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Advice needed please

(10 Posts)
bluehearted Fri 12-Jul-13 20:55:57

Hello ladies
I'm looking for some advice. I had my son 5 months ago, extremely difficult labour which has left me in acute pain due to SPD postpartum. I am in constant pain and sometimes can't even manage the stairs. As time goes on I have been feeling increasingly low. I am often extremely teary and on the verge of tears. I get flashbacks/nightmares about my sons delivery. Because of the pain I'm in I feel guilty that I can't do all the things with my son I want to (can't carry him for long without pain being too much) and this makes me feel very low.

I have battled with depression when I was younger and I'm concerned I'm slipping. Friends have commented that I seem low or not myself. My DH is understanding but I haven't spoken to him about how I'm feeling.
I would really appreciate some opinions or advice. I know this probably seems trivial in comparison to what some women go through, but I'm exhausted with feeling like I'm about to sink.
Sorry this was long, thank you for reading this!

mumblecrumble Fri 12-Jul-13 23:00:06

Congratulations on your baby boy smile I do hope some of motherhood feels lovely as it sounds like you have been very 'unlucky' in your birth.

Please go to your GP, maybe make a long appointment? My tactic is to spill everything out and let the lovely doctor make a plan, think about medication etc. [not that I do that all the time I just mean in hte times that it feels like everything is crappy]

Seems like there are several issues: Pain, thinking about your hard and traumatic birth, depression, communication with your husband, guilt of how its effecting your baby and you're knackered.

My two pence worth [I am not a health professional, just a lot of your post sounds familiar]

Pain - Please seek help and consider medication. I have chronic pain, mainly in my arms, neck and hands but recently had back injury too. Everyone felt a need to tell me about how they choose to "live with their pain" and "don;t want to put chemicals into my system". Well, each to their own but my life has been transformed with medication and it pretty much solved soooooo many issues in our household and family. I can lift my daughter up when she falls, hand write a little bit, etc etc. What ever your situation and how you feel their are always things to try - please see your doctor. Also, have adapted my table to a little 'cooking station; as standing right now is so hard. Evening meals are now lovely ass instead of crying with pain I sit with radio on, chopping veg, DD can help, etc etc

Also. it will get better. Even it is just in how you cope.

Brith - so sorry it was crap. I think a traumatic birth has so many legacies. Pain is awful and the mind doesn;t like it either. I didnlt resent my dd but I know those who did an I totally understand. Personally, I had difficult birth and what upset me was the thought I might never want another child and that it felt like all our big family plans were out the window. I cried so much for my second child i might never have f that makes sense. I find I am now terrified of knives, cutting, anything surgical after c section. i wont go into details but after several bleeds and infections in my wound I felt I had this gaping whole that my guts wuld just spill out of. Even now, if I look at the pale, healthy scar it makes me feel a bit icky...

There are things you can do. like chat to midwives and discuss the liekylhood of what might happen next time as well as helping you process it. Again, see your GP. You have post traumatic stress and its is very very real. Treatment and help is alwso real.

Depression - not surpirsed you feel so low, its a really hard time for you. Do talk. Don;t feel guility. This has happend TO you , no by you, if that makes sense. its possible your partner is feeling low too as he must be worried for you. And its so big having a baba, even if its not your first.

Guilt. This is the feeling that overwhelmed me being a new mum, only second to anxiety. In terms of not being able to carry your son, it is ok. Me and dd had 'hillarious' evenings when I would attempt a sling then have to go to a neighbour cos I couldn;t get her off with my arms etc... DD is now 5 and from very early on she knows that mummy cuddles sat down and in bed and that daddy carries her. Terrible twos often found me sat on the floor in Morrisons while poeple told me to 'just pick her up'. Doesn;lt bother me now as I know she is getting what she needs, end of.

You;ll feel guilt at everything anyway, sorry! Like when DD put crisps in her packed lunch, next to the fruit, healthy stuff etc, still heard Gove tellign everyone packed lunches should be banned,......

