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Has anyone been admitted to hospital with PND?

(29 Posts)
BionicEmu Tue 26-Mar-13 16:47:31

DD is 9 weeks old and, if I'm being honest, I'm not coping. I also have 2.5 year old DS. I've been seeing peri-natal psych team from early in this pregnancy as I was struggling with AND, & had PND after DS was born.

For the last few weeks I've been lying when my CPN came, persuaded myself & her that I was ok. Today, I just couldn't do it. Spent a good hour in tears when she came. She thinks I should agree to be admitted to the mother-and-baby unit. I just don't know what to think or do. I seem to be incapable of properly thinking about anything at the mo. All I know is I can't stand the thought of being away from DS. We're fairly rural, and my in-laws even moreso, assuming they'd look after him, so they're about 1.5 hours away from the hospital, we're about an hour.

I just can't be away from him. As awful as it sounds (& I'm crying while typing this), I would be fine with leaving DD, she's too young to know any better, but DS has been v clingy.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions, advice or experience really. I just can't think straight.

Ragusa Sat 01-Jun-13 23:31:43

Oh you poor love, it sounds like you're having one hell of a time. All the things you are thinking - about being a crap mum, failing your kids etc., are a symptom of your depression: they are not the truth.

I bet you wouldn't feel guilty if you had something 'physical' like a heart problem and needed to be hospitalised for that. There's still so much stigma attached to MH issues, and so much of it is internalised by us sad

I really hope you're doing OK in the M and B unit - I nearly went to one but was talked out of it by CPN and CMH team. Three months later, I was feeling so much better. There's light at the end of the tunnel, it might just take a while until you see it. Keep posting on here if you can. It saved my sanity during my really bleak period.


Shellywelly1973 Fri 29-Mar-13 22:31:19

Just read your thread.

Really wanted to wish you well, let you know how bloody brave you are & send you a great big hug.

Take care. X

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 18:03:28

You haven't failed! This is a step towards getting better!!

Baby steps but you will get there.

Much much love to you bionic

working9while5 Thu 28-Mar-13 17:57:29

You have not failed. You can't help your feeling, that's true.. but that's okay. I also feel sure you have made the right decision to help yourself and your family. I hope your stay is a short one that is as pleasant as it can be. Will be thinking of you x

onceipopicantstop Thu 28-Mar-13 17:47:41

Hi not sure if you'll be reading this thread again this evening but just wanted to wish you the very best of luck. I'm sure you have made the right decision to help both yourself and your family and I hope you feel better soon smile.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 16:41:14

Thanks for all your posts, they really do mean a lot. CPN has come & we've decided I'm going in to be admitted. She reserved a bed for me a few days ago just in case I changed my mind. Thought that while I was in the right state to be amenable to being admitted should take advantage of that before I shut down again.

Not sure what procedures etc are there, so not sure if I'll come back to this thread or not.

Logically I know I can't go on like this. I have a history of suicide attempts & serious self-harm when I have dissociative episodes, & I'm getting more & worse of those. Still can't help but feel like I've failed; like I've lost, just because I've agreed to go in.

Iwasinamandbunit Thu 28-Mar-13 15:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

working9while5 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:16:34

Hi Bionic,

first things first, hugs.

Secondly, please know that these things that you are telling yourself about being a failure are just stories. The amazing thing that I never knew about these stories before having treatment for AND/PND/Perinatal OCD is that everyone is telling them to themselves: everyone feels this way on some level and in some way. Essentially those of us with diagnoses just get trapped in the stories we are telling ourselves about who we are and what possibilities lie ahead of us.

I know that writing this possibly won't make a difference to you because I remember when I was in this word trap in my mind, I literally couldn't see how it could be anything other than True with a capital T. It took a lot of therapy to be able to change that thinking, but now it seems absolutely bizarre to me to remember how entrenched my beliefs were.

