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Really need some help and advice :(

(7 Posts)
MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 10:12:29

I'm in a very difficult position at the moment and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do.
I'm due to give birth very soon to a little boy and I'm not 100% sure about who his father is.

It's a slightly complicated situation Im in, so, please bear with me. I have been with my husband for three years and we TTC many times resulting in several miscarriages and a stillbirth. Before I found out I was pregnant, we seperated as everything just seemed to of took its toll on us both and I needed some space to grieve and so did my husband. It was a very hard time and during our separation, I stupidly met someone else and slept with him.

Anyway, forward a week or two, me and my OH had some serious talking to do and we decided to get back together. We love one another and blaming each other and taking it out on each other about what had happened was wrong of us both and we knew we really needed each other. A week or so later, I missed my period. I was so elated and ran off to buy a test. It came back positive, I told my OH and we were absolutely over the moon. We had our twelve week scan and it was real;ly only then that this sudden , horrible realization sunk in that in fact, this wonderful little baby may not in fact be my OH.

Now, Im so close to giving birth and Im petrified. I've never told him this possibility because of all what had happened before. I could never find the words or bring myself to tell him. All I wanted was to have a family with my husband and I'm so scared I know how wrong I've been and I've dealt with it the wrong way. He's so happy and he'd be the worlds best Dad.
I'm so scared of giving birth to my little boy and seeing him in case I dont see any of my OH in him. Its like I dont want to meet my baby which is a horrendous feeling.
I really feel at a loss. I don't know where to turn. My OH is my best friend and he's the one person I cant talk to about this. I've discussed it with my midwife but she just said ''Ill just know'' when the babys born which wasnt much help really.

I feel like I've right royally messed everything up. I wish we'd never broken up and I'd been so bloody stupid but obviously there's nothing I can do about that now. What's done is done. I just don't want to break my OH heart and I feel that no matter WHAT I do, I'm going to hurt him. I want what's best for my family and right now, I dont know what that is. I feel like Im a terrible wife and Im going to be a horrible Mother and my little boy deserves better than this

I'm not sure if the pregnancy hormones are making everything seem a lot worse and making it harder to think straight about everything.

Please, Im not looking for criticism. I already beat myself up enough about the whole thing as it is, believe me. I just need some help and advice. All I wanted was a baby and a family with my OH and now the little guy is nearly here, Im dreading it when I should be so so happy that Im going to be a Mummy

UterusUterusGhaLaLaLaLaLi Wed 05-Dec-12 13:56:55

Oh you poor thing.

Did you have unprotected sex with this other guy then?

I'm not sure what to say to help you.
Was the other chap the same ethnicity? I only ask, because if not you probably need to tell dh ASAP.


MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 14:02:27

Yes, it was. It was a stupid, drunken error of judgement and not something Ive ever done before having unprotected sex. I honestly cant believe how dumb I was.

Yes, we're the same ethnicity.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Wed 05-Dec-12 14:14:35

Your baby should be protected, unborn and post-delivery. You need to ensure your own safety.
Tempting to keep this secret and hope for the best. If it were just you involved, no problem, but it affects others.

Rather than endure the last weeks of pregnancy under pressure of this secret, I would tell OH in daytime, privately but with someone else you trust close at hand in a safe environment.

If you decide to tell before delivery, it will be devastating but from that moment, simple unvarnished truth. OH may leave, unable to cope. Have you resources to manage alone?

Your OH may not be the biological father
but he can still be a wonderful dad.

If your OH is the father you may wish you'd kept quiet. You might think if only I'd not spoilt the birth and our pleasure in our son.

Suppose you wait and tell when your baby is - how old? A week? A month? Perhaps you hope for a sign, a resemblance. OH has grown closer still. Within a short while everyone you two know will have heard the baby's been born, how easy is it to drop the bombshell then?

If he is not the father, imagine how doubly crushed he'll be - not only is he not the father, the whole 9 months was ai lie.

