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Terrified to admit I have PND. What if I'm just shit at this and it won't ever get better?

(33 Posts)
purrtrillpadpadpad Tue 12-Nov-13 19:06:48

Struggled with AND but put it down to missing cigs. Somewhat stupidly, I now see.

When my DD arrived via EMCS and I had a major PPH and failed to establish breast feeding, I tried to hold myself together. I absolutely adored my DD.

After the colic and really bad reflux where every single feed was a nightmare, I became quite detached. The endless crying, the planking when trying to feed. The endless arguments with DH because the endless crying/screaming isn't a pleasant backdrop to normal life.

The endless weigh ins. Plateauing then dropping then being told we should worry, then we shouldn't, we should do this or that. My parents and my PIL had their own views. We were just worrying too much. Even when she wasn't taking anything at all, we were just worrying too much. We weren't.

Now she's 6 mo and objectively I see that she is still as adorable as ever, but there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm underwater, I try to reach for Nice Mummy but she's not there, I have no niceness left, I'm Horrid Mummy. I feel like everyone can tell. I'm living a lie. At least once a day I fantasise about leaving her and my DH.

I'm scared of saying I think I have PND and it turning out that this isn't PND. It's not fixable. What if it's not?

Really struggling and just don't know what to do anymore.

starkadder Tue 12-Nov-13 19:16:29

Hello - I have no experience of PND but couldn't leave your post unanswered. It sounds like you've had a horrible time; weigh ins are bloody awful, and not much support from parents either. It does sound to me like you have PND and you should go to your GP for sure. It is ok to admit you feel like this and people can help you. Also, you don't need a label of PND to make it ok - feeling unhappy in itself is absolutely enough to warrant asking for help.

Good luck.

kalidasa Tue 12-Nov-13 19:22:01

Absolutely textbook PND. Different circumstances and timing but I felt exactly the same. Much better now. See your GP and if you can afford to pay for - or can be referred to - any sort of therapy, especially infant/child therapy, then do. PM me if you'd like.

EmpireBiscuit Tue 12-Nov-13 19:22:05

I have PND and am now 4 months into getting better and feel a million times more like myself.

I can see I was living a lie for 6 months and hugely regret not seeking help sooner, I've missed enjoying my baby growing as I was being suffocated by feelings of inadequacy and resentment. There's nothing wrong with admitting you are ill.

Please seek some help.

wecantallbeperfect Tue 12-Nov-13 19:24:36

Please go and see your GP, the chances are that you do have PND. I have had it after each of my four children. I know exactly what you are feeling. There is treatment and support available and it does get better.
Please don't torture yourself. Are there any family members or close friends you could talk to?
Nobody knew I had PND except a few close friends and my DM. I hid it too well for a very long time, this wasn't helpful with hindsight.
The sooner you get treatment the sooner the off will clear and you can get 'yourself' back.

MorrisZapp Tue 12-Nov-13 19:26:34

I had pnd, it felt just like what you're experiencing now. The doctor can help you.

That said, even when I got better I found no joy in parenthood until DS was talking, at about age 2. Some of us don't enjoy the baby stage, there's nothing at all wrong with that.

Take care x

Wolfiefan Tue 12-Nov-13 19:31:11

Poor you. I felt rather similar with my first. (Failed attempts at bf. Colic. Lack of sleep.) Not with my second. No idea if it was PND or not. It was how I felt. I was/am not a bad mum. I needed support. PND doesn't make you a bad mum. Hope you get support.

purrtrillpadpadpad Tue 12-Nov-13 19:35:49

I did suffer really badly with depression when I was younger and have a small 'record' in terms of receiving treatment from different services (counselling and support from A&E on some occasions, nothing more serious) and so I've always been petrified that I would develop PND and that my baby would be taken away from me.

As it was, the day after the EMCS a mental health nurse arrived to quiz me about my current health, and then I had a visit from a midwife and a call from a health visitor and a voicemail from my local GP surgery all within 48 hours of getting home and I was in bits crying, worrying they were going to take her from me. My family were appalled, as my own GP was.

But I think this is really putting a barrier in place. I feel like I can't admit there's a problem. I'm scared it could really escalate.

cantthinkofagoodone Tue 12-Nov-13 19:39:06

I can hugely relate after having a high needs baby. I'm not sure if I had pnd but dealing with colic, reflux, sleep deprivation on top of the usual monotony of a baby is so awful.

Please be assured that even those with easy babies finds it a huge shock to the system.

I'm now the other side of the rainbow as it were. Ds is mobile and on solids and sleeps most of the time. Being back at work and the balance makes me feel like me again but I'd say by 9-10 months I was enjoying being a parent.

You will enjoy this and you will come through it. In a years time your Dd will be running around and laughing. You'll find the toddler stage comparatively easy!

I hope you get support in the meantime. Talk to your go, friends and family. X

cantthinkofagoodone Tue 12-Nov-13 19:42:15

They won't take her away.

I'm sorry the hv scared you. If your own gp knows you try them first x

MrsWedgeAntilles Tue 12-Nov-13 19:58:54

OP, I felt like that, it was PND. It took a while but I did get better.
I didn't really enjoy being a mum to a baby but once he got on his feet and developed a couple of words I felt like I was flying. You will get better, the situation will get better, it just takes time.
Personally I found my HVs to be as useful as a fart in a spacesuit when it came to PND. They just looked at me funny and wrote it down.
My GP on the other hand was great, he took way over the consultation time and helped me to see I was putting pressure on myself that no-one else was. He helped me to see that everything might be ok again.
Please get help, they really won't take your baby away.