I will tell you that when I got better, my ds1 who is the same age as yours regained his confidence and lost all his clinginess. I was finding that so hard... but now you would never know that we had those dark months. I think we have similar age gaps - my ds1 ws 2.5 when my ds2 was born. It is only natural that you feel more guilt about your older one because you are only barely getting to know the second and the first one is known so intimately by you. I found that very hard too. They hardly seem like real people when they are that tiny, I find babies difficult before they develop communication and I have found even in the last few weeks as ds2 becomes more communicative (he is nine months) I feel so much better even though I have been feeling quite decent for some time.

I use a lot of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) stuff to help me. This in a nutshell is about:
accepting where you are right now (this doesn't mean you like it, just that you recognise that it is what it is and stop the struggle and adding to the endless stories of failure and hopelessness by trying to gently and kindly bring your thinking back to the here and now, one moment at a time)
*committing to what matters to you*: you love these kids, it is shining through in everything you write. That is the cruelty of postnatal illness. You feel trapped like you can't provide that love, you feel it must be unworthy because you can't "snap out of it", if your love was good enough you wouldn't be in so much pain etc. The problem is all these stories you tell that make you the bad guy just make you feel worse. Think about what you want, not what you don't want. What direction do you want your life to go in? What do you want to happen next? Even if it seems impossible to think of a brighter future, ask yourself what you would be doing if you could wave a magic wand..
taking action to go in the direction that matters - this. Do what it takes to get you to what you most value. Your mind is tricking you into thinking if you were gone that your kids would be better off, but this is never true. Try to find that bit of you from before that still knows what your deepest dreams for yourself and your family are, and hold that in your mind if you can even if it makes you cry and you feel it is impossible. One breath at a time. One step at a time. You don't have to believe right now, you just have to act as if you do.

This will help you make a decision about what to do and how best to support your recovery. Keep talking. Hugs.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 15:07:22

Glad cpn will be with you soon, where is dh/dp? At work? When will he get home?

My little sister had to wear an eye patch as a toddler, it was a pita, does he have a funky patch, can you make it into a game, both dress as pirates? My sister is now fine eyesight wise BTW.

I reme Ber my sister with her patch on sorting hundreds and thousands into pots for each colour and then she would get to put a tube of icing onto a digestive biscuit and decorate it with the sprinkles!

I had the same with meds,some said it was fine and some were horrified. My dd is now 27mths and fine, sure your dd will be as well. Its always a balancing act remeds and preg, you followed the advice given that's all you could do.

Do you know if there is home start in your area? Your HV cpoulkd arrange it for you.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 15:00:41

Sorry, don't mean to be rude & not answer questions. Am technically in E. Midlands. Home with DD by ourselves at moment, although cpn probably be here soon, so if I disappear it's probably because she's here.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 14:57:13

Cpn's been coming every day, she'll probably be here soon.

DS still under paediatrician, still taking medication, still being sick. Oh, & he's got a squint & a lazy eye. Supposed to wear a patch for 2 hours a day, but I'm lucky if I can get him to keep it on for 2 minutes. Orthoptist keeps going on about how important it is for his future sight, so failing at that too.

Different docs kept telling me different things re: withdrawal. Psychiatrist said it would be fine, one obstetrician said it would be fine, one obstetrician was horrified & said high chance of withdrawal.

onceipopicantstop Thu 28-Mar-13 14:43:03

Bionic these things are all out of your control. Feeding difficulties are really not that uncommon in babies especially premmies. Is he under follow up for his reflux?

I understand how distressing it must have been to see DD unwell but I'm sure you alone didn't make the decision to be on medication when pregnant?? There must have been a discussion about the pros and cons? Your psychiatrist would not have prescribed the medication if she didn't think it was in the best interests of you and your daughter.

Perhaps your son is insecure because of the new baby rather than anything you personally have done, or anything to do with the PND?

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 14:35:44

None of that is your fault, those things were all out of your control.

I took medication when preg with dd that meant we had to stay in after birth as she could suffer withdrawal, we got lucky and she didn't suffer withdrawal. That was luck, you weren't so lucky sad that was not your fault.

Your sons reflux is not your fault, pre-eclampsia and induction not working were not your fault.

Toddlers often go through clingy stages, this is normal. He may feel anxious as you aren't well but he will get over it. Its part of being a toddler and growing up and realizing its OK to be separate from you. Its normal development.

