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Finally Admitted to myself and family

(6 Posts)
Christy90 Sat 11-Jul-15 23:06:42

I don't really know where to start, only a few days ago I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone because that would make me a failure as a mother..right? And a failure to my beautiful daughter....but only a couple of days ago my parents had my daughter over night for the first time (she is just over two years old now), when they brought her back my other half was out and my parents said right we're off now, might come back later this evening if you want. I immediately thought in my head 'oh no, I thought you were going to stay till he was back, what am I supposed to do with her on my own' so I got a bit aggressive and told them I thought they would be staying a while, which they agreed to do even though they had stuff to do, which I knew but I couldn't think of that.

Moments later, dad took the dog for a little walk, mum turned to me asking what was wrong, I shrugged it off, again she said I know somethings wrong, what is it. I just burst...burst into tears and hugged her, I said I feel like I just can't bond with her anymore and blabbed about how I was feeling. Mum was so supportive it just made me feel worse in a way. Later that day I told my other half and he was surprising supportive, I thought he would just tell me I was being stupid and postnatal depression etc doesn't exist but he was ok, his first reaction was 'you do love her thought don't you' and I can't express how much I do love her. I don't understand how I can feel so distant from her when I do love her so much, I would do anything for her.

I've been feeling this way of how do I interact with her for at least 6 months now, I just can't seem to appreciate my time with her, it always seems like a chore to have to do anything with her and I don't understand why. What's odd is when she was first born I never felt like this, after reading bits on postnatal depression this seems a bit odd, I can't explain it, like I said she's just over two now and I think I've only been feeling this for about the last 6-9 months maybe. I don't know what changed. I do work full time, I went back to work after she was 8 months but I used to be so excited to come home from work to see her then something changed and some nights I would work later just so I would have to be home for less hours before her bed time. I feel like such a horrible person for saying that but I don't know how to get past it.

I know I've been yabbering on but one last thing, my breaking point, my other half said he was going on some car camping trip for the weekend at the end of the month with a load of 'car lads' and I'm sure most women's first thought would be oh no alcohol, gorgeous models, he might cheat on me but no my first thought was Nooooo a whole weekend with my baby how am I going to cope, I can't tell him not to go because then I will have to explain myself. I think that thought has been building up so much that I couldn't help but break down when mum asked what was wrong. In a way I'm happy he's going away cos now I have a bit of support but I still feel the same and I don't know how to get past it. I don't want to go on anti depressants, a few of my friends have had them for other reasons and said they really messed them up. I've been welling up and shedding a few tears just writing this, I don't know if I could talk to someone face to face without creating a puddle in front of them. Any help or supportive words would be much appreciated, I don't know how much more of 'it will be better when she's a bit older' I can tell myself.

If you've read to the end of this essay, thank you so much.

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LAB123 Sun 12-Jul-15 19:48:37

I don't have any words of wisdom but I also admitted to DH today that I feel like you. DD is 12 mo and over the last month or two I feel like I just can't cope. Or rather I can cope I just feel like it's got a lot harder. Anyway I've put this off for months but I'm making the call to my GP in the morning. I want to get me back and that's the first step. Good luck in whatever you do x

Christy90 Sun 12-Jul-15 20:21:07

Thanks LAB123 for your post, I've been thinking about all this a lot today and I think I've come to the conclusion I do need to speak to someone professional so I will be calling my GP in the morning too. Good Luck and I hope we both get back to being happy x

DangerGrouse Mon 13-Jul-15 20:53:24

I felt very similar. Let me ask you some questions to see what we can do. Tell me all the things you do like doing with her. Now tell me things you don't like doing with her.
Tell me a few things about yourself. Are you musical? Artsy? Science-y? Sporty? Do you like cooking or similar? What makes you laugh?

DangerGrouse Mon 13-Jul-15 20:54:23

Ps are you unhappy with all of your life or just when it comes to your child? This is important.

Christy90 Mon 13-Jul-15 21:50:20

I am very unhappy with my job right now and I'm trying to get something else but having to play the waiting game currently, I'm sure this has something to do with how I'm feeling I'm feeling at home.

It's hard to say what I like doing with her and what I don't, in all honesty I just feel like I can't interact with her properly at the moment, when my parents are round and we're all playing I'm fine and pretty content. The only thing I really enjoy doing just the two of us at the moment is bath time , but then again not always. There's nothing in particular I don't like doing with her, it's just when I'm alone with her or quite often if it's just me and my other half as she clings to me he just sits back and leaves me to get on with it, he has been a bit better since I told him how I was feeling but it's difficult for him as she always wants me. I just feel lost and distant from her. It's so hard to explain and sounds awful as I put it down into words sad

I would say I'm more Artsy than anything, I do draw with her and draw things for her to tell me what they are which funnily enough I do quite enjoy, it's just not something that will keep her occupied for that long. She's constantly active and always wants me there doing everything with her. I do like cooking as well and usually have her on the work surface with me (within a safe distance from the cooker don't worry) which I used to enjoy but not really anymore, she just wants to look in cupboards and pull stuff out and I just get frustrated because I need to keep an eye on dinner etc and I feel like I have to watch her like a hawk too.

Sorry, turned out to be a bit of an essay again!

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