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Just can't do it-need out.

(20 Posts)
Inapickle123 Mon 27-Jan-14 19:56:23

Had DS 10 days ago and I'm falling apart. I feel so horrific for feeling the way I do, but it's so all consuming.

After a long time TTC, we "miraculously" (zee were told it could never happen naturally and were on the IVF list) finally fell pregnant with our much wanted baby. Pregnancy was fine-awful SPD, coupled with numerous growth scans as I was so small and stressful work environment, meant the experience wasn't amazing but it could have been far, far worse.

We were sent for another growth scan last week as I was still measuring small and there was no fluid around baby. One quick induction later-he was here.

Since we got home from the hospital, I have been a wreck. I can't eat, sleep or do anything right. I feel physically sick at the thought of being left alone with the baby and will do anything to avoid contact. I do not hate him but I am so detached and miserae that I can't go longer than an hour without bursting into tears.

The anxiety is crippling. I jump at every little noise he makes; when I hold him I can't breathe. He's sleeping a bit more but I can't drift off-all I keep thinking is that I wish I wasn't in the sane room as him. It's such an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and I know that both my husband and the baby would be better off if I just walked out. That's exactly what I feel like doing.

Midwives have been out every day to assess my
Mood and referred me to postnatal mental health service. Was assessed today and given diazapam to try and stave off the anxiety, but no AD as yet-this will be reviewed at the end of the week.

I'm so ashamed and feel so guilty. My DH is doting on the baby and I'm hiding in a different room. We still share duties but I'm just going through the motions- I would rather be anywhere than with the baby. I refused to get out of the car this afternoon as I couldn't face going back into the house as the baby was there.

DH has less than a week of leave left and the thought of him leaving me alone for 8 hours each day has me feeling sick to my stomach.

I'm sorry this is a rambling post. My mum and DH have been wonderful to me but this is so unlike the "real" me that I know they're scared to leave me alone. I don't feel suicidal and I wouldn't hurt the baby, I simply just don't want to be here.

I like control and order and haven't got any. He sleeps for 3 hours at night at most and I know I should sleep too, but I just can't.

I just don't know what to do.

kazza446 Mon 27-Jan-14 20:04:30

Oh honey. Don't know what to say to make you feel better. Being a first time mum is an absolute shocker. I felt like I had stepped off the world into another dimension so you're not alone in feeling so overwhelmed. Have you suffered with anxiety before. It does sound like you have some pnd. Could you go and stay with your mum or a friend when dh goes back to work? My mum was my saviour with first child. Just took the pressure off me for a while.. hopefully the mh team will help out. Try not to beat yourself up over how you're feeling. Take any help you can from other people. I suffered with prenatal anxiety this time around so know how crippling it can be. Hope you start to feel better soon. Sending you a big hug xx

whereisthewitch Mon 27-Jan-14 20:05:07

You need to stol beating yourself uo my love, I had horrendous PND with DD and couldn't stand her for the first 6weks of her life, I saw my GP and got help and 2 years later we totally adore each other.
Please book an emergency appointment tomorrow with your GP, you need something to calm you down and help you relax as I definitely think you have PND.
Believe me this is so common, you're not alone in feeling this way and you WILL get through it and grow to adore your baby, it will take time but acknowledging how you feel like you have on here is the first and most important step.

hugs to you x

Inapickle123 Tue 28-Jan-14 10:29:34

He wouldn't sleep for more than an hour last night (formula fed). When offered bottle, he'll only take 60 ml at most, and he should be taking 90-no wonder he won't sleep.

I really, really dislike him. I wish he wasn't here.

Freckletoes Tue 28-Jan-14 10:39:28

Babies don't sleep, they cry and demand your every ounce of strength and then some. Your life has now totally changed and you will adjust to it and some time soon you won't even be able to remember your life pre baby. Please show what you have written to a health care professional-don't try and say it as you won't word it as well. You need help but you will get there.

woooooooobooo Tue 28-Jan-14 10:39:34

You sound so down. Please phone your gp and tell them you need an appt today. If receptionist won't give appt request a call back from doctor. This will get better with help but I think you really need to see the doctor.

I had twins first time round and honestly it was awful. I didn't realise how bad things had been until I had dd3 and felt so much happier and at ease that time round

Katiejon Tue 28-Jan-14 20:24:11

I felt exactly the same way with dd.
I now adore her.
Please speak to your midwife/health visitor.
It's so difficult to function on little sleep.
I wish you strength.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Tue 28-Jan-14 20:40:41

It's not your fault that you're feeling this way. Well done for talking about it. Hope you get some help soon, please speak to your GP.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 28-Jan-14 20:46:03

Being exhausted but unable to sleep is a symptom of PND.

As pp have said, please show your GP your post here. You are not yourself but you will not always feel this way.

