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Have I got PND?

(14 Posts)
Lioncubs Wed 02-Oct-13 00:09:04

When my second baby was born we struggled to find a name. My husband was useless. I chose a name but felt a bit uneasy as a friend I see occasionally has the same name. My husband ok'd it. Then last minute changed his mind. I came up with another name and got reassured it was and not wacky by a couple of friends. My son arrives, I announce this new name and my parents make it very clear they hate it saying he will be teased at school. I felt horrendous!

3 months went by of wincing when I had to say his name even though my parents said they'd got used to it. I came obsessed he'd get bullied and suppose thought I was a bad mum. I talked to lots of people (probably a mistake as people have very diff opinions on names) and twisted everything to the point I convinced my loving husband to change the name.

For two weeks I was happy but then I was mortified again. You have to be so brave telling people constantly that a name has changed and I obviously wasn't 10% either way. This time for having the same name as my friend, plus for listening to my parents who actually were embarrassed they had caused me to change it (hopefully not because they had to tell their friends I had changed a name). Embarrassed as people actually asked me why and it didn't occur to people certainly this generation that a name would be teased!

I just don't know whether to change the name back or not.

Flatiron Wed 02-Oct-13 09:54:07

I would go with your gut instinct. I think it must be quite a common occurrence, because there is a form to complete, from the register office, for just such an eventuality (as long as the name change has taken place within 12 months of birth). You don't say what the name is, but friends of mine decided to call their gorgeous ds Herbert, and I remember my mum querying whether he'd get teased, as it was 'old fashioned', but he usually gets called Herb, or Herbie, has never been teased as far as I know, and really suits his name! There are so many unusual names these days, that I don't think teasing around names is much of an issue, tbh. I would go with the name you first wanted, otherwise it'll carry on niggling you. In a few months time, you won't be able to imagine him as anything else!

MorrisZapp Wed 02-Oct-13 09:59:51

Is this a baby name question or a mental health one? Mental health, I can help you. Baby name, I can't.

Your level of obsession does remind me of myself when I had PND, how are you feeling otherwise?

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Oct-13 10:18:09

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

Could you give him both names, one as a middle name? A friend from Uni has a very nice 'normal' name (think Edward) as his first name and a much more unusual, some might say 'old man' middle name (think Clifford). He uses Edward for official stuff and work, but all his friends know him as Clifford. I think it's a good compromise if you can't decide either way.

I'm sorry your parents were unsupportive. Just ignore them and don't second guess your self asking other people what they think. All that matters is your opinion and your DH's (who sounds lovely!)

I would definitely speak to your HV or GP and tell them you are feeling down. Maybe you will feel better once the name issue is resolved, but worth flagging it up now just in case.

I hope you get this all sorted soon. FWIW I think people inform my opinion of names rather than names informing my opinion on people. Your DS's name will be great because he is. smile

Lioncubs Wed 02-Oct-13 10:35:21

I don't feel like I can't get out of bed or anything. I am just racked with guilt at night. I am so confused now I don't know what I think! I spoke to HV and she said maybe name has unnerved me plus I went into protection mode for my son!?!

I do get very emotional at night so don't sleep and this is having a knock on effect to the day. It is constantly on my mind! I suppose I have so much guilt now but it swings around...

Shouldn't have called him a name that rhymes with farty
Should not have tried to get an unusual name and gone with something like jack
Then back...
Should not have taken a name that a friend has
Should have listened to the people that said it was fine
Should not have listened to my parents as rebel mostly on other stuff

My gut was happy with new name in last week purely as it wasn't the same as a friend. I was a bit unsure of both I suppose. My gut then felt I had to change it. Now my gut doesn't know what to do and I am lost thinking perhaps I find a new name altogether (a close friend now has jack!).

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Oct-13 11:20:14

I think both names are really lovely and also completely normal. I know gorgeous boys with both those names! It's how you feel that's important though.

You do sound down and, apart from anything else, when you have a baby and an older DC you need all the sleep you can get! What does your DP think? Could you make an appointment with your GP?

Flatiron Wed 02-Oct-13 11:25:33

I'm sorry you are in such turmoil. Whether or not you have underlying PND, and I agree you probably need to flag this up with a health professional, the uncertainty over names is obviously adding to the pressure in a big way.

This probably isn't any help, but all three of my dc ended up with four, yes four names, because we were so indecisive. Some of them were duplicated, as well, because we'd used up some of our top choices with ds1! And I think we went right up to the limit for registering all 3. It's a good job I didn't know then about the 12 month 'change' period.

Are you still able to discuss names with your husband, and does he know how stressed you are?

Lioncubs Wed 02-Oct-13 13:57:31

Yes my husband is amazing!! He sees it so black and white like a name is just a name. He says if we change again everyone will know I'm psycho!

The name now is Finley but everyone already mostly calls him Finn. I don't hate this name but Finn is exactly the same name as my friend. Suppose that's why I feel a bit embarrassed even though she doesn't care and tries to tell me this! She lives abroad and we are like sisters.

I don't hate the new name and do still like the old name. I suppose I wish I could turn back time and start all over again!

Flatiron Wed 02-Oct-13 16:50:14

Why not try and put it to one side for a period decided by you - let's say 2 weeks - during which you deliberately try not to think about it too much, and give yourself a bit of a rest from the internal wrangling - you need it! (Always with the safety net that you still have plenty of time to change the name, if that's what you decide ultimately).

See how you feel after that. You may find that your mind has made itself up. You can always have whichever name isn't first, as a second name, just in case!
Your baby doesn't care about his name, he just wants you smile

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Wed 02-Oct-13 18:24:34

Agree with everything flatiron says. And if one if my friends gave their DC the same name as me I would be thrilled and take it as a huge compliment.

Lioncubs Wed 02-Oct-13 19:38:13

Oh ladies that's a great idea. I will try 2 weeks to be strong as appose to letting myself feel guilty about the old name or new name. Then I will assess. Like you say my baby just wants me and luckily he is so happy. I definitely have more fun when I put it aside during the day when I'm busy. Also his name now actually has both names and a third that was a grandad so there is plenty of option and time to decide.

I'm rational now so I just hope I am in the night. Thanks so much for you help ladies.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Thu 03-Oct-13 09:23:15

Hope you had a better night.

If he has three names I think you can call him any of them and it wouldn't be weird at all! No one calls DM by the name she was christened with. Half the people she knows call her by a diminutive that isn't that similar and the other half by a completely different nickname that is a name as well! Only ever causes problems when it comes to plane tickets grin

Lioncubs Thu 03-Oct-13 13:34:09

Andifeedemgunpowder thanks for making it seem normal then if he has more than one name. I need to not panic and think I've lost a name.

Nights are still hard to switch off. I seem to like punishing myself too much but I'm trying hard!

Lioncubs Thu 03-Oct-13 13:37:01

Thanks to everyone

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