell do I support her because I don't.

Legally because she had IVF I'm down as the other parent and yes it's not mine biologically but it's my baby in my heart.

[stitchglitched]

I had severe HG with my last pregnancy and I ended up very depressed as a result. I was drained both mentally and physically and also considered termination. I ended up with bad PND and my DD is now nearly 2 but my mental health is fragile to say the least.

I actually think the counselling session is a really good idea. She can talk through her feelings with someone neutral and decide where she is at. FWIW my pregnancy was planned after a traumatic MC but that doesn't always make a difference when HG and AND occurs, except to make you feel even more shitty and guilty than you do already.

[Veggiesupremeextracheese]

God you poor thing, do you think it's the hg making her feel like this? Is she still being disinterested in your pregnancy?

How was your scan?

Could she find out the sex of the baby, so that she may be able to bond with it a bit more?

[Chemistria]

Hi both. Thanks for your replies.

The HG has got loads better now she's on medication - she hasn't been sick since hospital but is still feeling drained.

The feelings she says did start about the time she started to feel ill- but I guess it's impossible to know if it's related or coincidence.

I went to my scan (on my own) she hasn't even asked to see the pictures. 😪

The lady who scanned me said from seeing OH before, it doesn't surprise her when I said what's going on. (Private scan , I know the lady who owns it so we go there quite a lot)

I've got home and she said she doesn't think she can go through with it, that apparently the doc said the only other counselling she could refer her to is the type they have in A&E when people take an overdose.

I truly hope she changes her mind, and realised its not the right decision.

Cried all the way home after my scan, maybe I'm being selfish as I'm just thinking about how I feel and her / our baby, and not OH.

Thanks for all the replies I really appreciate it. I just assumed after IVF / any sort of conception difficulties and no matter how much the pregnancy was wanted, you couldn't feel like this. X

[ProseccoPoppy]

Oh you poor thing it all sounds so hard. If you did want to look into a private midwife this may be a starting point www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/choosing-independent-midwife

Also the nct have lovely helplines - perhaps they could lend an ear/provide some practical advice?

Hope it all improves in time

[Chemistria]

Hi Prosecco

thanks for the link, I will have a look now.

She said again this morning she doesn't think she could go through with it - surely at this counselling session if they think she will seriously regret it, they won't suggest it?!?!! I honestly think she would never ever get over what she did. I know what she's like, shes impulsive, she blocks things out for years and buries them deep but they subconsciously affect her behaviour.

After wanting to be pregnant for so long how could she even contemplate it (obviously i know if she has ante natal depression this could be why, but ....argh. too much to think about).

Struggling to "be supportive", I'm finding it difficult to talk to her at the moment, to know what to say apart from "please don't do it" .

[Tixy]

Hi there,

I don't post very often but I just wanted to let you know that I had horrific antenatal depression and your partner's symptoms sound very much like the ones I experienced.
My pregnancy was very much planned and I was very happy until about week 5/6 when the hormones hit me like a brick wall. I too felt trapped, terrified and was constantly talking about having a termination as I was desperate for the feelings to stop. My husband was absolutely furious and very scared.
I started on a low dose of antidepressants at 11 weeks which did nothing until it was increased at 24 weeks and within a week it was literally like someone had switched the light back on. I'd always been affected in the past with hormones with the pill, PMT etc but this experience was something else.
I guess what I am trying to say is that antenatal depression is a very real and frightening illness but it is treatable with the right support. Although awareness is getting better, there are still big gaps in knowledge particuarly amongst GPs. My GP was completely clueless and also said that she would refer me to an abortion service when it was quite clear that there was some kind of mental illness going on.
I would say go back to the GP and keep shouting until someone can help you.
That first part of my pregnancy was the most terrifying time of my life but now I have my son and I would suffer it all again for him.

All the very best and please message me if you would like to.

[Chemistria]

Hi Tixy

wow ... yes that does sound similar. I assumed all GP's would know how to deal with it especially as she was a young ish female GP who had had a difficult pregnancy (she told us that last week when OH went in for sickness)

do you know I think I'm going to show my partner your message, I'll send it to myself as she doesnt know I'm on mumsnet.

I don't understand why the option of anti depressants wasn't given, it was more like ok so what's the cause of this issue - the Baby]

what's the solution - get rid of the baby .

I will let you know.

I will probably message you with more questions if that's ok, I'm at work at the moment.

[Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden]

Hi, I had really bad hyperemesis with Dd1 which led to anaemia, with a low vitamin B12 blood level. This is quite common in pregnancy and it csn make you feel really awful and unable to cope. It would really be worth getting bloods done. Specifically Serum B12 but also Haemoglobin, Ferritin and Vitamin D.

I ended up with a Ferritin level of 2 where the normal range is I think 14-150 can't remember what the B12 was but I was a different person when it was corrected.

[Veggiesupremeextracheese]

I work in mental health, and she really needs to be referred urgently to the specialist mental health midwife team, where she will be able to also access proper psychiatric evaluation and support, this doctor that she saw yesterday sounds dreadful to not go through her options other than abortion!

[Chemistria]

thanks rosegarden and veggie.

Ok I'm going to speak to her when I get home from work, and I've also copied a few of these comments to show her.

would we speak to the local MW's to be referred?

[Rocket1982]

This sounds like severe antenatal depression amplified by the HG. Even though your OH is now medicated and not throwing up, she is probably still feeling very rough. HG doesnt start to improve for moat people until around 30 weeks. I had HG in 2 pregnancies and especially in the first one I fantasized about abortion. I never would have actually done it. But I dont think I had depression on top of the HG. How is your OH's nausea? If its not fully controlled, there is a great HG thread which can provide great supprt and advice. Sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful.