i was feeling crappy so i wrote these(5 Posts)
HOW I FEEL,
when your around me i feel so low,
oh how i wish these feelings would go,
i want to be happy when i around you,
i wish i could love you as a mother should do,
you are my baby girl and i want to be proud,
my head is a mess and its hard to put right ,as stupid as that sounds,
i wish i could love you like i do the boys
but all you do is hit them with their own toys
the things you do the most Is hit your family and friends and cry,
times like that make me want to say bye,
you are HARD work every single day
why cant you be nice, Laugh and play
you have devolopment problems i understand that,
your my daughter and thats a fact,
when you hit your brothers it makes me mad,
as how you act so bloody bad!,
people think your a perfect child,
but i wont except that i'm in denial
I dont find you pretty in any way,
i know thats a horrible thing to say,
i dont think i would miss you if you wernt here.
sometime i do wish you would disappear.
i know all this is so wrong to say
i wish i could change things right now, today!
i never told no one for two years because i thought i would of be week,
but mainly i never had the Confidence to speak.
i'm trying my hardest to speak aloud
but i cant say it infront of a crowd,
i feel so alone about my feelings towards you,
but i cant lie and weep anymore but all i say is the gods hosnest Truth.
i feel ashamed for lying for so long,
but i didnt feel in my arms you belonged,
i am depressed i know that
and for that i feel such a prat
if i didnt tell the health visitor
i would still be ill and sick for ever more,
i want the right feeling to come in a hurry,
somewhere deep down inside my heart i do love you, and all i want to say is, IM SORRY!
when you were born i never shed a tear,
my head and heart was full of fear,
i never saw you for 6 hours,
i can remember seeing a nurse with a load of white flowers,
i use to see mothers with there baby
i was jelous and sad and that turned me crazy,
all i wanted in my arms was my lovely strong little girl,
but i never, you were to delicate more than a peal,
i cried for hour before i saw you,
when i saw you it was scary you were tiny and blue,
i expressed my milk everyday,
next to your incubator i sat and pray,
the first time i touched you, i touched your face,
my head and my heart were all over the place,
your monitor always bleeped as you stopped breathing,
that was it i thought you were leaving.
everyday i was by your side watching every breath you took,
whilest other mums where there reading a book,
i wouldnt leave for more than an hour,
but it was me who was running out of power,
i cried myself to sleep every single night
i just wanted to hold my baby so bloody tight,
consultants told me to fear for the worst,
that was it. i felt like my heart has burst,
everyday was a long stressful fight,
but i was so weak and tired as i couldnt sleep at night,
i didnt want you to be in any sort of pain.
but if you were, we were both the same.
even though weve been thought crap i still cant get a bond and i am getting fed up as to keep trying, it feels like we get 2 steps forward and then 10steps back. anyone else feel like crap over a bonding issue??
Just read this - so sorry no one has replied to your interesting poems, OP.
They are very powerful and are obviously coming from a place of deep pain.
I've just read your other post this morning in which you're thinking about leaving your husband. Your situation seems to be so difficult at the moment. I think your feelings about your little girl are down to your own emotional health and the stress you're going through at home. You're exhausted and you need a break.
I hope your situation gets easier soon OP
I read your other thread and searched and found these. I'm so sorry nobody responded at the time.
I did have trouble bonding. I was ill postnatally (including a stay in a mother and baby unit) and I didn't feel really bonded until my daughter was about two (a year and a half after I'd made a full recovery). I just went through the motions, acted like I was in love with my baby, until I was. It was really traumatic being ill - similar perhaps to your experience with you daughter being premature - and I was reeling. Luckily for me, she had responded to all the turmoil by being perfectly behaved, so I didn't have your daughter's quite natural reactions to deal with. Also I had a supportive partner who would never have said such awful things to me. My daughter is now a teenager and we're very close.
Please, get help. Your daughter isn't evil, she's just reacting to how you and your father act with her and one another. This is not a healthy relationship for you and you need to leave your husband. There's loads of help on the other thread.
Please ask for help. It is so hard having a new baby, lack of sleep, lack of time and peace but they are so lovely in most of their moments. I am not trying to pacify, I am being treated for post natal depression which has been going on for 18 months so I know what it feels like to feel crap. Ending it all won't help anyone, think of the family and friends who would grieve for you and your baby? ....no matter how crap you feel and how much a little person can upset you, they need you more than anyone else in the world. Gather strength in the knowledge that the little baby you gave birth to was a gift that some people never ever have, we mums are lucky, let's make the best of it! Love and best wishes, in my prayers, Claire xx
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