8 weeks pregnant and feeling very low

[Sencho]

Hi, this is my first ever post, I'm feeling nervous. I'm 8, nearly 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. However the road to this point has been complicated, I'm trying to work out why I am feeling the way I do - I desperately need to some help because I feel as though I am going insane.

4 years ago I fell pregnant and had a termination. At the time it was a shock and traumatic because I'd only know the father for 12 weeks, I'd started a new job and my colleagues were unfriendly with lots a job pressure, I felt financially stretched and the father lived 5000 miles away in another country. I was terrified, paniced and had a termination. 2 days after this I collapsed at work with my first ever full blown anxiety attack. This spiralled into full blown depression, grief and regret. I had to see a counsellor. 2 years after this said father of terminated baby left me out of the blue- he had his owns mental health issues, it was abusive. The key point was that the termination and that relationship tipped my world. I have never been the same in terms of anxiety. I can suddenly have days of extreme anxiety for seemingly no reason.

Fast forward to now - I now have a loving and caring partner. He's my world. We have just bought and moved into a new house. The move was in August and the house needed more work than we envisaged. The house is currently in chaos (holes in ceilings, every wall needs replastering). Since my anxiety disorder started 4 years ago I need my immediate environment to be calm and orderly to feel stable mentally. It is not - we are short of money and my partner works away all week. The house is driving my crazy.

We tried for a baby - eventhough I was very scared due to my past. THe whole idea of pregnancy holds trauma to me - I get flashbacks to the termination clinic, it reminds me of very traumatic times. We got pregnant on first try, despite me being 38. And now I am on a whole time anziety ridden mania. I cry constantly, I am utterly gripped with fear that I won't be able to be a good mother, I am suffocated by thoughts that I will make my child depressed through my own issues, I'm scared I'll go crazy, I'm scared of more panic attacks. I can't relax at home because the place is a mess. Eventhough deep down I want this baby I feel no excitement or happiness. I'm caught in a web of feeling like I want to run away and not be pregnant. Sometimes I am disgusted with myself that I chose one baby to go and this baby to live. I feel I will be a dreadful partner and that my boyfriend will eventually crack and leave.

In one way I feel this baby may be the making of me because of the past, in another I feel dread that after 4 years of crawling back up the steepest hill mentally I have ever had to climb, I might have put myself back down at the bottom. My anxiety is raging - heart rate up, smallest things overwhelm me, can't feel happy about anything.

My best friend keeps telling me this is early pregnanct hormones - I've had severe nausea and been signed off work for 3 weeks now. I'm terrified it is more than that. Please help. I feel so hopeless and sad when I feel I should be feeling happy.

[Joskar]

How difficult all this is for you. You need to get some support. Share your fears with dp and perhaps see a counsellor. The choices you made in the past belong there. This is a different time and you are a different person. Embrace your wonderful new future. On a practical note perhaps you could go and stay with someone for a couple of weeks until you feel less sick and more able to cope. Try and clear one room in the house so you have a dust free refuge while the work is happening. Good luck. Take care. Above all communicate with do.

[HeartShapedBox]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the past is the past. you made your decision, and unfortunately you have to do your best to live with it.

soon you'll have a tiny baby to take care of, and do you know what? I think you'll be a great mum- otherwise you wouldn't be so panicky and stressed now.

honestly, don't beat yourself up over something you can't change xx

[Sencho]

Hi, thank you for your replies. I am at peace with the past - I went to a counselor weekly for nearly 3 years. 99% of days I no longer beat myself up for the decision. It is simply that back then my nervous system suffered a complete breakdown - it is a little like breaking a limb, that limb is healed and functions again but it always has a little weak point. The left over anxiety is just my natural alarm system sounding off accidentally. Most of the time I can use the techniqes I have been taught to keep it under control but it is as though this pregnancy and the hormones are literally strangling me. I feel totally overwhelmed every morning that I awake. I have an appointment later this week with a hyponotherapist to try to get a hold on my nerves.

How some women go through this and not wobble I truly do not know. I keep seeing other pregnant women who look totally together and wonder how they are doing it.