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2 lovey girls, why do I feel suicidal and hateful?

(21 Posts)
shirley123 Tue 06-Sep-11 19:05:34

I am at the end of my rope, and without any particular reason, I feel like I'm going mad, I have 2 little girls, a 3 year old and a 7 month old, I spend most of my time at home as I have been battling ME since I got pregnant with my second child (second time round as I had it when I was at university). I really don't know what to do, got so angry and hating my 3 year old today that I got in the car (on my own, left husband at home with babies), and started to drive and contemplating whcih tree to drive into to end the feelings I've been having (well, actually initially I was longingly looking to see which car I'd go head on to but thought it wasn't fair on other person's cars). Hubbie is generally good, with usual annoyances, kids are not awful, typical 3 year old stuff rearing up and she makes me pull my hair out a lot of the time. I feel like a total failure that I'm not coping, I used to be a really positive, outgoing and active career girl and not can't seem to get myself out of the house, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to do anything and the things i intellectually know would help I can't do because of baby.

Is this depression, PND, hormones or what? and why does it get worse and then I'm sort of ok for a few days then it gets bad again? Any ideas?

desperate and don't know what to do.....

MrsLadywoman Tue 06-Sep-11 19:50:57

Go and see your GP/health visitor. You need to talk to someone who is professionally qualified to help you. Don't be scared, there are lots and lots of people who feel just like you and who got professional help. They are not going to force you to do anything you don't want, but they do know lots of options. You will not have your kids taken away from you or be locked up or be put on some kind of employment blacklist (I have known people who worried about all these possibilities before going). It's a confidential consultation and the very fact that you are asking for help on this site indicates that you are aware that you need some help.

pepperrabbit Tue 06-Sep-11 19:51:02

Shirley, have no personal experience here to draw on but couldn't leave you unanswered.
Have you spoken to anyone about this? It sound like depression - not sure if PND is different to other depression, but the bleakness sounds about right.
You need to go to your doctor and I think you need to talk to someone about it - can you let DH know how you're feeling?
Is there someone who can come and help you? 2 small DCs is hard enough without being poorly yourself already. It's easy to feel very very alone even when you appear to be surrounded by family, or have a "lovely" life, when actually everything seems overwhelming and a bit pants.
HTH (sorry so many questions)

shirley123 Tue 06-Sep-11 21:34:32

spoke to Samaritans which got me over this evening but still feel low, am worried that if i go to see HV or GP they will give me pills and then I'll feel worse mentally than I do already. i do feel very lonely even though have lovely husband and everything would seem to be fine, we had lots of family issues while I was pregnant as well as my being sick (dad had to have a Kidney transplant) and i have been the emotional "go-to girl" and I feel like I have nothing left to give.

guiltyparent Tue 06-Sep-11 21:48:02

Hi Shirley123, I don't have any personal experience of your situation but I do know how hard it is coping with 2 young children. Can I suggest that as well as following the advice of others to contact health professionals you contact an organisation called HOMESTART. They support anyone with children under 5 years old. I don't know where you live but they do have offices all over the country. You can self refer and a volunteer would visit you for a couple of hours a week. All volunteers have to be parents and they can help in any way that suits you. Just someone to talk to or help with your kids for a short while. I hope you get some help. Good luck.

MrsLadywoman Wed 07-Sep-11 00:02:53

A good GP will not just dismiss you and simply prescribe you pills. It sounds like you are used to being 'the person who copes' and it's not easy to suddenly find you are 'the person who isn't coping', but it's very common for that to happen in your situation and most of the time it can be rectified quickly by admitting the problem and seeking help. There is nothing sinister about going to your GP or HV and explaining how you feel, you will not be consigned to a lifetime of group therapy or happy pills, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed about needing support. Be honest with your GP/HV, tell them you really don't want to be on anti-depressants. They are there to help and they have many resources at their disposal other than pills.

shirley123 Wed 07-Sep-11 08:09:00

thank you so much for all your advice, I didn't even know there was such a thing as HOMESTART and would have thought it was only for families who are struggling financially which we aren't, I'll certainly give it a go as I think the help my mum gives is more detrimental at this point as while she is physically helping I am listening to her problems which is more than I can do right now.

I'll also give my GP another go, you are right, I am usually and have always been the person who people in my family and friends turn to and who is always seen to be "coping" and doing fine.

This has been my first ever post and I was really nervous that people would be horrible to me so thank you for your kind and honest comments everyone

shirley123 Wed 07-Sep-11 08:37:46

just called my gp, got an appointment for next week...they had an emergency one with a locum but she was terrible last time I saw her so really didn't fancy seeing her again, also emailed homestart...fingers crossed.... maybe all i need is some company a few hours per week, that would be lovely, as eachtime I've tried to organise a meet up, I've had a bad ME day and ended up not making it

pepperrabbit Wed 07-Sep-11 16:43:21

How is your day going shirley? smile

shirley123 Wed 07-Sep-11 19:24:07

so far so good, hubbie was home today so he was a buffer, feeling still quite low all day but not uncontrollably low like the day before, was quite tired through the day but managed to get outside and play ball with my 3 year old in the afternoon which was lovely, thank you for asking smile

guiltyparent Wed 07-Sep-11 21:02:54

Hi Shirley, really glad that today was a little bit better. And that you contacted Homestart. I really hope that they can help you. Someone to concentrate on what you need for a couple of hours each week might help a little bit. Hope you get a supportive response from your GP.

