Am i a bad mum or is there something chemically wrong with me?

[Tarynb]

I have always been a very glass half empty person, am overweight and also a stay at home mum with the second child, although i do clerical work in the evenings and at nap time for my husbands company. there have been two instances in the last week where i have screamed and sworn at my 2 year old, i would describe it as red mist as i just cant stop myself if i am on my own with her, if my husband is at home he often tells me to go to another room to cool down. the first instance was when i found my two year old smearing a very expensive compact of foundation all over the sofa whilst i was in the kitchen washing up the dinner plates, i screamed and swore at her, but half hour after i was in tears at how cruel i was and realising its just make up, it can be replaced, and just now have just gone to check on her as she wasnt settling for her nap, and found strips of wallpaper in her cot that she had ripped off the wall, again with the screaming and swearing as the red mist decended again. now am trying very hard to type through the stream of tears flooding down my face as i wish i could take it back.
having looked on the nhs website i saw a few symptoms that i recognise but just put it down to tiredness as she is not a good sleeper etc, i used to be so house proud and just realised that its been ages since i last did a proper clean of the house, and used to go to all sorts of groups but lately i cant be bothered and prefer to sit at home. i do feel that maybe i want to see someone but worry that i will just be wasting their time. and she is nearly two, if there is something wrong with me it cant be post natal depression can it? i just want to be happier and as much as a try i seem to be sinking further in to the pit. i dont want my kids to grow up with a misreable mum who flies off the handle for the slightest thing and screams at them all the time, please can someone give me some advise? thank you x

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I don't think you are a bad mother, but it does sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

I think making an appointment with your GP is a really good idea. You wouldn't be wasting their time at all and it may really help. You could also tell your health visitor you are finding it difficult to cope. Maybe they could suggest a parenting group/class to support you and help you work out different ways to deal with your DC when the red mist descends?

Hope things improve for you soon.

[OhGood]

I think you have done so right to start talking about this now, and to realise / start thinking about what you might need to do next, to get some help / perspective. Definitely see your GP - good luck.