I am hoping there is someone out there who could help or reassure me - I'm wracked with misery.
I have never seen myself having a baby - I actively feel quite negative about them - and about small children - yet I know that I want a family - an older family of teenage children of my own, and there's only one way to get that.
My mother has put a lot of pressure on me, telling me that I'd regret it terribly if I didn't, that its different when they're your own etcetc. and is in complete denial that there is anything negative whatsoever about having children.
I don't know why, but I've never had any illusions about the total and complete change of life-as-you-know-it that having a baby brings, and at the forefront of my mind all my life has been the demands a child places on you; the lack of freedom and independence, lost opportunities, not to mention financial strain, social complexities of bringing up a child etc. I've always been relieved not to be in that position. I run my own business single-handedly and I work in quite a male-dominated world. I like that I have little exposure to the child-things I shudder at.
I now find myself inadvertently 5 weeks pregnant. I say inadvertently because at our age (37 & 41), we really didn't believe for a second that we'd conceive in 2 months and weren't actively trying - just not actively preventing. We're both reeling from the shock and I've fallen into a deep depression - in effect, a sense of grief and mourning for my life as I know it. I've never envied my friends' families or newborns, its always been a relief to return from visits to the calm, quiet order of my own home, free from all the plastic paraphernalia I detest so much. And the dawning realisation that that world of grotesquely distended bellies, baggy bodies and then the awfulness of being in a "child world" of ghastly kiddy TV shows and baby clothes, and poo and vomit for years on end will soon become my reality.
I strongly disapprove of abortion, and I know I definitely couldn't handle it emotionally, so am praying for a miscarriage - just to buy me some time to think about what I really do want as I'm so confused. But I really do want to want this baby. I want to feel excited about it, or just be reassured that I won't be completely ambivalent or resentful of it when its born. The only thing keeping me going is that I love my partner dearly and imagining his features in its face is the only comfort I find - perhaps because loving him is familiar to me and thinking of the baby as his baby does help a little. After that fleeing moment of relief, though, my mind then moves back to the loss of my independent life, the exhaustion and my perception of the relentless boredom and domestic drudgery of childrearing that I truly abhor.
Is there anyone out there who felt like this? I'm desperately seeking someone who did and emerged as a parent without regretting the decision to stick with it, and who is truly in love with their child. Can anyone tell me that they've felt the same beforehand and yet are so glad they saw their pregnancy through?
I feel like the most horrible, unnatural person in the world, and this is such a taboo subject that I can't tell anyone (not even in full to my partner) for fear of judgement. I'm too scared to tell anyone I'm pregnant because I won't be able to react how you're expected to (i.e. be happy).
I beg you not to judge me - I am so aware of how lucky we are, but I can't help how I am instinctively feeling. I'm just engulfed with misery, fear, regret and despair.
Please can someone help me?
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Desperate. Terrible sense of loss and despair at being pregnant.
47 replies
Carolyn76 · 12/02/2014 21:15
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