guiltyparent Wed 07-Sep-11 21:05:23

PS Homestart is defintely not just for those struggling financially. They will support anyone with small children. Good Luck x

shirley123 Fri 09-Sep-11 13:07:46

well today is good so far, am going to try and start the day eachday with a little exercise to see if I can get some endorhines going, did some yoga this morning and feel ok, a bit tired but better than usual.

steeny Fri 09-Sep-11 19:59:04

Hi Shirley

Just to say you will feel stronger in time. I know it is easy for others to say but it is true .I had PND for a few months when my baby was born 9 months ago. It was the most awful dark time and it really did hit hard- that was with just one baby so my heart goes out to you. You can do it, i found leaving the house every day even for a short time helped. It also helped me to tell friends as nobody talks about PND yet so many of us have it. You are still the same person and with help this time will become better. I can honestly say that I am in a good place now. i hope you get the help you need . take care xxx

shirley123 Sat 10-Sep-11 20:14:10

I hope so, today was difficult, had to do a follow up assessment to keep some certification going so was up at silly o'clock to get to the venue and back, I was sooo tired and didn't get any rest as both girls home and baby has a cold sad am so tired now that I'm already off to bed sad and hope that my head clears tommorrow as it has been totally foggy since lunchtime x

ledkr Sat 10-Sep-11 20:34:51

Shirley-my dd is 7months and is also my 5th baby-much wanted and adored.My eldest is 27 and the youngest before baby is 9,i have struggled very much with the transition and change to my lifestyle and sleep.I am on mat leave,find it hard to see friends all of whom are working and have older dc's.My dh and i had a perfect marriage and now argue all the time and hardly ever have any adult time.I feel often resentfull and am tearfull and anxious.
I have been put on prozac and its really helping me,i also try to get out every day and not worry too much about the house work.
My dd has reflux and also a cleft palet,it has been quite trying to say the least.
I have found that accepting im not myself and trying to help myself has also helped and by seeing this as temporary,as first year is always hard.
Please see the Dr,and dont be afraid to take meds,i trained as a psych nurse and am not in the slightest bit bothered about taking prozac.

Good luck.

ledkr Sat 10-Sep-11 20:38:54

Just wanted to add that when i got out of the shower today i remebered the days when i was slim,preened,hair lovely,shaved legs and tidy bikini line and now im lucky to be clean and have my teeth brushed.
I have found getting as much sleep as poss has helped too,even if that means early nights.

Gilberte Sat 10-Sep-11 20:55:51

i feel for you and hope your situation improves.

I too have a 3yr old and an 8mth old. I'm lucky I have my health but I find the logistics of juggling two very difficult indeed. Plus my 3 yr old is very very jealous of the baby and is incredibly demanding. When I can give her 1:1 during nap times, our relationship is great but when I have to do something for the baby, she is incredibly difficult/tearful/demanding to be picked up and held.

I can't give adequate attention to both at the same time and I often feel like it's Sophie's Choice.

I'm showering once every couple of days, washing my hair once every two weeks, taking Complan when I don't have time for lunch.

I feel tired from broken nights with the baby but can manage fine until my 3 yr old starts pushing my buttons. The other day after the tenth demand of the morning, she spilt her breakfast over the floor. I brought her an alternative and she whinged and whinged over the spilt one and I'm ashamed to say I just threw the bowl of rejected breakfast across the room.

I frequently feel I'm being driven slowly insane. I was never a shouty person but I see red so much more easily now and am ashamed.

Getting out of the house makes us all feel better but it's difficult with two sometimes when there's always a poo to deal with, a potty that needs emptying or a nap that needs seeing too.

I hope you feel better soon.

ledkr Sat 10-Sep-11 21:04:51

shall we all run away together? HAHA
My pet hate is cleaning the floor/highchair/baby 3 times a day-- blw.

shirley123 Sun 11-Sep-11 09:25:41

Hi Gilberte, that is pretty much how I'm finding it, I was always hot tempered but it took lots ans lots to get me there, I now have so little patience and the constant drone of "mummy...." drives me insane, hubbie is being very supportiv but I feel I'm living on borrowed time ad he'll get pissed off and leave sometime, (he's never said or acted as such but if I'm at the end of my ropw he must be way past it)...yes lets run away :P

Razz1 Mon 12-Sep-11 08:54:02

Hi Shirley, I can totally relate to you. I had my second child 5 weeks ago and I also have a 3yr old. I had horrendous PND after my first, and now I find myself right back there again. It is just the worst thing. I felt suicidal last time - had such irrational thoughts and my mind was a constant mess. It's like being bombarded with the most negative thoughts ever. You wonder how you will make it through the day, only to have to face it tomorrow. Last time I took anti-depressants and I have just started them again. I have also been referred to my local mother and baby unit, who deal specifically with PND. It gives you an opportunity to talk openly with people who have heard it all before. I think it's important to not keep anything back about how you're feeling. This is very common indeed, and can be treated. People DO recover and get back to their old selves again. Hope your day has started well. xx

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