PTSD? Definitely freaked out anyway(13 Posts)
I wasn't really sure where to post this, but thought this seemed a good place to have a go to get some feelings out, DH knows my feelings on the matter but I haven't really talked it over with myself yet.
My gorgeous DD was born 13 months ago. I had a planned home water birth, with scented candles and no pain relief etc. (well, tried Gas and air which was no help and made me feel sick) all exactly as planned.
I went a bit crazy in labour and tried to escape into the bathroom (as if I could lock myself in there, I wouldn't have to give birth - see?!), It was a long long 3 day labour with an hour and a half of pushing (the cord was wrapped round DD's neck and kept on pulling her back in). DD was an OP back to back baby and i didn't feel any contractions whilst pushing, although for the previous days I had had very strong painful contractions, with most of the pain in my back (I still don't know what a tummy contraction feels like!). The placenta, thankfully, was delivered 8 minutes later. The midwives were wonderful and supportive, and so was my darling husband. DD was born fit and healthy and alert. We all got to snuggle up in our bed afterwards.
So all in all, not that unique a labour, and certainly doesn't sound like I had a traumatic birth - but it was. It was horrendous, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
My biggest strongest emotion when she finally came out was relief that I never had to do that again.
Before DD, I had wanted a large family - 4 children like my mum had. But now I'm ok with one - because otherwise I had to do that again.
DH has mentioned a few times that he always wanted two... recently one of our friends who has a dd the same age announced she is pregnant again - I can not understand how anyone could go through that again, knowing what happens. How? It made DH ask if we could have another one, I kid you not I had a panic attack, for the rest of the day I was sick and in shock and took a long time to calm down. DH was really sorry for mentioning it at all.
I do love being a mum, and If a baby was dropped on my doorstop I would be thrilled and mother it all up and love it and delight in all the parenting goodness, but not if it means i have to give birth again.
So I've started to realize that this is not a normal way to be feeling, especially as many people do have more than one child. I'm not sure if I should be trying to do anything about it, especially as it's clear to me I'm blocking something that me and DH would both like.
Thank you, very very much, for reading - Hope it makes some sense. It's really good to get it out.
It does sound as though the birth has left you a little traumatised and shell shocked. It definitely is possible to get PTSD after labour, even if it went mostly to plan. I went overdue and got induced and my lovely water birth I wanted ended up in an emergency c section! I was so upset for months, I felt robbed of my natural birth. It did get me down and in the end I made an appointment with my midwife and talked it all out. I did help a lot. Maybe have a chat with your gp about it, they will know who to refer you to. It would be such a shame to miss out on another baby x x x
Good luck x x
Thank you for replying,
I would feel a bit silly as it was so long ago going to gp - but I think it might make DH happier if I at least try some sort of counselling, or talk it over with someone.
If we get financially secure maybe we could adopt...
I'm sorry you felt robbed of your birth- i'm lucky in that all my choices were carried out so I have no 'what ifs' about the birth, as i'm scared of hospitals (probably due to too many visits as a child) so know it would have been worse if I had gone there.
Your hospital should have a birth after thoughts service, and I'm sure here that they offer it for home births too. It's there for exactly this-to talk through and try and make sense of what happened so I'd also say it would be a good idea for you. And if you really do want another baby but really can't cope with another labour, there should be the possibility to elect for a c section. There are ways and means! x
If you could stomach going into hospital you could have an early epidural or a C-section. I had induced labour and a section and really, once you have experienced childbirth, post surgical pain is nothing really. I dont think youre being silly, nothing can prepare you for the pain. I couldnt speak and just sat cryiing and vomiting everywhere. You wont be the first or the last person to have this problem or to take a while to go to your GP, so do it Or ring your midwife if you got on well with her (they are more use than doctors I find) she will not mind at all. Good luck xx
I have heard many people say the second birth wasnt as bad, although have yet to experience this personally
Nigglenaggle - funnily enough the midwife said 'the second ones easier!' 5 minutes after I had given birth.
I didn't find it too funny at the time!
PTSD after birth is called Birth Trauma. It can be anything from something that you can have a chat to a friend and feel better over to something that takes years to get over. Anything that leaves you scared for yours or someone you love's life has the potential to cause PTSD so it sounds like you had reason to worry.
You can get over it though, it doesn't have to haunt you forever. Speak to your GP for a referral or ring the hospital you were under and ask to meet with a Supervisor of Midwives. Going through it all with someone will help, slowing events down in your mind and understanding what happened and why can help you to accept them better.
PTSD can follow childbirth, but it is a specific condition not a catch all for any/all problems which may arise. It is characterised by enduring (diagnostic criteria 1 month) of frequent overwhelming flashbacks. From what you have posted, it doesn't sound like a likely diagnosis. I think you should see your GP to discuss the panic attack and see what they recommend.
BT can happen at a later date though, it doesn't have to come up straight after the birth.
Hope you're ok OP, just read this post. I didn't realise how freaked out DS's birth had made me until I was in the middle of my booking-in appt with the midwife at 10 weeks with DD. I suddenly started feeling panicky and after that felt breathless and anxious every time I thought about giving birth - obviously too late to avoid it by then! DS's birth had been fairly traumatic but I'd pretty much blocked it all out until that moment. A couple of things helped - hypnobirthing sessions were amazing, they gave me a sense of mental control over my body and feelings of panic. Also having more physical control over myself during labour and the birth were helpful - instead of being stuck on my back I had an active labour then went in the birthing pool to have DD. I'm not sure I've avoided the PND this time but it's been less severe, and I feel proud of what I went through this time rather than making myself forget it.
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