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When my baby arrives I won't be able to hold him, skin to skin, or feed him

(17 Posts)
Nikki2ol6 Sun 18-Sep-16 10:50:06

When my baby is born I won't be able to hold him for more than 3 minuets then he's to be taken away, I won't be able to meet him again until I am discharged from the hospital. Once I get to the other hospital where he will be waiting he's going to be tube fed, on a lot of machines and I won't be able to pick him up or hold him. There is going to be a lot of doctors there and this could last weeks or months. I won't be able to bond with him and I am dreading him being born I just want to stay pregnant forever where we can stay close. All of that mixed in with hormones and not being able to sleep in the same room as him has me demented already and I feel I may crack up completely once he's here and I'm so scared

MadameJosephine Sun 18-Sep-16 10:53:50

I'm sorry to hear that your baby is going to need treatment at birth flowers

Have you spoken to a member of the neonatal team? They can often find ways to help with bonding. It may not be the experience you planned but they can hopefully make it as positive as possible, for you and your baby

LIZS Sun 18-Sep-16 10:58:13

Try not to be so hard on yourself. flowers You can still bond with your baby, just by being there , stroking his hand, talking. Can your partner, family member or even a nurse take pictures and send them over while you are apart. The nurses will encourage ways in which you can be involved in your baby's care. Have you visited the unit he will be transferred to, met the staff, talked through the treatment options and so on.

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Sep-16 11:09:50

Nikki, I'm so sorry your baby will need care at first, but you bond just by looking at the baby. You'll be able to sit close to him and look at him and pretty soon you'll notice he's looking at you, too. He'll know you from your touch, too, and your smell. It's all very intense and it's not just from holding him. Best of luck with the birth and speak to your midwife about your fears.

PenguinsAreAce Sun 18-Sep-16 11:20:26

Hi Nikki
I am really sorry to hear your baby is going to need so much medical help. It sounds really frightening and worrying for you, especially knowing you will be separated so fast and for so long.

Have you heard of Bliss? They are a charity focused on babies born sick or prematurely and their families. They have lots of sources of support that could be useful for you.

I hope it all goes as well as possible for you flowers.

ImYourMama Sun 18-Sep-16 11:20:48

I'm very likely to be in the same position OP, my doctors have been amazing and have explained what they can do at each stage to help me interact with my baby, as well as what DH can do to get involved.

I don't know if this is applicable but they encouraged me to consider expressing breast milk, as then it's still 'me' feeding her, and it's something she needs me for. It may not be appropriate for you but maybe think about it?

Also, I've got her a couple of items of clothing that I've bought in duplicate so that I can have her babygro to cuddle up with when she's wearing the same. It's going to be very hard but your baby will know their mama and nothing will change thatflowers

Nikki2ol6 Sun 18-Sep-16 11:40:20

They asked us to make an app to go to where he will be but there is going to be a lot of very poorly babies who have just came out of heart surgery, this is what they want us to see and speak to other parents, and see th accommodation where we can sleep and live. I don't feel ready to see it but they said it's better we do so when it's our turn it won't be as bad. But I feel it will make this whole thing more real and I am not ready. We only spoke to one midwkfe and we are to meet her a few more times before the birth and talk it all over so that one time we met was the day we got our diagnosis so right then it was more questions of while he Survive, will he live a normal life after his ops. So now we have had time to think about it all there is a lot more questions.

TwigTheWonderKid Sun 18-Sep-16 11:48:33

I think you will find it reassuring to visit the nnu. That way, when you are apart, you will be able to picture him where he is until you can be with him.

Is there no possibility you can deliver your baby in the hospital where he will be treated?

The staff at the nnu will help you to become involved in your baby's care and to help you bond. Expressing breast milk for your baby is an excellent way of doing this and will also aid his recovery.

mumblechum0 Sun 18-Sep-16 11:51:26

Both of mine were in SCBU for several weeks, the youngest needed surgery 4 hours after birth at a different hospital.

To be honest, it did take a while to bond with both of them, partly because they were both very very poorly and I didn't know if they'd survive, partly just because of the stress of the whole situ (I didn't know in advance that either would need special care).

All I can advise is to be there as much as possible. You will probably be allowed to take the baby out of the incubator occasionally for a cuddle, and also to sit next to the incubator with your hand through a hole, stroking whichever bit of skin you can manage.

I did very much bond with both of them after we were able to start doing a lot of the cares, and obviously when we took them home.

Sending all the very best of luck to you all.

LIZS Sun 18-Sep-16 11:54:33

Visiting is a good idea, it will help you visualise where your baby is and understand what is happening. Can you ask MW if someone could accompany you or contact one of the heart related charities for support. It must all feel very scary at the moment but worse is fearing the unknown and beyond your control.