You are poorly that is why you think and feel this way. Do you have a counsellor/cpn to talk to?

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 14:30:56

Had DS 6 weeks early. Failed at keeping him safe inside properly. Failed at feeding him, he was readmitted after discharge & was tube-fed for 2 weeks. He's now 2.5 & still suffering with severe reflux, whatever I try I can't help him.

With DD I had pre-eclampsia & was induced at 38 weeks. Except it took days & I ended up on the drip. So failed. Days 2-7 she spent literally screaming. She was suffering from withdrawal from medications I take. I caused that. My perfect baby, just screaming & shaking & jittery & sucking so hard for comfort that she pulled chunks off my nipples. Except it turned out that whilst I had a bit of colostrum my milk never came in, and she lost a lot of weight too.

DS was a wonderful toddler, so confident & bright, but now he's that insecure that he screams if I leave him & won't let go of my hand to go to play.

See? This is the pain I've caused to my babies. They deserve so much better than the shit I've put them through.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 14:27:22

Do you have anyone with you at the moment? Where are you roughly?

Keep talking and post on here if it helps.

And do pm if it will help xx

weegiemum Thu 28-Mar-13 14:24:55

I've pm'd you, Bionic xx

onceipopicantstop Thu 28-Mar-13 14:24:08

Please don't think you have failed. Just admitting things aren't going well makes you a great mum - you need to admit this to make things better. And remember the AND and PND are not your fault. Its easy to start feeling you are the cause of everything that seems wrong but you haven't it's the illness. Are you on your own today? Do you have a friend or family member to give you a hug??

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 14:18:50

A normal mum! And a poorly mum which is what you are. I have no doubt your children are lovely and perfect. You haven't failed!!! The illness is making you think this way.

Bollocks to the perfect lab our and bfeeding! A lot of that is luck, its not a competition. Your babies are here and well now and that's what counts.

You haven't deliberately failed at birth and feeding and you haven't deliberately made them Ill I am sure.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 14:14:54

My children are so beautiful but I've put them through so much. I just fail at everything about being a mother. Failed at pregnancy, failed at labour, failed at feeding, failed at getting them healthy, failed at keeping other bits of them healthy, actually caused some health problems for them. Now I think about it, they've really been put through the mill. What sort of mother does that?

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 14:03:38

Am posting on my phone at moment so cant respond very well but please please dont think you are shit. You are poorly and you will get well again.

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Thu 28-Mar-13 14:02:21

No you arent shit and he wouldnt be better off without you but you need a break and to get well.

Your ds may miss you but he will get a happier ans more well.mummy back again and he is only little, he wont remember this long term. My ds3 was a similar age and has no memory of the time i was poorly.

Please be kind to yourself and do pm me if you want xxx

BionicEmu Thu 28-Mar-13 13:56:43

Thanks for all your replies. My CPN's been coming every day, still wants me to be admitted voluntarily. I just can't. I know it makes me selfish, but I was in hospital a few times during my last pregnancy, and DS really struggled with it. The stupid thing is, I think the best thing to do for my children is just to go away. DS would finally get sorted, & they'd both have the care & upbringing that they deserve. I do want the best for them, & I've realised & accepted that that's not me.

Clearly other people think so too, or why would they separate me from DS? He'd be far better off with my in-laws, which is basically what my cpn is saying.

As it is I'm just too shit to do anything. I haven't the energy. I seem to cycle between wanting, needing help, & realising that it's all pointless hassle.

Iwasinamandbunit Wed 27-Mar-13 22:35:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Casserole Wed 27-Mar-13 12:14:12

Hey Emu. How you doing today?

5eggstremelychocaletymadeggs Tue 26-Mar-13 18:10:08

Yes i have when ds4 was 3/4mths old. Unfortunately.there isny a mother and baby unit nr me so i.had to.go to a general psych ward and leave ds4 and my other three. I was in for a week, so not long and after a few days i was allowed 'leave' to visit dp and the children.

It was hard but i did get some much needed sleep! With the help of medication and support was then put in place to help me once home.

Obviously my experience will be different because i went to a normal psych unit. but i have been where you are so pm me if you want to chat xxx

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