Oblomov Tue 12-Nov-13 20:00:52

Take a look at the online Edinburgh test for pnd. Speak to your gp.
I am not entirely convinced that you have pnd. I think you have had a very very tough time.
But then your comment about reaching out for the nice mummy, I never felt that. So maybe.
You need support. To talk to someone you trust.

DancingLady Tue 12-Nov-13 20:11:27

Do talk to your GP. Your DD will not be taken away - even if mums are treated in a psych hospital for PND (as I was when DD was 6 weeks old) it's v important that your baby is with you, and the health services will ensure this happens. You can't get better if you're taken away from her. My experience of a M&B unit was that nurses were on hand to help with DD when I couldn't cope, but the real goal was to help me to bond with her and to care for her myself. Also, anti-depressants helped me a lot.

Please do get help, it's awful you're so unhappy and think that it won't change. It can change. You're not Horrid Mummy. You're just not 'you' at the moment and it's very scary.

My DD is 3 now and we're past the awful early months (OK the first year smile). You can get better.

purrtrillpadpadpad Tue 12-Nov-13 20:29:47

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel really weepy now I've 'come clean' and stopped lying to myself.

I'll go see my GP. oblomov, you might be right in that it's not PND, maybe I just need someone to talk to. I know I go over the delivery a lot. I also feel as though we've been traumatised by DD's reflux. Probably sounds melodramatic but it's true.

Thank you for reassuring me that my DD won't be taken away. I can't wait until she's a little person - or even a ratty teenager - but this babyhood/reflux thing is just a flipping nightmare.

DancingLady Tue 12-Nov-13 20:40:20

It is a nightmare, yes, but it will end soon. It doesn't feel like that when you're in the throes of it, but it will all change really soon. Are you weaning yet? Apparently that can make a big difference to reflux/night waking (not that I can bloody remember).

But do see your GP, even if your DD starts to settle down. They'll probably do the Edinburgh test (takes 5 mins) and offer you options on how you'd like to proceed.

MsBouvier Tue 12-Nov-13 20:49:23

I think it's so hard to see clearly when the demands on your attention (baby, life, partner) etc are constant and you've had no sleep.

I would second what Dancing said - you aren't horrid mummy, you're just going through a shitty time.

When I had depression, I followed the advice on MN and went to the Drs and the help I received in the form of antidepressants and CBT have made a massive difference. Huge.

It sounds like you can trust your GP. Maybe start there?

MsBouvier Tue 12-Nov-13 20:53:16

Oh - and don't know if it will work for you, but with both of mine, getting them into daylight as soon as possible in the morning apparently helps set their body clocks so they sleep in the nighttime.

It did seem to help a bit with mine - I used to wander around the garden in my PJs with them (in summertime, but I'm sure a big blanket would negate the cold now!)

purrtrillpadpadpad Tue 12-Nov-13 21:38:31

That didn't really occur to me. So simple. I used to spend all my time in the garden smoking, so when I stopped, I didn't bother going out there anymore. There's no reason at all why I couldn't sir out there with her. Maybe not in a monsoon but anything else would work. Thanks for the suggestion.

Corygal Tue 12-Nov-13 22:13:20

I'm not surprised you're feeling terrible - you're having an appalling time.

It will end, tho, even tho if it feels like it never can. Talk to the doc and try and get some time away from the baby and doing something nice.

MsBouvier Tue 12-Nov-13 22:21:10

I hope it works. smile

I really struggled with the not smoking, too - have you tried ecigs, if you're desperate? Obviously no good if you're breastfeeding as they still have nicotine in them, but they have been a bit of a lifesaver for me now that dd is weaned.

MsBouvier Tue 12-Nov-13 23:08:28

Misread OP, sorry blush

Anyway, ecigs have really helped.

Oblomov Wed 13-Nov-13 17:02:44

You might be depressed. I don't know.

I gave birth, to a tongue tie baby, who wouldn't bf. They decided not to tell me that he was tongue tied. I struggled to bf. a ds2 who wouldn't sleep. Barely at all. AT night. Screaming and screaming. Inconsolable he was. most of the night.
My diabetes went mad and I was hypo all the time. Fell down the stairs and hurt my back.
And what tuned out to be an aspergers ds1, who people kept telling me wasn't ASD, it was my fault. Bad parenting.
Funnily enough. I couldn't cope. I could barely keep my eyes open. But I still went to the clinic to get him weighed. and met up with my PN group. I didn't withdraw into myself.

But I knew I was a fab mum in difficult circumstances. So when I completed the Edinburgh test. It showed I was not depressed. But i was sleeping and crying alot. But inside I was almost dying. I was struggling. But I didn't tick the right boxes. To get a 'diagnosis' of depression.

My new GP was fab. We tried AD's. Bu they were useless. She said she wasn't surprised, because she didn't think I was depressed.
but by god, I struggled.

You may be nothing like me.
You may indeed be depressed.
or you might be like me. And not classic. But still need help and support in difficult circumstances.

Whatever you are. whichever one.
Hold on. And keep posting so that we can support you.

purrtrillpadpadpad Wed 13-Nov-13 17:08:24

Christ, oblomov. Fair play to you for surviving that. Sounds really bloody rough. [gin]

I feel about a zillion stone lighter today because I posted yesterday. I've even made DD laugh on two separate occasions. I don't feel all trapped and angry and close to tears right now. I think talking about it has released some of the pressure, like a load of steam from a bubbling pan.

purrtrillpadpadpad Wed 13-Nov-13 17:09:27

No gin icon yet. wine

Oblomov Wed 13-Nov-13 17:14:03

Good. smile

Talk to your Gp.
Talk to a friend.
Take dd out in the pram.
Sit and have a coffee.
Go to a group and have a chat to a mum.

Then your'll have more of an idea whether you are depressed.
or whether it is just, shit circumstances grin

Have you made an appointment yet, with your GP, OP?

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