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7weeks with #3 and feeling a total mess - not sure what to do

(3 Posts)
PonderousTortoise Sun 06-Sep-15 11:20:53

I have a 5yo dd and a 3yo ds. I always wanted three but a year or so ago DP and I hit a relationship low, looked like separation was on the cards for a long time, and I reconciled myself to the thought of sticking with my two lovely children, possibly as a single mother. I felt ok about it, but sad about not having another.

Since January things started to get better and by early summer I was starting to feel better in the relationship than I had in years. We weren't contracepting but hadn't been having sex so it hadn't been an issue. When we started having sex again I was feeling quite positive about possibly falling pg, so didn't bother sorting out contraception.

I found out about 3 weeks ago that I am pg again. At first I was delighted, after all that time of thinking there'd be no number 3, it felt like I was finally going to have the family that felt 'right' to me.

Then the nausea started - constant and severe - and crippling tiredness, which I didn't get the other two times. And in the last week or so my state of mind has completely nosedived.

I feel panicked at the thought of pg and birth, I feel depressed at the thought of dealing with a baby. I see babies and they look ugly and unwieldy and needy to me, there is no twinge of broodiness.

I feel guilty that this will make it harder for me to see family overseas, that it will make me a more tired, snappy mum to my two, I feel guilty to them because I feel weirdly as though I am replacing them, and wiping out their baby years.

I feel very anxious about the pg - I've had ocular migraines start up recently and my eyes keep feeling weird when I shut them. DP works away in the week and I am terrified of things going wrong whilst on my own - I have no family or friends nearby.

I have also recently found a lump in my breast and have to wait a few weeks to get it checked at the breast clinic.

I told DP last night that I was feeling sick and depressed and worried. He asked what he could do to help but didn't seem at all concerned about me. He knows about the lump and doesn't seem worried.

I woke up at 3am this morning, really strong nausea and just in floods of tears. I feel like DP doesn't really care for me, I can't have the baby, I'm not sure I can stay with him.

I read lots of threads in this section last night, and got some comfort from people's stories but feel no closer to knowing what I should do. I know I am submerged in horrible hormones, but I also feel this depression is helping me see things for how they are and not just keep going and glossing over niggles or problems.

I think I will go to the Drs tomorrow and request referral to abortion counselling. I don't think there is anyone I am comfortable talking about this to IRL. I haven't told anyone about pgy yet.

I have a little time alone in the house right now, I am going to have a bath then go outside and see if anything feels any better. If you have got this far, thanks for reading - I just needed to get it all out somewhere.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 06-Sep-15 13:05:19

Instead of just asking for a referral for a termination, could you tell the GP how you are thinking? Even if you do go ahead with the termination, you made need the support of your GP.

BrightonMum36 Mon 07-Sep-15 08:29:58

My friend had antenatal depression and her doctor gave her some brilliant antidepressants. You can also be prescribed anti-sickness tablets at the same time which will help. Either way, see your GP NOW and tell him/her everything.
I'm so sorry you feel this way it sounds really tough.
My first trimester was brutal and I had no where near as much going on as you so I really do sympathise xxxx

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