Anyway. Sorry, its been long but I just wanted to say it will get better, you will either get better or learn to cope. Do look into pain medication though, as I said, it has changed my life. [i am feeling a bit sore as I type adn I just BEAM as its sooooo mild compared to lying in agony.

is spd likely to improve?

mumblecrumble Fri 12-Jul-13 23:02:13

Lordy. My typos are dreadful. Apologies

MorrisZapp Fri 12-Jul-13 23:07:09

Don't know about spd but I do know about depression. You need to speak to your doctor, and be really honest. More honest than you would be with your DH. If you do have depression, anti depressants may very well help you through it.

Worst thing to do is to put on a happy face when you feel dead inside. Tell somebody, but most of all tell a doctor. And us, of course. Take care x

bluehearted Fri 12-Jul-13 23:19:21

Thanks mumble, your post was really useful. I relate to so much of what you say and the more I think about things the more I realise I need to see the doctor, about a whole heap of things! I'm having physio but my pelvis is like glass and the physio is wary of hurting me, so I've switched physio which I'm hoping will help! It's possible the damage is permanent and that just makes me want to cry! My DH is very good, he's supportive and lovely in every way, gives me lots of breaks with DS so that I'm not doing everything or too much, he comes home on his lunch etc and is very caring. I suppose it's just hard to express my emotional feelings for fear of being weak.
It's interesting to hear how you have coped and how you and your husband have different "roles", that's something we might have to consider when DS is older and if this problem doesn't improve!
I will book an appointment on Monday for the doctor. Thank you so much for your reply.. And you Morris, so helpful knowing there is a place like this where you can talk!

mumblecrumble Fri 12-Jul-13 23:24:31

Its interesting that you say 'for fear of being weka' as I say this so often to DH. I feel I am more 'sickness' than 'health' if you know what I mean. But I also know if we swapped we would be the same, if that makes sense.

PLease see the doctor as you have many problems that are real and horrid BUT can be helped. Have you any pain medication? Cos pain is massive, takes over the whole body, provokes depression. Yuck, nasty stuff, pain.

mumblecrumble Fri 12-Jul-13 23:26:15

Also, even if you;d had a dream birth etc, 5 months is a real killer. Knackered beyond belief, feeding like mad, awake more..... really hard work.

I rememebr our Health visitor, at 6 month check said she could promise us the next 6 months would be easier and they really were.

bluehearted Fri 12-Jul-13 23:39:34

They have tried me on different pain medication but nothing seems to agree with me hmm so I just take paracetamol and ibroprofen. I've tried loads and nothing works or agrees with me. You're right about pain taking over everything and when there isn't a quick fix it makes it harder to deal with and to face. It makes me feel very low indeed.
Tiredness doesn't help though either, DS is a very good sleeper but I don't sleep well because of pain and nightmares.
I just want to wake up pain free and happy... If only!

Susie888 Sat 13-Jul-13 07:11:33

Hi Bluehearted really sorry to hear your story. I am not a professional but I have read that sometimes something called 'Post Traumatic Shock' can come on after a traumatic birth (involves flashbacks - if you are interested you can find more information when you google it). It can happen after lots of different types of stressful/traumatic events including a difficult birth but is treatable and I think is actually quite 'normal' given what you have been through - if there is such a word as normal nowaadays!

Hope the DR helps - going or asking to be referred to counselling might help so that you can talk through everything with someone who is trained (and also unrelated to the situation). I have suffered from depression and anxiety on and off and its taken getting pregnant for the first time to push me to see a counsellor properly (I really don't like to open up in person/suffer from the fear of being judged - have only just started but I am feeling a little better that I know there is someone there I can talk to every week and say things/sort things out in my head).

You say that what you are going through is probably nothing compared to others but I really do not think that is the case. To me it sounds like you have gone through an awful lot with the birth (both physically and mentally) and having another child to look after too can't be easy and must put a lot of strain on you.
I am suffering from depressive feelings and anxiety and I haven't even given birth yet which makes me so worried about the future as these feelings are difficult enough to live with without having the thought of someone else to 'look after' - the pressure in that sense really gets to me and if I am honest I am terrified of becoming a mother and the responsibility (hence the counsellor) but anyway that is another issue for another post.

Let us know how you get on if you can and maybe it will help to vent things on here some (I know I do).

sending love and understanding


Susie888 Sat 13-Jul-13 07:46:06

sorry just reread and not sure you do have another child - but either way it still sounds like you are going through/have been through a lot

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