Feeling scared, hopeless and worried(6 Posts)
Before I fell pregnant I was on medication and undergoing CBT for anxiety/panic attacks and depression.
Despite a fairly rough pregnancy, I psychologically felt much better, came off my meds and eventually ended my CBT sessions as I felt so much better.
I have been nervous about developing PND but everything had been going well and I was feeling very happy.
The past few days however I have started with awful intrusive thoughts, which is how I felt when my depression was in full swing, I think about all the horrible things that could happen and become obsessed with gory, terrible scenarios that might happen to me and now DS. ( For example me tripping and falling, getting sick, or hitting his head on a corner etc...)the thoughts seem to present as very vivid in my head and make me feel sick but I can't get rid of them.
DS is now 5.5weeks and is constantly demanding food today, I'm EBF and my milk supply has been on the over supply side, however today I can't seem to pump or hand express anything, my breast feel soft and he is literally wanting to feed ten minutes after coming off. I'm terrified my milk supply has stopped even though it was fine yesterday. I'm putting him to both breasts whenever he roots but ache all over and feel sore everywhere. My head is pounding and I am in tears every five minutes, then I feel more guilty and feel like a terrible person because as much as I love DS I just want a break where I don't have to feed him or change him but I can't even express now so can't even if I wanted to.
I feel exhausted and totally detached. My partner is supportive but he also acts a bit off at the moment as he is tired and does a long commute to work cycling. I don't feel I can speak to him anymore and just feel like we aren't going to work out which terrifies me. He seems annoyed at me all the time and after my depression then tough pregnancy, I feel like his patience with my issues has run out. I feel like a nag and a baby bore, I hate the fact that I feel like less of a family than ever before.
I don't have any friends or family locally and just feel so alone. DPs family are lovely and I don see them fairly often but I am very private and although I know its terrible, I am very embarrassed about my depression and struggle to speak with even close family about it.
I am so scared that I am going down the same path as before. My relationship is falling apart, I feel like a bad mum, the breastfeeding we've worked so hard at seems at risk and I'm scared of everything.
I know I probably need to see the GP but I just don't want to do it all again. I hate myself and how weak I am.
You need help. Don't try to go it alone. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of, it's an illness and not something you bring upon yourself. With your history it will unfortunately not be surprising if you have PND. Please, for the sake of your whole family, go and see your GP.
When it comes to patience of partners and family I have always found it much easier to talk completely openly to strangers. This can be a group of mothers in the same boat or a professional who specialises in PND.
It somehow gives things perspective whereas partners and family can be lacking in the empathy stakes.
There are always good people out there who will listen to mothers with a baby. Mothers groups for PND are good too.
Remember to try and get some rest where you can. Meditation, mindfulness is fantastic alongside CBT for depression and the people who do it tend to be nice too. Some local authorities offer Mindfulness courses for free. It is particularly good for relapse prevention for depression.
Big hug and get the help you need/want xx
Re the feeding. 6 weeks is a growth spurt. Around that time your breasts stop having that really full - then empty feel. There's always milk there - sometimes baby has to work harder for it.
Being run down could be/ lead to mastitis - check for symptoms.
Second havinganose the exact same thing happened to me at 6 weeks and the next day my boobs looked like katie price so try not to worry. Eat and drink loads today and keep letting bubs to feed and your body will get its shit together. It's classic growth spurt.
When you did CBT did you do anything with unhelpful thinking styles? Eg predicting the future, catastrphizing?? Cause one thing that struck me about your post was that you're worrying the worst case scenario will happen with regards to EVERYthing. Which is something i do when a slip back a bit. I used to worry i was 'getting ill again' when just s few days of taking control again (eg speaking to gp, doing cbt, relaxing, talking, pampering) would sort me out. Now i just have 'blips' without feeling like i will go 'there' again.... hope that makes sense.
You are an awesome mummy and you're doing great and you have all the strength you need to kick depression's ass. Just stop, breathe, tackle one problem at a time. Put bubs in a bouncy seat in front of baby tv for 20mins write it all down. Get everything out of your head. You will be fine.... and book to see your gp. Xx
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