If you risk not telling and gamble OH is the father, do you want this hanging over your head? What about eye colour, blood group, genetics - suppose there's a medical situation later on?

Is the man you slept with known to you? Was he an ex? Is he likely to see you again, with a baby - do sums, challenge paternity?

Suppose you keep quiet, hope for the best, time passes, this relationship falters again for whatever reason. In a moment of rage you hurl the question of your son's parentage at OH?

Remember if any time you fear for your safety or feel threatened, leave or call for help.
Do you have family and friends close by? Has your OH similar support nearby?

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 05-Dec-12 14:40:25

There just never seems to be a right time. Before birth will mean our marriage would be over and im bringing our baby into a broken up home if it is his son and after he's been at the birth and bonded.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. I really didnt.
I love my OH and I never imagined Id be in this situation. I dont want to break his heart and I dont want to lie to him.
Somedays I just wish I hadnt kept my son and then I feel absolutley horrible for even thinking such a thing. I just wish things were simpler. sad

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Wed 05-Dec-12 16:27:01

Nobody else can tell you what to do for the best.

Please consider this: if, after all the upset and trauma of ttc and miscarriages, you are finally pregnant and going to term and able to offer this baby so much, even without your husband by the side this is possible, can you find it in your heart to trust your OH to stick by you? Could you put this down in writing if you can't look him in the face and tell him?

Of course it's not what you wanted, and let's hope your OH is the father, but this baby is blameless and you know he deserves a loving home. If your OH can't handle what has happened, you need to let him go, and do your level best for your DS. If OH stays, you may both need counselling, separately and together.

There is help out there. If you think you are depressed or feel any inclination towards harming yourself or your infant please contact your midwife or GP.

HawkesBayMumma Tue 08-Jan-13 05:04:42

This is the first time I have written on this website (only joined few mins ago), so if I make mistakes I apologize.
You have had a lot of advice and thoughts from others on this matter and I'm not sure what I will be offering up but here we go...
It goes without saying that you are in a impossibly hard situation and you have done more than enough berating yourself, as you said, what is done is done.
My thoughts are these...
Lets take the baby's viewpoint/interest. All the hormones running through you as you are pregnant go to the little one, so all the worry and stress you are causing yourself is having an effect on the baby. Given that there is no way to know who is the father until after the birth (and telling husband now will be agony for him and for you, plus you'll create an even more tense living environment until the birth and again... baby and hormones) perhaps it would be best for the bubs if you don't say anything until after the birth. It may be as the midwife says you look down and just 'know' that he is your husbands. You could do a subtle DNA test to confirm this and he would be none the wiser. Of course you could argue that that adds to the lies and secrets but if you were right then hubby is never hurt and this nightmare goes away. This way, baby has happy hormones, you have the love and support of your husband at a very hard time, and if the baby does turn out to be his you haven't ruined this special moment that you two have tried so hard to create all these years.
The thing to remember also is that you didn't do anything wrong. Yes you slept with someone else BUT you were separated. Whilst if it turns out to not be your husbands he will be 'upset' but he cannot be angry over the action per se as that was within your rights, you were separated. It may be that he would raise the child as his own anyway. He has stuck with you through the miscarriages and a still birth (must have been hell for you both), he has tried to separate but loves you too much to want to do that...there is a lot of love there. Yes, OK, the baby might not be his, but it is yours, it is YOU. Would you leave if it was the other way around? I'm not minimizing his position, his right to be upside down with sadness, grief no doubt for what he feels he has lost etc etc but it IS possible to get through this and have a happy ending even if the 'worst' happens.
At the end of the day, you are having a baby. A perfect little man that you have fought so so hard to achieve, he is innocent in this and he doesn't care who loves him, mummy, mummy and daddy (biological or not), all he needs is love and you are more than capable to do that, alone or together.
I hope some of this helps (also hope I didn't sound like I was preaching -just my thoughts. There is no right or wrong answer as to what you should do ONLY what is right for you. Do what your heart tells you to and then you can always have comfort in that). Keep us posted xx

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