Still traumatised 5 months later....(12 Posts)
My gorgeous DS was born by planned c section due to transverse position, I have a mildly bicornate uterus so turning the baby wasn't an option. It was all very last minute and he was only found to be transverse the day before he was born. I was booked for a home birth and had had a wonderful pregnancy until week 39.... I was diagnosed with obstetric colestasis and baby had to be delivered for his safety and induction was not an option due to his position. I was devastated to say the least as a c section was my worst nightmare and there I was with it being my only option. I had a massive panic attack on the operating table, no help or even an offer to hold my baby at delivery, he was 40mins old before a midwife 'had the time' to help me. I had an awful recovery with poor pain relief. When they did give me morphine it made me very dizzy and I fainted while holding my baby and he landed on the hard ward floor. After that I was pack on paracetamol only - it was horrific.
5 months later I'm still crying everyday about everything that happened. I so desperately wanted to give birth naturally and feel I had it all taken away from me. I feel like I have a huge emotional gap that nothing can fill.
I keep telling myself that it can all be different next time and even went for a debrief appointment with the consultant. The first thing he said was that I should now always have c sections. This was more than I could take and I broke down in from of him. He gave no other reason than I had a big baby (9lb 7oz) and was likely to be unsuccessful with another big one.
I'm now completely obsessed with researching all I can about vbac. My plan was to hire an independent midwife but its likely they will no longer be practicing after oct this year. So I'm stuck with the NHS. The consultant has already written to my GP saying that all future pregnancies will have to be under consultant care. I can't imagine anything worse. I'm so distressed by everything I'm considering having no more children - which is heartbreaking in itself as I've always wanted at least 3 babies. Can I opt out of consultant care? And stick with the community midwives?
My dh is very supportive but doesn't understand the daily tears and I've even started hiding it from him now to avoid a row over it.
I know that vbac is perfectly possible - as the many positive stories on mn show - I just need to know how to get a supportive team around me for my next pregnancy (if there is one) and how to get away from the consultant.
I'm really sorry for the loooong post - just needed to get it all out. I thought by now I'd be feeling better about it all but it feels more raw than ever.
Sorry to hear about your awful experiences, it does sound horribly traumatic. I'm not sure I can offer any advice wrt opting out of consultant care, as I'm not in the UK, but it does sound like you are suffering awfully from this. I also have no experience of c-section, so I'm probably not much help - just didn't want you to go unanswered, hopefully someone who can help will be along soon.
The only thing I can suggest is that you maybe see your GP about possible post-traumatic stress disorder?
Sorry I'm not a lot of help.
Thanks for your reply. I think I'm suffering from PTSD too. I relive the whole experience over and over all the time. Sometimes I wake up crying/screaming as I think my baby is on the floor all over again or can still feel the pain of a c section and only paracetamol to relieve it. It's a living nightmare.
You definitely need to see your GP. It sounds awful.
I can completely understand why this might make you re-think having more children. All I can say is what you already know - that the vast, vast majority of births go smoothly, and that many women go on to have straightforward VBACs. If you have alwasy wanted a bigger family, it would be a shame to let this get in the way.
Could you choose a different hospital or at the very least a different consultant, in the future? I would also look into the hospital's complaints procedure, as there is no way you should have been left in a position where you could drop your baby.
And don't hide it from your DH. He wants you to feel better, he probably feels helpless and worried about you.
How are you doing, Teatime? Have you made an appointment to see your GP?
Hi, no not yet. He is very dismissive and sometimes quite rude so I'm very reluctant to foot be honest. I have however looked into seeing a private counsellor - I have found one locally who specialises in birth trauma. I am going to give her a call. I'm not interested in taking medication and I think talking through it all will be more effective for me
I'm glad you've taken some steps towards getting better - although it is a shame your GP is not more helpful. I think you might be right, that counselling might be more helpful than medication. Good luck, I do hope it helps.
Have you considered a doula? They don't replace midwives, consultants or gp's, but are there to support the mother and the decisions she makes. They can attend antenatal appts as well the birth, and help you to fight your corner if necessary. If you are in the Hampshire area I can recommend an excellent one who has had a vbac herself!
I had a traumatic birth and ptsd which was not diagnosed for a long time. I am finally getting better with the help of emdr two years later. I did have counselling initially which did not help at all and my emdr therapist says counselling makes ptsd worse. My gp was useless. In ptsd your memories are stuck in part of your brain which makes you feel you are constantly reliving the epxerience. Emdr mves them to the part of your brain that registers them as past events. And being told at least the baby is ok just doesn,t help
So sorry to hear about your appalling experience. Not much to add I'm afraid other than that I think counselling sounds like a very sensible route for you and I sincerely hope it works.
Could you not ask to see a GP other than your own if they're rude and dismissive? This is a very serious matter and should be dealt with as such. Also, please don't dismiss the idea of medication out of hand if it is something that could genuinely help you.
Wrt wanting a larger family it would seem a shame to let bad experiences due to others deter you so I really hope it works out.
Thanks for all your replies everyone. I go through phases of feeling ok, then I'm in tears again- being busy helps but I know that's a tempory fix. The amount of people that just tell me 'baby is ok, and that's the main thing' is astonishing. Of course it's important, but it dosent change how you feel about everything that happened. I have seriously considered a doula, and if independent midwives are no more after this year then that is the route I will be taking. I don't live in the Hampshire area in afraid, but will be on the search for a doula who specialises in vbac.
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