Cousin's Ds was only diagnosed with serious rare heart defects late in pg so they had little time to assimilate the implications. However when he was born the immediate surgery anticipated was not required for a few months . The team will prepare you for different scenarios so you can be prepared for the treatment plan to change once lo arrives. Their Ds is now 10 and although facing further treatment as he develops , is fit and well. Fingers crossed your Ds will face a positive future.

Toocold Sun 18-Sep-16 11:57:32

This is exactly where I am, even down to the heart condition, though I suspect it's probably different, I have also done this with my daughter, and it will be incredibly hard and stressful but you will come out stronger than you ever knew you were capable of. You'll be able to sit with your baby, you'll be able to talk to them, that helped me and will again, even if you can hold them. Have you contacted Heartline for advice? What's helped me is being practical, getting ready, preparing for not having the choice to breastfeed, reading about it all, what are the best baby grows for wires etc. My dd is 11 now and although it is hard this time, it is oddly easier as I know what to expect, we have bonded and it did take time, but that could b the case anyway for hundreds of reasons. Take care of you and take it a day at a time and if you need to cry, cry x

Toocold Sun 18-Sep-16 12:00:55

Also, sorry I keep doing this on threads, thinking of different things , is depending on the type of birth you have, you can discharge yourself, I did with my daughter and they found me a bed at the hospital she was transferred to, in the middle of the night and my husband stayed too, my card was transferred to their midwives, obviously this depends on how you are afterwards, I had an instrumental birth, and another lady a caesarean and she did the same, it was hard and the recovery was difficult but it helped.

sallysparrow157 Sun 18-Sep-16 12:05:56

I've looked after lots of babies before and after cardiac surgery. It's bloody hard for mums and dads but you will be well looked after, be allowed to spend as much time as you want with your baby and although you won't be able to cuddle him straight away you'll be able to hold his hand, stroke his head, help to wash him, change his nappy and so on.

If you can express milk I'd really encourage you to do this. Babies tummies are really delicate after any sort of surgery so your milk is the very best thing for him and as well as helping his recovery you'll feel you're doing a 'normal' mum and baby bonding thing.

Another thing i would suggest is that you get some little muslins now and sleep with some of them under your pillow or tucked in your bra so they smell of you. Then he can have one that smells of you, and a clean one, to take with him once he is born. Then when you're expressing for him, you take one that's been snuggled up with him so you've got something that's been close to him.

It's definitely worth going to see the unit where he will be, they're not as scary as you might think, you'll see poorly babies who've just had surgery but also the babies who are getting better, off their ventilators and getting out of bed for cuddles, you'll meet the nurses and see just how closely he will be looked after and how much they care about the babies and their parents, so when you actually come to see him you can just concentrate on him and not be shocked or confused by what's going on in the rest of the unit.

Good luck, it is a scary time but yoi will be looked after xxx

Nikki2ol6 Sun 18-Sep-16 12:56:28

Thank you everyone. I won't be able to give birth at the other hospital, but with my previous births I have been ready to leave within a couple of hours after delivering so I'm hoping and praying the same. My partner is going to stay with our baby. He feels torn between staying with me and our baby but I have told him he must go with our baby. Now I'm considering having my mum with me too so she can stay with me and my partner can go with our baby. But then I feel I will be fine alone as my partner is going to txt me as often as he can and tell me how it's all going until I can get there. They have told me he may stay blue at birth and I'm so scared of seeing that too. Finding out has put a huge downer on my pregnancy. But at the same time it must be awful to not know and to find out at birth and have your baby taken away and having no idea what is going on x

Nikki2ol6 Sun 18-Sep-16 12:58:04

How many weeks are you? And no I haven't spoken to anyone except that midwife and all the doctors who were scanning me and done my amnio. Our next app with them is 3 weeks away x

bookwormish Sun 18-Sep-16 13:07:54

Nikki i'm so sorry to hear you received this diagnosis during your pregnancy. I do hope your little one does well after he/she is born. I don't have experience of your exact circumstances but can appreciate how difficult it will be for you.
Have you heard of Heartline? The forums are incredibly supportive if they are still around, plenty of families who have been in similar situations. Also the Childrens Heart Federation and Little Hearts Matter (LHM deal with mainly single ventricle conditions, but still useful if that isn't relevant to you, but I feel it could be from your post) and of course the British Heart Foundation.

Nikki2ol6 Mon 19-Sep-16 19:25:19

My baby has a few heart conditions. We do see the heart doctors again in 3 weeks for another scan and to speak to people again about it all. I keep seeing pics on my Facebook of people's new babies at home all snug having cuddles off their mums and dads and it's breaking my heart and I keep thinking they don't know how lucky they are to just be able to take their baby home and settle in and hold them when ever they want

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