Things are always darkest before the dawn. flowers

ExBrightonBell Tue 28-Jan-14 20:53:22

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, and you are being amazingly brave to post about it here and also to get real life support.

I think it's also worth considering that you are probably still shocked by the delivery, particularly if it was a quick decision to do an induction. And then if the induction was also speedy. It would be completely understandable to be a bit shell shocked by the whole thing, let alone the huge change of having a newborn.

It is absolutely ok for you to feel how you do. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. There is a big myth that every new mum should immediately feel a certain way and be able to cope with all the new responsibilities. I think everyone feels overwhelmed and somewhat panicked to begin with. A lot of us just go through the motions because we have to, until gradually it becomes the "new normal" and it doesn't seem so anxiety generating anymore. It might take some people a few weeks, others a few months and even maybe several months, until you feel a bit more in control.

Can your mum stay with you for a week when your DH has to go back to work? Does she live near enough to come round often? There is no shame is asking for help from family/friends, really there isn't. PND is not something that is anyone's fault, and it is not something that you are responsible for. Hopefully your postnatal team can get you the right ADs and that will start to help. Remember if you had a physical problem after delivery no-one would think twice about you getting the appropriate medical help and other support. Just because PND is non-physical doesn't make it any less real.

Also, it doesn't matter how many mls of formula your ds will take in a feed - this thing about he "should" be taking 90ml is a red herring. People don't always want exactly the same amount of food/drink at each meal and babies are the same. There is also no amount that a baby should be having. There are guidelines e.g. on the formula packaging, but these are just suggestions not recommendations or requirements. Also sleep doesn't always correlate to the amount of milk consumed, unfortunately. It's just one of those things about babies that can't be predicted or controlled. However, you could try and change your thought processes around feeding - rather than focussing on trying to get x amount into him, focus on trying to feed him on demand and feeding him just the amount that he chooses to take that time.

Please do keep talking to your DH, mum, GP etc about how you're feeling, and post on here too. It will get better.

Imogenj Tue 28-Jan-14 21:19:09

I really really feel for you and I well remember how it was to feel as if the rug has been whipped from under you because suddenly the enormity of your much wanted baby is too much. You've entered a world of 'shoulds' - the baby should do this, you the mother should be able to do that. Try to recognise that there is no right or wrong way and in time you will learn how to manage your baby and respond confidently to what you think he needs, but it takes time and trial and error and what you're doing so far is good enough. Take all the help you can. Keep talking to your husband and mother, ask the health visitor for support and please know you're not alone, it's very very tough in the early weeks.

louiselove123 Wed 29-Jan-14 09:57:22

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It's such a shock and can be very isolating bringing a new baby home for the first time. I wonder whether you may be suffering from a bit of Post Traumatic depression too as it seems that you haven't had the easiest pregnancy and then the birth came about very quickly and you are probably reeling from that, not to mention the demands of caring for a newborn. I know because I had a tough time as my brother in law passed away a few days after i came out of hospital with DC3 and the whole family was devastated and what should have been a very happy time was the complete opposite. It sent me into a reactive depression rather than classic pnd -according to my health visitor. Well done for coming on here, I hope you find it a comfort to know that we are all on your side and are here for you. I hope you get the help you need and that it gets better with time. xx

Inapickle123 Wed 29-Jan-14 11:47:29

Midwives have been visiting daily to assess my mood and I have a follow up visit from the postnatal psychiatric consultant nurse on Friday.

The diazapam has helped " level " me to an extent but it's looking morse and more likely that I'll be going down the AD route. I have yet to go a day without bursting into tears at the thought of having to deal with this small creature who I should love with every fibre of my being, but who is just a massive burden to me.

My parents have now cancelled a holiday so that they can be with me next week when DH goes back to work. More guilt.

Given the referral to mental health services, social services will need to be involved, which makes me feel absolutely horrific. They want to send out the parenting team to show me how to "parent "; I know what I need to do, know how to do it, it's just that I don't want to. I won't leave him sitting in a dirty nappy or starving- I'm doing everything I need to do to keep him thriving, it's just that I feel nothing towards him. I desperately do not want this service because I know I'll see it as an "out "-if someone else does it, I don't have to and I don't think that's the way to get better.

I'm hoping the nurse will prescribe AD on Friday. This isn't me.

ExBrightonBell Wed 29-Jan-14 13:18:33

I'm glad the diazepam is helping to some extent, and that you are getting daily mw visits.

It's such a lovely thing that your parents will come and help you next week. I know that it's easier said than done, but you shouldn't feel guilty for the decision to cancel the holiday. They want to help, and this is your time of need. It would be worse if you pretended you were ok and sent them on their holiday, only for them to find out later you were not ok and struggling.

