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Did I suffer from PND

(2 Posts)
twinklingfairy Thu 06-Oct-11 22:44:50

Sorry, bit of an essayblush
DS was born early after a lot of worries throughout the pregnancy including an air ambulance 200 miles away incase he came early after a large bleed out.
He didn't grow very well and at 36 weeks was only 4llb4oz.
He had to spend about 10 days, I forget how long exactly (DH has just said it was just 8 days) in special care.
During that time, I was glad he was born, the worry about him being ok was lessened now that we had him here, but I felt lucky in a way that he was in SCBU because most of his care was done by others. And, though they said I could come up whenever I liked, it seemed a bit silly to sit by his crib as he slept when I could sit in the ward awaiting a call to come feed him.

When he got home, he was no longer in his 4 hourly routine that they had him in and instead adopted a 2 hourly one. It consisted of sleeping 2 hours and then screaming solidly for two hours.

I spoke to my HV saying that something was up, he seemed to be struggling with something, but she just smiled and said that I had had it so easy with my DD (who was a beautifully placid baby) that a crying one was just a shock to me.
A week or so later I said again he is struggling with something, met with the same response.
The doc said it was colic, though I disagreed (DD had suffered with it, but this was different) but nothing I said made any difference.

DS was 6 weeks before we took him 100 miles away to a specialist appointment because they thought he had hyperspadious.
As soon as the consultant took off his nappy she popped his herniashock back in and immediately called the nearest childrens hospital (another 110+ miles away) and suggested we continue driving in order that they could operate as soon as pos.
We knew nothing about it! I asked the HV to check him over twice I think I even went to the doc twice!!

ANyway, sorry, that was my DS start in life and I really struggled with it all. Didn't feel bonded and seriously could have thrown him in the dead of night when I was just sooooo exhausted and upset with frustration ( I get a huge lump in my throat even thinking about it)
I had such plans to use slings with him but couldn't stand to have him near me. I had to pop him into his chair and walk away when I needed to.

He didn't smile until beyond 12 weeks and I felt so low it was really hard to be around him. Whenever I went to my parents I was only too happy to hand him over and walk away.
I figured I was doing the best I could with a poor wee boy who had had a bad start. My dad told me he was impressed with how I was coping, but I just felt like I was barely managing, the only bright spot on my day was my DD.

I feel that he was a 'mizzy' baby until 9 months and 11 months until he became a happy baby.

3 years later and I love my wee man to bits, but I have only just been able to like myself enough to have sex with my DH.

Looking back I have hated myself so much during the last 3 years that I had zero sexual desire and very nearly drove my DH away.
Not to mention the bother I created with my family. Convinced myself that my mum hated my DS and wouldn't hold him, as a baby, because all he did was scream, partly true but I felt at the time that she should have helped me anyway.
Basically I felt totally alone and wouldn't admit to anyone how low I felt.
At one point I felt so at odds with DS that I thought it would be better if I left because all he did was cry around me, but if I left him with others he was fine.
My sis said that she would babysit to let DH and I out together but made such a fuss over what night, what time, that I accused her of not wanting to help at all.

Have I been suffering PND and only just come out of the fug, or has it just been a crappy 3 years?

I am mostly confused because I started to feel better towards DS once he got into toddlerdom, but yet finally getting it together with DH has made me realise that I was still not really ok with me.

NotAnotherNewNappy Mon 10-Oct-11 10:58:03

Hello, of course I can't tell you the answer but I couldn't bear to see your post go unanswered. It sounds to me like you and your DS have suffered some very traumatic events and I really don't know how any normal person could get through them without becoming depressed.

I have suffered depression in the past and think I am just tipping into PND at the moment. I completely understand the bits in your post where you talk about wanting to throw him in the middle of the night and not wanting him near you sad DD2 hardly sleeps and suffers reflux and, I hate to admit it but, sometimes when I hear her stir my first emotion is anger rather than concern blush

I also understand when you say you have only just managed to like yourself enough to have sex with your DH. How can you like yourself when you feel like you are failing at the most important job in the world? When you feel like you are getting it so wrong your children are going to grow up to hate you <that might be just me!>? Or when ever waking moment is consumed with worry about your DC that you simply can't relax enough to get horny?

From the tone of your post, it sounds like you might benefit from councelling? Even if the fog is lifting and you don't need ADs, you clearly have a lot to get off your chest. Good luck and well done for getting through this x

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