Will I ever not hate myself?

[maybethedayafter]

I know that I need to go back to the doctor and have my medication increased but I just don't have the energy or the motivation to do it.

I feel so completely crap about myself. I'm so low. I don't like who I am. I feel like I've let everyone down. I didn't go to my CBT session last week because I just couldn't face it. I didn't want to go along and try to help myself, I wanted to wallow in how shit I feel. I know that's stupid. I've tried really hard for a long time to make it better, for once I didn't want to try. I don't even have the energy to cry about it. Inside I'm sobbing. But outwardly I'm just...blank. Nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad, just nothing. I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep. I do but if I do then it will be tomorrow where I have to put on a happy, smiley persona and look after both children. If I stay awake at least I can be nothing for a little while longer. I like nothing. Nothing is comforting and safe. It's not scary of daunting or exciting or traumatic, it's just nothing.

[Awakendreamin]

I can say that I can relate and I hope you find someone to talk to who can help you through this. It's ok to feel how you feel.