Also, there is no "should" about parenting and being a new mum. People respond in different ways, and your feelings are valid. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. It really is ok. As long as you are looking after your baby from the practical point of view (which you are), you can feel what you feel. Things will change over time and it won't be like this forever.

Have you had a chance to discuss the induction decision/induction itself with the post natal team as there may be some post traumatic response going on as well as or instead of PND?

Inapickle123 Thu 30-Jan-14 21:38:41

After a particularly bad day yesterday (I couldn't leave my bed-can't explain it), the perinatal team came out to visit today and agreed that this goes way beyond the baby blues.
Diazapam has been upped and been prescribed AD to try and get "me" back.
I'm doing my best to take little steps- I got dressed and managed out of the house today which is a huge step. It to me the best part of 3 hours to achieve but it's a step in the right direction.
The consultant seems to think that an incredibly stressful year/pregnancy issues have brought me here. The surprise pregnancy (after being told we couldn't have babies and us both falling apart as a result ), coupled with pregnancy anxiety due to his small size, demanding job, spd and family issues could all be maintained but the quick nature of the emergency induction and super quick birth, has just pushed my mind over the edge. I'm not sure how much I agree with this but I'm no expert.
The team have also suggested sending out a baby bonding nurse; someone to help us interact and bond. I'm not sure how I feel about this but any help is something to embrace.
Normally intensely private, I've found myself telling people just how awful and lost I feel. I'm hopeful that, by talking about it, I can accept that this is something that can be overcome.
It has to get better. It certainly can't get worse.

Katiejon Thu 30-Jan-14 22:03:30

Hi honey.
I love my Prozac!
I also had severe SPD, I could only walk with a crutch by the end of my pregnancy, even then I was in agony.
Well done on getting out the house, a big thank you for keeping us updated, I'm so pleased for you that u r talking about your feelings, that's a great way to get help and to overcome the situation.

ExBrightonBell Thu 30-Jan-14 22:15:28

Sorry you had a bad day yesterday, but it's great that you got out of the house today. Don't worry about taking 3 hours - you'll get quicker at it as you do it more often.

Hopefully the ADs will also begin to help soon - do go back to your doctor if they don't seem to be doing what they should. As far as I understand it, there are different ones that can be tried if they don't suit you.

The baby bonding nurse sounds like an interesting idea, and it's great that the NHS are able to offer this to you so quickly.

It does sound like you have had a huge amount to cope with in the run up to the arrival of your DS, and it is a reasonable hypothesis that it could have all had an impact.

I completely understand what you mean about not normally talking to people about how you are feeling - I would never normally do this either. But at various points during my pregnancy and postnatally I had to, and it did help in the long run. Keep talking, in rl and on here, and things will change for you I'm sure.

Legalbaby79 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:38:13

You poor love , can I say you have taken a massive step by coming on here .....

Just cos mental health team
Involved DOES NOT mean social services should become involved, unless they fear you are a threat to the baby or yourself - which you have said isn't the case. They may want to do an initial assessment to ensure you have support & put a plan for that support.
You will get through this it maybe a long path x

Inapickle123 Fri 07-Feb-14 20:53:53

Thank you all so much for your kind words; this week has been trying but I had a good day today.

I'm still getting anxiety attacks when outside but the mental health nurse has been amazing and so supportive. ADs have been upped, diazapam upped, sleeping pills upped and-while I'm a zombie-I've actually slept for a few hours and can see a little light at the end of the -very long-tunnel.

Its funny but I'm totally fine in the afternoon; it's the mornings and evenings which send me over the edge. Morning because I'm so anxious about the whole day and evenings because I'm so anxious about how much DS will sleep. I'm trying my best to take it in small steps-rather than thinking about the whole day, or next week, or the week after, I'm just thinking of the days in small time units; morning may be rubbish but that doesn't necessarily mean the afternoon/evening will be too. This is a VERY difficult thing for me to do as it's totally alien to my personality.

I'm so hopeful that time will help me bond with DS. He is so handsome and everyone is besotted with him. Baby nurse is coming next week to show me different bonding techniques.

For all we say about the NHS, I literally cannot fault how compassionate and quick acting they have been. Midwives have been in every single day to assess my mood, referral to mental health consultant took 1 day, follow up visit from MH nurse three days later and she's been back 3 times in the last 10 days.

I'm not naive; I know that I'll be up and down for the next few months but it will get better.

nobodysawmedoit Sat 10-May-14 21:07:43

I just saw this thread and had to check it se eral times to be sure it wasn't me who had written it. Everything you wrote is exactly how I felt, word for word. I was put on sertraline just before dc was 3 months old and the terrible, dark, crushing horror lifted in 48 hours. I hope you got the help you needed and quickly. Nobody should have to feel like this, it's awful but IT'S NOT YOU so don't feel guilty afterwards. You are going to love your baby soooooooo much!!!!!!h

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