Terrible anxiety - anyone been like this?

[lbmum]

Hi ladies,

I hope someone can give me a bit of advice based on experience or at least sympathy! I hope I don't upset anyone with the details I will give. I need to give a bit of background first so please bear with me! I am currently 36 weeks pg.

I have two children and have also suffered one second-trimester loss (last pregnancy). Both of my live births are, on paper, 'normal vaginal births' but both were very traumatic. My first was a 30 hour induced labour and right at the end after a lot of struggling my contractions stopped, my son's heartbeart dropped and his head had crowned. I was screamed at to push even though my body wasn't helping me and they literally pulled him out with their hands. He was born virtually lifeless and had a very low APGAR score but they brought him round and he is now a well 8 year old.

My second I decided to give home birth a try as it was a textbook pregnancy unlike my previous and I was very aware that the hospital situation didn't help me before. Everything went fine physically except the hospital didn't respond quickly enough and didn't see me as a priority as I was in labour. As I was approaching the end the labour ward told my DH over the phone to call an ambulance as they couldn't help me (ie. the midwife won't make it despite several panicky phone calls). Two ambulances were called but my DH ended up delivering her with the 999 call centre talking him through it, nobody else was there. This too was traumatic, especially feeling so alone and vulnerable with the first birth as it was.

I suffered PND with both of my live births and although unconfirmed with losing my son last time at 17 weeks I also suffered it then and was on medication all three times. In the last few weeks I have developed terrible anxiety, panics, sadness and what most people would see as a completely irrational fear that something will happen to the baby or me during labour and that my two children will not have a mummy anymore. I am feeling grief for my loss and fear for the forthcoming birth to the point that I am always crying if anyone asks me about it or laying awake at night doing the same.

I have good support, I have been seen by a Consultant Midwife at my hospital who has put me in touch with a counselling service. In light of my fear I have now been referred to a Consultant Midwife who reviews history and birth plans. I am also seeing a consultant this week too. My counsellor also phoned me yesterday to say that she is referring me to another type of counselling, CBT so I am worried that it looks like the depression is hitting me again and I look like I am not coping.

My question is that I am thinking of talking through the options for an elective cs for this birth due to my mental health. I feel bad for even thinking about putting myself through one but all I can see at the moment is three previous labours, all traumatic. I feel like I will be 'punished' for carrying this baby to term and not the last one, like perhaps I am only supposed to have one child. An ELCS would at least help me prepare and should deliver my baby safely, the uncertainty of the other option is just too terrifying to contemplate.

I would really appreciate it if anybody else has been in a similar situation or even if you think I may be right to discuss this. It's not that I haven't had a VB birth before, I have had 3 very different, terrifying ones and I think it is my loss that has changed everything now. I feel lost and scared at what is approaching and feel like I am preparing for another bereavement, not a happy event.

[CantThinkOfAGoodUserName]

I offer no experience and I don't know what to say but I wanted to just say that I'm sorry you have had such a tough time of it. I give you a big virtual hug and best wishes that all goes well which I'm sure it will. I don't see why there is any harm In discussing having a elcs, that's what you, your family and health care professionals need to talk about and sure you will come to a plan you feel ok with. Sorry for your loss and I really wish you and your family all the best

[lbmum]

Thank you very much. xx

[PetShopGirl]

Sorry for your loss, and that you are feeling so anxious. I would have thought that an elcs would be a perfectly reasonable request given your history, and one that they would consider very seriously.

[clairemiss79]

Hi
I find your post very interesting as i feel that I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently 38 weeks preg and suffering tremendous anxiety. I've decided that an elcs is the option for me and I'm lucky to have a very supportive midwife.

This will be dc4 for me. Dc1 was vaginal but 15hours labour and was horrendous but mostly straightforward. It's my dc2 that i feel traumatised by. I was left to go 2 weeks overdue with no monitoring and i turned up at hosp to be induced. The staff told me they were too busy and were going to send me home. One mw said they'd just pop me on a monitor.

Babys heart was reaching 30 on the machine and the mw who was going to send me home kept saying its just not reading it properly. Anyway so i was kept on the machine with the heart struggling and feeling very anxious.

A consultant arrived and they told me baby was over 10lbs. Then her heart stopped completely and i had to run to the op theatre for a c section. She was out 10 mins later and is absolutely fine. She is my beautiful 9 yr old dd.

It has traumatised me how lucky we were and how it would've been the fault of the hosp if anything happened. I just happened to be on a monitoring machine when my babys heart stopped. It later turned out that my due date was wrong according to my 12 and 20 week scan and i was actually 3 weeks over and placenta had worn away.

My 3rd was vbac but i had an amazing consultant who understood my anxiety as he was the one who saved dd2 and he monitored me in hosp for last 2 weeks of preg.

That isn't happening this time and only last week I've changed my mind and opted for elcs because i cant cope with the stress and the what ifs. I also have little faith in the delivery ward.

I think you should definitely be allowed an elcs due to your traumatic labours and your loss. Will your mw support you in this?